The Love Potion
by Sage of Video Games
Summary: The King of Hyrule has decided that he wants Zelda to marry Link. But both of them are dead set against it, so the king resorts to using love potions on them. Hilarity ensues, and their situation doesn't become any less complicated when Vaati appears.
1. Chapter 1

**Rauru: Greetings. I am Rauru, Sage of Light and I will guide you through this epic quest of…hey! What are you doing?! Insolent girl! I'm gonna…**

**GONG!**

**Sage of Video Games: Ok, sorry about that. (ahem) Hey! I'm Sage of Video Games! But since I'm too lazy too type that over and over, just call me Sage. Anyway, I'm going to be your narrator today instead of that old geezer Rauru.**

**Rauru: (mumbles something about hitting old men with frying pans)**

**Sage: Shut up Rauru. Anyway, Link will be doing the disclaimer for this chapter.**

**Link: What's in it for me?**

**Sage: I'll give you this pretty purple rupee.**

**Link: Money!? Sweet! Sage doesn't own Zelda, just this story. Now can I have my rupee?**

**Sage: Yup. *hands Link the rupee***

* * *

It was another typical day at Ganon's Lair. Typical being that Ganon had kidnapped Zelda again and was standing in the highest room of the tallest tower of his castle gloating about it.

"Mwahahaha!" laughed Ganon evilly. "Now that I've captured Princess Zelda, Hyrule is as good as mine!"

"Not so fast Ganon!" a voice yelled as the door to the room slammed open with a bang, causing Ganon to jump and let out a very un-villainous squeak. Then he spun around and caught sight of the owner of the voice. "Oh, not you again." he groaned.

"Who'd you expect, Dark Link?" asked Link as he came through the door of the room with his sword in hand.

Ganon blinked stupidly. "Who's Dark Link?"

Link just stared at the evil king for a moment before shaking his head is disbelief. "…idiot." he muttered. "Anyway, release Zelda this instant or else!"

Ganon snorted. "Or else what?"

"Guess."

"Uh…you'll run me through with the Master Sword?"

"Actually, I was just going to beat you into unconsciousness and then lock you in your own dungeon, but I like your idea better."

Ganon paled when he realized what he'd done. "Aw, crap…"

"Hyaa!" yelled Link as he stabbed Ganon in the in the heart.

"Ahhh!" screamed Ganon as he fell on his hands and knees. "Curse you Link!" he yelled as he melted into a steaming puddle of goop which then dissolved into purple smoke.

Link grinned. "I just love doing that! Now to find Zelda."

Link walked through the newly opened door in the back of the room and began to search the rest of the tower. He hadn't gotten very far when he heard a creaking noise above his head. He looked up.

"What the…ahhh!" Link screamed as a cage fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of him, missing his nose by mere inches.

"It's about time you got here! Get me out!" Zelda demanded from inside the cage.

"All right, all right!" exclaimed Link "No need to yell. Geez…" He quickly broke the cage's lock with the Master Sword.

"Finally!" exclaimed Zelda as she pushed open the door and walked out of the cage. "It gets so annoying listening to Ganon!"

"You always say that." observed Link "What does he talk about that's so horrible anyway?"

Zelda got a distant look in her eyes as she remembered a few of her more recent abductions.

* * *

_Zelda glared up at Ganon from where she was trapped in_ _a pit while Ganon stood at the edge looking down at her._

"_Do you think we should have our wedding in my lair or in Death Mountain Crater?" Ganon asked._

_Zelda gave Ganon a disgusted look. "First of all, both of those places have way too much lava, and second…I'm not marrying you!"_

"_Wanna bet?"_

"_I'll never marry you!"_

"_If you don't I'll force you to watch Barney."_

_Zelda gasped. "You wouldn't!"_

_Ganon grinned evilly. "Oh, but I would."_

"_Nooo!" screamed Zelda. "Link, help me!"_

* * *

_Zelda stood on an island in the middle of a bubbling lake of lava, trying to stay as far away from the fiery substance as possible. Ganon hovered above the lava in front of her, not noticing that the tip of his cape had caught fire from dangling in the lava._

"_I'm thinking about making your boyfriend watch our wedding before I kill him. What do you think?" Ganon asked._

_Zelda gave him a weird look. "But I don't have a boyfriend."_

_Ganon blinked. "You mean Link isn't your boyfriend?"_

"_No, he is not!_ _By now you should know that Link and I are not in love, and that I'm not marrying you!" shouted the frustrated princess._

_Ganon gave her a blank look. "Huh? But I thought the hero and the princess were always supposed to be in love…"_

_Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Where did you hear that?"_

"_It's common knowledge."_

"_Well, it's not true."_

"_It isn't?"_

"_No."_

"_Huh…" Ganon shrugged. "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. You're still going to marry me."_

"_I'm not marrying you!"_

"_If you don't, I'll make you watch Teletubbies."_

"_Ahhh!" Zelda screamed. "Nooo!"_

* * *

_Zelda sat in a cage that was hanging from the ceiling of Ganon's tower while Ganon stood on a platform beside it._

"_Hmmm…" the evil king mused. "Should I force Rauru to perform the wedding ceremony…or should I just do it myself?"_

_Zelda glared at him._

"_What do you think Princess?" Ganon inquired._

"_I think that you should jump into Death Mountain Crater!" Zelda snarled. "Haven't you figured out that no matter what you do to me, I'll never marry you?! Now release me!"_

"_No. You're gonna marry me whether you like it or not."_

_Zelda sprang up and charged a magic attack. "No, __I'm gonna kill you!"_

_Zelda tried to shoot Ganon with her magic, but it evaporated on contact with the cage bars._

_Ganon smirked. "I put you in a magic resistant cage, remember?"_

"…_I hate you."_

* * *

Zelda shuddered and tried to shrug off the horrible memories. "…I'd rather not talk about it."

"Well, it couldn't have been too bad." said Link as he turned towards the door. Zelda twitched and reached towards his neck with the intention of strangling him. Just as her hands were about to close around her prey, she was interrupted by an extremely high pitched voice behind them shouting, "Link! Where are you? Hey listen! Are you there? Link!"

Zelda quickly withdrew her hands as Link turned around and groaned. "Not now Navi." He said exasperatedly.

Navi flew up to them. "There you are!" she exclaimed. "What're you doing?"

"Take a wild guess." said Link dryly.

"Um…oh! I know, I know! You're rescuing Zelda!" yelled Navi proudly.

Link rolled his eyes. "Gee, how'd ya guess?"

"Well actually, it was quite simple since you told me that Zelda got kidnapped again and that you were going to go rescue her and that Hyrule needed saving again and that…"

"Shut up!!" shouted Link and Zelda.

"Never!" yelled Navi. "This a free country thanks to you Link so that means that I can talk as much as I want without being persecuted or…mmmmph!" Navi was cut off by Link putting duct tape on her mouth.

"As the old saying goes, silence is golden but duct tape is silver." said Link smugly.

Zelda blinked. "Where did you hear that?"

"…I don't know…"

"Mmmmph mmm mm mmmph!" Navi tried to talk through the duct tape, but to no avail.

"Navi," said Link. "If you don't stop trying to talk, I'll feed you to a frog."

"Mmmph mm mmm!?"

Link grabbed Navi and fed her to a random frog that just so happened to be hopping around Ganon's Lair. Link sighed contentedly. "That's more like it."

"Link!" yelled Sage from some place where they couldn't see her. "Get her out of there! She plays a vital role in this story!"

Link pouted. "Do I have to?"

"Only if you don't want me to smite you with lightning…"

Link laughed nervously. "Uh, that won't be necessary!"

Link quickly reached inside the frog and pulled out an unconscious Navi.

"That's better." said Sage.

Zelda, who had been watching all of this go on from where she was leaning against the wall, finally spoke up. "So, how are we getting back to the castle?"

"We'll ride on Epona!" said Link.

Zelda walked over to the window and looked down at the entrance to Ganon's Lair. Epona was nowhere in sight. Zelda crossed her arms and looked over her shoulder at Link pointedly. "…well?"

"Dang it! I forgot to bring her because I warped here!" Link thought for a moment. "Hmmm…I guess we're walking."

Zelda shook her head in disbelief. "Idiot."

* * *

**Man, I must've redone this chapter four times now. But I must admit, it does look much better now then it did in its original script form.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sage: Konnichiwa! For chapter two of my story, I'm gonna have Princess Zelda do the disclaimer.**

**Zelda: Why can't you do it?**

**Sage: Because I really don't want to say it myself because it hurts so much. (sniff)**

**Zelda: Ok, fine. Sage doesn't own Zelda or any of it's characters. The only thing she owns is this story.**

**Sage: Thank you.**

* * *

"What?!" yelled Link angrily. "I had to get through all those confusing dungeons and side-quests to get here, and you have the nerve to call me an idiot?!"

Zelda folded her arms across her chest. "As a matter of fact, I do." she snapped.

Link saw red as his face became the same color. "I'm throwing you back in the cage!"

"I won't let you!"

"I'm stronger than you!"

Zelda's hands began to glow an ominous white as she unfolded her arms. "Wanna bet?" she hissed.

Link drew his sword, which glittered threateningly. "Bring it on!"

* * *

Due to graphic violence this scene will now be blacked out, since the author is trying to make sure that the rating of this story doesn't go up too high.

* * *

Five minutes later, the battle has come to a conclusion and...

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

"Dang it!" exclaimed Link. "How about best out of five?"

Wait a minute, what happened to the fight?

"I didn't want to get my dress dirty." Zelda explained to the narrator (AKA, the author).

So you guys played rock, paper, scissors instead?

"Yes."

How lame is that?!

"Extremely lame." agreed Link.

Zelda glared at Link. "Shut up Link."

Ugh, just get on with it.

"Okay, seriously Link, I'm getting sick of this place." Zelda complained. "Why don't you just call Epona or something?"

"That's it!" exclaimed Link. "I'll use my ocarina to call her!"

"…and you didn't think of that ten minutes ago?"

Link once again turned red, but this time from embarrassment. "…shut up."

Link whipped out his ocarina and played Epona's Song. About a minute later they heard a neigh through the window. Zelda peered out and saw Epona standing at the entrance to Ganon's Lair.

Link grinned. "My ocarina is so cool!"

Zelda rolled her eyes and started walking towards the door. "Let's just go already."

* * *

After about an hour of arguing and getting lost in the many rooms of Ganon's Lair, the hero and princess finally made it outside. Epona neighed happily when she saw them, since she was obviously bored stiff after an hour of waiting. (poor horsie…)

"And you said you had the whole place memorized, you liar." Zelda growled.

Link held up his hands defensively. "Hey, we're out aren't we?"

"That's only because we found the chest with the map in it! Why didn't you get the map before you came!?"

Link shrugged. "I couldn't find it. Now let's get going, Epona looks like she's ready to leave." Link walked over to Epona and stooped down while cupping his hands, waiting for Zelda to use them to boost onto Epona. "Ladies first."

Zelda ignored him and jumped up onto Epona's back without Link's help. Link shrugged and jumped up behind her, grabbing the reins as soon as he was on. He winced as Zelda elbowed him in the stomach. "Get off of me." she growled.

"Hey, don't get all mad at me." said Link. "It's the only way for me to reach the reins." Zelda glared at him. "What, do you want to steer or something?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Okay, okay." said Link as he handed Zelda the reigns.

Zelda looked back at him and smiled sweetly as she thanked him. Then she kicked Epona into a gallop.

"Aieee!!!" screamed Link as he flew of the horse and landed on the ground painfully. He quickly sat up and was just in time to see Epona galloping out of sight. He said some choice words (that would probably make the story's rating go up) and picked himself up off the ground. Then he remembered something. "Wait a minute, I can warp! That means that I can just warp in front of them and jump back on!" Putting his realization into action, the hero quickly cast Farore's Wind and warped in front of Epona and Zelda. Then he realized that it's not wise to stand in front of a horse that is galloping at full speed and jumped out of Epona's path to safety.

"OWWW!!!"

Err…that's what he was supposed to do anyway…

Link hopped up and down clutching his foot in agony. "MY FOOT!!! IT BURNS!!! CALL A MEDIC!!!"

Well, since this story needs to move on, the authoress will now use her awesome powers to heal Link's foot.

Link's foot magically heals.

"Ahhh, that feels better." sighed Link happily. "Now I can—"

GO CATCH THAT HORSE ALREADY!!!

Link almost wet his leggings. "Eep! Yes ma'am!"

Link jumped into the air and somehow ended up on Epona's back. "I didn't know I could do that!" he said in amazement. Zelda whipped her head around and saw Link behind her. Her mouth fell open. "Where the heck did you come from?!"

"The road." said Link, causing Zelda to roll her eyes. "Now, give me the reigns." he demanded.

Zelda gripped the reigns tighter. "No way."

Link sighed as he pulled a rope out of his belt pouch. "You brought this on yourself." He quickly tied Zelda's hands together and grabbed the reigns.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" Zelda demanded.

"I'm restraining you so you won't cause anymore trouble." said Link.

"This is outrageous! I'm a princess!" Zelda exclaimed indignantly.

"And I'm the hero that just saved you from the clutches of evil." Link snapped. "Now be quiet while I steer."

Zelda turned around and glared at him. "Just wait until I tell my father about this, then you'll be sorry!"

Link smirked. "Your father will be so happy to see you alive that he won't care about how I got you back." he said smugly. Zelda muttered angrily as she hunkered down for the ride.

* * *

An hour later Epona trotted into the front courtyard of Hyrule Castle, bearing a disgruntled princess and a smug hero.

"We're finally here!" exclaimed Zelda. "Now untie me! I don't need anyone else to see me like this."

The princess was still trying to recover from the humiliation she had suffered when they had ridden through Castle Town and gotten some questioning stares from the townsfolk. It didn't help that when they had asked why the princess was tied up, Link had told them that she had been 'a naughty girl who couldn't keep her hands to herself', and then ridden off before she could explain.

Link snickered as he untied Zelda's hands. "What, didn't you have fun in Castle Town?"

"How dare you even joke about that?!" Zelda exclaimed in outrage. "Now I'll have to go make a public announcement to clear _both_ of our names! Do you realize what you—"

Zelda's tirade was interrupted when a voice that she recognized as the King of Hyrule's voice exclaimed, "Zelda, you're safe! Thank heavens!"

Zelda slid off of Epona and ran up the front steps of the castle to meet her father. "Daddy! You'll never believe what Link—"

"Hold that thought Zelda, I have good news!" said the king.

"Well," said Link. "Seeing how Zelda's all settled in, I guess I'll be going now…"

"Wait Link, this includes you!" said the king as he quickly turned toward Link.

"Huh? What is it?" Link asked curiously as he jumped off Epona and made his way to where the princess and king were standing.

"It was supposed to be a surprise but I couldn't wait to tell you." said the king gleefully.

"Well?" Zelda urged.

The king beamed. "I've finally finished the arrangements for your wedding! It will be in two months."

Zelda sighed in exasperation. "I already told you, I don't want to marry Prince Marth."

"No, no, it's not Marth, he lives to far away." The king began to grin even more. "You're going to marry Link!"

"WHAT?!?"

Link and Zelda both started talking at the same time.

"But, wait, I, y-you can't do this to me! I-I'm not civilized enough! I grew up in a forest! I-I don't even eat with a fork! I'd never be able to…"

"Why didn't you ask me about this first!? I'm your daughter! I should have some say in…"

The king's face turned red. "SILENCE!!!" he bellowed, causing both Link and Zelda to shut up instantly.

"I know what's best for Hyrule!" he yelled. "And you!" The king thrust his finger into Link's chest. "You should be thanking me! You're going to be king one day!"

Link began to protest. "But I don't wanna—"

"You don't have a choice in the matter! Guards!" yelled the king, causing several soldiers to come running up.

"Take Link to the guest room he usually stays in. And put a guard outside the door!" the king ordered.

The guards saluted. "Yes, sir!"

Link began to grow nervous. "Guys, don't do this…wait…are those handcuffs!?"

The soldiers grabbed Link and quickly handcuffed him.

"Hey! Get away from me! Ow! This is foul play! I'm not allowed to hurt Hylians! Help!" Link yelled as the soldiers marched the struggling hero into the castle.

"Daddy…" Zelda began.

"Not a word from you Zelda!"

"But…"

"Silence!"

* * *

Link pounded on the door of his new prison and yelled at the guard posted outside the door, much to said guard's annoyance. "Let me out of here! What did I ever do to deserve this?! Hey! Are you listening to me?! Why did you take away my sword?! Open this door!" Link yelled in a very Navi-like manner.

"Shut up!" the guard snapped.

"I won't shut up until you open this door!"

"No."

"Why not?!"

"Because the king said not to let you out."

Link growled as he sat on the bed and began to glare around the room. Then he got an idea as his eyes landed on the window. "I've got it! I'll jump out the window!"

Link ran over to the window, opened it, and jumped out. "I'm free! Yes! I'm…eep!" Link suddenly realized that he had just jumped out of a fourth-story window.

"AHHHH!!!" he screamed as he plummeted to the ground. After all of the dust had settled, a Link shaped hole could be seen in the ground. "M-mediiic…" Link gasped out in a strangled voice from the depths of the hole.

…the author will now heal Link with her awesome powers. Again.

All of Link's broken bones healed and he got up.

"Thanks." he said gratefully. "Now to get away." He began to sneak through the castle courtyard, being very careful to avoid the guards. He had just rounded another one of the many hedges that grew in the gardens when he saw Zelda sitting on a bench reading a book.

"Ack!" Link dove into a clump of bushes. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Zelda hadn't noticed him.

"There you are Link!"

* * *

**Mwahaha! The dreaded cliffhanger! Anyway, please R&R!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 3 of The Love Potion! Today I'm going to have Navi do the disclaimer.**

**Navi: Really? Cool! Sage doesn't own The Legend of Zelda, or any of the characters in it. She also doesn't own Super Mario, Harvest Moon, Super Smash Bros, Inuyasha, Ranma ½, Fruits Basket, Tokyo Mew Me…**

**Sage: Enough!**

**Navi: But I'm not done yet! Anyway, Sage doesn't own…**

**Sage: Shut up! (attacks Navi with duct tape)**

**Navi: Mph mm mmm!**

**Sage: Anyway, please enjoy Chapter 3 of my story!**

* * *

"Eep!" Link squeaked in a most unmanly way as he quickly curled up into the fetal position. He heard a fluttering sound and began to wonder what kind of horrible weapon Zelda was about to kill him with.

"Link, it's just me, get a grip!" came the annoyingly squeaky voice of Navi.

"Navi?" Link quickly sat up and came face to face with a very ticked off fairy.

"How could you leave me in that horrible place!?" she demanded. "I could have died and…"

Link quickly grabbed Navi and covered her mouth with his finger. "Be quiet!" he hissed.

"Sorry." Navi whispered once Link removed his finger. "Why do we have to be so quiet?"

Link jabbed his thumb in Zelda's direction.

"Oh, it's Princess Zelda! Hi Zelda!" Navi yelled.

Zelda looked up from the book she was reading, which was, ironically enough, the dummies guide of how to get out of an arranged marriage.

"Shut up!" Link whispered frantically. "She'll hear you and—"

"Who's there?" Zelda demanded, unknowingly cutting Link off.

"Uh, one of the guards?" Link replied with little hope.

"A guard hiding in the bushes? That sounds suspicious to me." Zelda walked over to the clump of bushes and parted the branches. "What the…Link?" she asked, her confusion quickly turning to anger. "What the heck are you doing spying on me?!"

"I'm not spying on you!" exclaimed Link fearfully.

Zelda crossed her arms. "Like I believe that! Now get out here!"

"No way!" said Link, backing further into the bushes.

"Get out here right now, or else I'll pull you out myself!" Zelda threatened.

Link snorted. "Ha, I'd like to see you try."

"Fine, I will." said Zelda as she reached into the bushes and grabbed Link by his collar.

"Hey! Let go of my tunic!" yelled Link.

"No." Zelda snapped and started pulling Link out of the bushes.

"Let go of my tunic!" exclaimed a panicked Link. "It's ripping! Stop! It's—"

A resounding rip was heard throughout the courtyard and Link was sent sprawling backwards into the bushes tunic-less. Zelda just stared awkwardly at the ripped tunic in her hands.

"What the heck did you do that for?!" yelled Link as he quickly pulled out his Zora tunic and put it on. "That was my favorite tunic! Now I'm…" Link suddenly realized that now would be the perfect opportunity to escape. He quickly sprang out of the bushes and bolted towards the gate that led outside.

"Oh no you don't!" Zelda growled as she grabbed for the retreating Link. Unfortunately for her, Navi got in the way and ended up in Zelda's grasp instead of Link.

"Hey! Let go!" squealed Navi.

"Not until you tell me what Link was doing spying on me!"

Navi squirmed around in Zelda's grip until she was suddenly struck by an idea. "I'm going to fart!" she announced.

Zelda stared at her in confusion. "…what?" she asked uncertainly.

Suddenly the horrific noise that just about everyone dreads hearing erupted into the tranquil silence of the courtyard garden. The trees and flowers began to wither and die as Zelda fell to the ground gasping and wheezing for air.

"Ah, the Fairy Fart of Doom." said Navi smugly. "It works every time except not on Link because he's used to it."

"Th-the stench!" Zelda gasped. "I-I can't b-breathe!"

"Haha! I win!" Navi cheered as she stuck out her tongue at the fallen princess.

"Grrrr…" Zelda slowly began to stand up, her face hidden by her hair. Navi looked at the princess in astonishment. Nobody had ever recovered from her Fairy Fart of Doom this quickly before!

Suddenly a dark aura began to build up around Zelda, and her hair started to fly wildly around her face, revealing eyes that had bright red flames burning within them. "I'm…going…TO KILL YOU!!" Zelda screamed as her hands began to spark with magic electricity. Needless to say, she looked very scary.

"Ahhhh!! I'm gonna die!!" screamed a terrified Navi as she began to fly away at speeds that would put Sonic to shame.

"Come back here!" Zelda screeched in rage as she began to chase Navi.

* * *

Link ran towards the main gate of Hyrule Castle's grounds as fast as his legs could carry him, not stopping until he reached the gate, which for some odd reason was not under guard. He let out a relieved sigh as he leaned against the stone wall. "I think I'm safe now…" he muttered.

Suddenly a blue streak of light zoomed past Link's head, causing him to clutch his hat to keep it from flying away in the wind that was created by the streaks passing.

"What the heck?" he asked in confusion.

The blue streak suddenly did a U-turn and headed back towards Link, stopping right in front of his face.

"Navi?" asked Link as he stared at the panting fairy in front of him. "What's wrong?"

"Zelda…after me…flee!" Navi gasped out.

"You led her here?!" Link asked in horror.

"…oops."

"You!!" Zelda snarled as she ran up behind them, pointing a sparking finger at the trembling pair.

Link and Navi both let out very girly screams, and Link quickly fumbled through his belt pouch in search of his ocarina. As soon as his fingers closed around it, he yanked it out and played Epona's Song, causing Epona to gallop towards them from where she had been grazing in the field. As soon as she reached them, Link jumped on her and kicked her sides fiercely, causing Epona to rear and gallop away, with Navi hanging onto the end of Link's hat for dear life.

Zelda coughed from all the dust that had been kicked up from Link's hasty retreat. "Well," she said. "I still have Link's sword, so they have to come back and face me sometime."

Somehow (probably because of his long ears) Link heard this statement and charged back to where Zelda was standing.

"All right, hand it over!" Link demanded as he jumped off Epona and stalked over to Zelda.

Zelda pasted an innocent expression on her face. "Hand what over?" she asked.

"Don't play innocent with me! Give me my sword!" yelled Link as he clenched his fists, which caught Zelda's attention. "Are you threatening me?" she asked indignantly.

Link grabbed the front of Zelda's dress and pulled her towards him in a menacing manner.

"Hey! Watch where you're grabbing!" Zelda snapped as she tried to pry Link's hands off her dress.

"Give me my sword, or else I'll rip your dress like you ripped my tunic." Link threatened.

Zelda gasped. "How dare you even think of ripping a lady's dress?!" she demanded angrily.

"I dare. Now, I'm gonna count to three, and if I don't have my sword back by then, your dress will have a nice big tear in the front."

Zelda clenched her teeth. "You're gonna pay for acting like a pervert." she spat, and with that being said, kicked Link really hard between his legs. Link quickly let go of the dress and fell to the ground in pain.

"The pain! The horrible excruciating pain!" he squeaked in a high voice as he rolled around on the ground in agony.

"That's what you get for acting like a pervert." said Zelda smugly. "And by the way, I do have your sword." Zelda pulled said sword out from behind her back and waved it above Link's head tauntingly.

"Ohhh…that was way too severe…" moaned Link as he crawled over to Epona and, with much difficulty, mounted her and began to ride away.

"Come back here! I'm not finished with—" Zelda was cut off by Navi quickly snatching the Master Sword out of her hand and throwing it to Link, who caught it and continued riding.

"Hey, that's cheating and not physically possible!" Zelda yelled as she watched them disappear into the crowded market. She growled as she turned around and marched back to the castle. After storming through the halls and scaring the crap out of the entire palace staff with the ferocious battle aura that she was giving off, she finally made it to the throne room. She slammed the doors open and stomped up to the king.

"Daddy!" Zelda snarled. "Link is a pervert!"

All of the people in the throne room were stunned into silence by this announcement. The king was the first to recover. "What?" he asked uncertainly.

"He threatened to rip my dress and…" Zelda suddenly realized that all of the people in the throne room had begun to listen very intently. "Uh…could you tell everyone to leave?"

The king nodded his head and ordered for everyone to leave. As soon as the doors had shut behind the last person, he turned his attention to his fuming daughter. "And what do you want me to do about it?" he asked.

Zelda crossed her arms. "Army. Kill. Now."

The king paled. _"This isn't working out the way I planned; now she wants to kill him! How am I supposed to fix this!?"_ Then inspiration struck. _"Wait, I know! I'll give her a love potion that has Link's DNA in it. That will make her fall in love with him, and I can give him a love potion later. I didn't want to resort to this, but I have no choice."_

"Didn't you hear me!?" yelled Zelda. "I want his head on a silver platter…no a gold one…no wait, on a—"

"Zelda…"

"—diamond maybe…or maybe a ruby one, since that will hide the blood more efficiently—"

The king flinched at such a violent description. "C-calm down Zelda…"

"—or is all that too good for him? I guess a wooden platter with splinters will do—"

"ZELDA!!" the king bellowed.

"What!?"

"I know you're upset and all, but drink this red potion. It will help you feel better." The king pulled one of the two red love potions out of the hidden liquor cabinet underneath his throne and showed it to Zelda.

Zelda eyed the potion. "Well, I guess I could use some to calm my nerves. Just thinking about Link and his vulgar fairy makes me wanna break something!"

The king poured some of the potion into a glass and handed it to Zelda, who quickly drank it all down. She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the taste. "Eww, it tastes weird…"

The king began to sweat nervously. "Uh, it's a new brand."

Zelda set her glass on a nearby table. "Let's stick with the old one. Now, where's that army I asked for?!"

"You are not allowed to use my army to murder your fiancé."

"Fine! I'll go do it myself!" Zelda stormed out of the throne room and slammed the doors so hard that they crumbled to dust, causing all of the people who had been eavesdropping outside to run away in terror.

"I hope that potion takes affect soon…" said the king nervously.

* * *

**Ok, just for the record, I'm not really a fan of crude humor. My one friend thought up the Fairy Fart of Doom, and it was just so funny that I couldn't resist putting it into the story, sooo yeah. **

**Please review and tell me what you think of this chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 4 of The Love Potion! For this chapter, I'm going to have Ganondorf do the disclaimer.**

**Ganon: …wasn't I dead a minute ago?**

**Sage: I brought you back to life to do the disclaimer.**

**Ganon: What if I say I won't do this foolish disclaimer?**

**Sage: Then I'll blast you back into the sacred realm.**

**Ganon: Fine, I'll do your stupid disclaimer. Sage doesn't own Zelda, so all of you pathetic lawyers can just go and jump off a cliff. I shall rule you all!**

**Sage: …you're a freak. Anyway on with the story!**

* * *

Link rode riding through Hyrule Field at a slow pace, trying to distract himself from his rumbling stomach. After all, saving and then running away from a touchy princess can really work up an appetite. Navi, on the other hand, was busy blabbing about random stuff that nobody cares about.

"…and so I said to him, 'get a life', and he said…"

"Navi, stop talking." Link moaned. "You're making my ears bleed."

"But I'm almost to the best part!" said Navi indignantly.

"You said that about every other part of your stupid story. Now let me suffer in peace." Link's stomach rumbled again he sighed.

"Well, is it my fault that you're suffering?"

"Actually…" Link began.

"Oh, shut up." Navi grumbled.

"Why don't you?!" Link snapped. "I'm hungry and you're not helping at—" Link suddenly spotted a cucco strutting along the side of the dirt path they were currently traveling on. "Fried Cucco!" he drooled. He pulled Epona to a stop and hopped off, advancing on the unsuspecting cucco with sword raised.

"Prepare to die!" yelled Link as he brought his sword down toward the cucco's head. The cucco squawked and quickly fluttered out of the way. It then turned around and gave Link the evil eye as it began to puff itself up.

"Aw crap." Link whimpered as the cucco began crow loudly, summoning a huge flock of angry, bloodthirsty cuccos.

"Ahhh! A flock of killer cuccos! Run!" Navi screeched as she began to fly away. Link took her advice and started running, but ended up tripping on a root that was sticking up out of the ground. He spat out his newly acquired mouthful of earth and looked behind him fearfully. "Oh no. No no no no no! I am _not_ going to die by a cucco's hands! …er, I mean…beak!"

Link quickly rolled over so that he was facing the coming onslaught of cuccos and used Din's Fire to envelop all of them in a fiery inferno. Once the flames had disappeared, all that was left of the cuccos were buckets of fried cucco that had an uncanny resemblance to the family buckets from KFC. They even had the letters KFC on them, which stood for Kakariko Fried Cucco.

Link laughed gleefully as he pulled a knife and fork from behind his back and brandished them. "Now we feast!" He and Navi pounced upon the buckets of deep fat fried cucco and began stuffed themselves with gusto.

"Ahhh, that feels much better." Link sighed in contentment as he lounged on the ground, picked his teeth with a pointy chicken bone. Navi burped as she settled onto Link's head and quickly fell asleep.

"Ok, now let's go back to the Kokiri Village." said Link as he stood up, causing Navi to tumble off his head and hit the ground with a splat. She fluttered up dizzily, mumbling about how Link should never do that again if he wanted to keep all his limbs. Link ignored her as he mounted Epona and started riding towards the Kokiri Forest.

* * *

"Ah, it feels good to be home." said Link as he inhaled the fresh forest air of the Kokiri Forest…and a random fairy that happened to be flying by at the time. He began to choke and sputter as he fell off his horse, trying to dislodge the unwelcome visitor from his throat.

"Yup, it sure does feel nice." Navi agreed, completely unaware of Link's predicament.

"Link! Spit out my fairy this instant!" yelled a voice from behind them.

Navi turned and greeted the owner of the voice happily. "Hey Saria!"

Saria ignored the blue fairy as she ran over to Link, reaching him just as he finally managed to cough up the fairy.

"S-sorry," gasped Link. "I didn't m-mean to d-do that."

"It's fine now, she'll recover." said Saria as she picked up her fairy and put it in her pocket. "So, how'd the rescue go?"

"Same as always." said Link as he stood up. "Defeat Ganon, take Zelda back to the castle."

Saria nodded knowingly. "That's what I thought. It seems like Ganon's figured out that just marrying Zelda is the easiest way to become king. I'd hate to be in her place though. Yuck." Saria shuddered at the thought.

Link stared at Saria with his mouth hanging open.

"What?" asked Saria.

"I didn't know he was trying to marry her! I thought he was just holding her for ransom or something." Link stopped to think for a moment. "Hmmm…that would explain why Zelda's been so touchy lately."

"Probably." Saria agreed. Then she snapped her fingers as she remembered something. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you! While you were gone a letter from Zora's Domain came." She held out the letter to Link.

"Why do I get a bad feeling about this?" Link asked as he warily ripped the letter open and started to read. After a moment his face turned white and he began to shake uncontrollably.

"Link? Are you ok?" Saria asked concernedly.

"Can I see the letter?" asked Navi.

Link curled up into the fetal position and began to rock himself back and forth while whimpering. Navi became impatient and grabbed the letter from Link, who was unknowingly crushing it in his hand.

"Here, I'll read it out loud." Navi cleared her throat and began to read. "_My sweet darling Link, I am coming to the Kokiri Forest so we can plan our wedding. I'll be there on Friday. See you soon! Your bride to be, Ruto."_

Saria used her sage powers to pull a calendar out of the air and glanced at it. "Today is Friday."

Link snapped out of his stupor and leapt to his feet in a panic. "No! I've gotta hide! If she finds me, there's no telling what she'll—"

"Oh Liiink! Where are you precious?" came a voice from the entrance of the village.

"Ack! She's here! Saria, do something!" Link begged.

"Don't look at me! I don't know what to do!" said Saria helplessly.

Link looked around frantically. There had to be _something_ he could do to get away. He spotted a group of Kokiri children talking together and noticed for the first time that everyone in the forest is dressed like him. It gave him an idea.

"Hey, could one of you come here for a sec?" Link asked the children. "Wait, not you Mido!"

"Heh, not happy to see me Link?" Mido sneered as he walked over to Link.

Link smacked his forehead in exasperation. "Look, I don't have time for this! Just tell that zora over there that you're Link who's just had plastic surgery!"

"Only if you give me fifty rupees." said Mido as he stretched out his hand and pointed at it.

"Fine, take them!" Link quickly dumped the purple rupee (the one that the author had so kindly given him in the first chapter) into Mido's outstretched hand and ran behind a tree as Mido walked over towards Ruto, who was busy looking for Link. Mido tapped Ruto on the arm, and she looked down at him in confusion. "Who are you?" she asked.

"I am the big doofus Link." said Mido haughtily. "I just had plastic surgery to look like my idol, Mido!"

Ruto looked at the ugly fairy child in disgust. "Eww…did you have to? Oh, well. We'll just undo that before our wedding. Now give me a kiss, my darling!"

"What!?" Mido shrieked as Ruto picked him up and planted a big, wet, slobbery kiss right on his lips.

"AHHH!!!" screamed Mido. "Mouthwash!!! I need mouthwash!!!" He wriggled out of Ruto's embrace and ran into his house screaming.

"Come back, my precious fish cake!" called Ruto as she ran after him.

Link was laughing his head off when he finally came out from behind the tree. "Ahahaha! That was hilarious! They make the perfect couple!"

Saria giggled as she pictured Mido and Ruto getting married.

"Hey Link! Now that we've sicced Ruto on Mido, how about we go and explore some caves?" Navi suggested.

"That was random." said Link.

"I know." Navi began to fly around excitedly. "So how about it?"

Link shrugged. "Sure, why not? Hey Saria, wanna come?"

Saria shook her head. "No thanks, I have to trim the Forest Temple. You know how fast those vines grow. Maybe some other time."

Navi began to fly towards the entrance to the Lost Woods and Link quickly jogged after her. "Ok, then I'll see ya later!" he called over his shoulder.

* * *

"Navi, I think that we've already explored all of the caves in these woods." said Link grumpily as he sat down on a log.

"Why don't we go through the trees that border the Lost Woods?" Navi suggested. "We've never been there before."

"I've already tried that, and it doesn't work. It's like I'm hitting an invisible wall whenever I try to get through." said Link as he rested his chin on his hand.

"That's because there is!" said a voice from above them.

Suddenly Sage appeared in front of Link and Navi in a flash of light, causing Link to fall off the log backwards in surprise.

"What the…" said Navi. "I didn't know you were a person! I thought you were just a voice that could make stuff happen!" Navi thought about that for a second. "Wait, who's narrating if you aren't?"

"Uh…I'm a ventriloquist. Yeah, that's it." said Sage while glancing back and forth shiftily.

"Ah, that makes sense." said Navi.

"Anyway, since I'm the author of this fanfic, I have the power to get rid of this invisible wall!" Sage then proceeded to walk over to the trees and take out a frying pan.

"…a frying pan?" asked Link as he finally managed to untangle himself from the log and stand up. "Isn't that used for cooking or something?"

"For your information, this is my favorite weapon. I like the sound it makes when it hits stuff."

"That is so stupid." said Navi as she rolled her eyes.

"What did you say!?" shrieked Sage. "Prepare to die!" Using her frying pan, Sage smacked Navi into a tree with a resounding gong. Link just stared in shock as Navi became a blue pancake.

"That'll teach you!" smirked Sage. Then she turned towards the trees bordering the Lost Woods. "Now I'll destroy this invisible wall with my frying pan of doom!" She slammed her frying pan into the trees with another resounding gong, and the invisible wall shattered into a million pieces.

"Ok, now get on with the adventure!" Sage commanded as she disappeared in another flash of light.

Link blinked. "…she's violent."

"I heard that!"

"Sorry." Link then looked over at Navi, who was still a pancake on the tree. He walked over to her and peeled her off, which resulted in her popping back into the third dimension. She fluttered around Link's head crazily, bumping into random trees.

"Hey Navi, are you ok?" asked Link concernedly.

"Waffles!" Navi shrieked joyfully.

"Um…I'll take that as a no."

"My precious! Stupid hobbits stole it from us! We must get it back…" said Navi creepily as she flew right in front of Link and stared at him while hissing.

"Ok, she's lost it." said Link fearfully as he watched Navi start doing loop-de-loops in the air

"Dragon Slave! Ra Tilt! Light Come Forth! Pacifist Crush!" Navi yelled as she crashed into another tree.

"Navi! Snap out of it!" said Link desperately as he dodged Navi's insane flying.

"Why my piggy!?! I love-ed you, piggy! I love-ed you!" cried Navi as she fell to the ground sobbing.

"Navi!" Link grabbed Navi off the ground and slapped her, bringing her back to reality.

"Huh?" Navi asked dizzily. "What happened?"

"You were smashed into a tree by a frying pan." Link explained.

"What?!" yelped Navi.

Link waved away her yelp. "Never mind. Let's just get through those trees."

Link walked over to the trees and used his sword to cut a path through them. When the last tree had been cut down, they emerged into a normal forest with no log tunnels. (think Twilight Princess)

"Now this is more like it!" Link crowed in excitement.

"Hey look! A cave!" said Navi as she gestured at the huge cave that was looming up beside them.

"Ok, that was a little obvious, but hey! Let's explore it!" Link made his way into the cave and looked around.

"Wow, it's dark in here." said Navi as she fluttered around Link's head.

"Yeah." said Link. "Let's keep going!" They walked farther into the cave. After about five minutes, they lost sight of the entrance completely.

"It's so quiet in here." said Navi.

"Yeah." agreed Link.

"AHA! I've found you!" A voice echoed throughout the cave.

"EEK!!!" Link shrieked.

* * *

**I made some references to some of my favorite movies and TV shows when I wrote the part where Navi goes crazy. Try to guess what they are! And please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 5 of The Love Potion! I'm really sorry about taking so long to post this chapter, but I've been extremely busy and I ran face first into a writer's block. Anyway, I'm gonna have Saria do the disclaimer for this chapter.**

**Saria: I'll only do it if you use your author powers to trim the whole Forest Temple.**

**Sage: Well…I guess I can, since I'm so awesome and stuff.**

**Saria: …right. Sage doesn't own Zelda or its characters and never will.**

**Sage: …you didn't have to add the "never will" part…**

* * *

Link quickly pulled out his sword and ducked behind his shield, waiting for Navi to tell him how to defeat the new enemy that had appeared. Navi quickly flew toward the source of the voice and targeted it. "This is Princess Zelda, watch out for her powerful magic attacks! You're only hope is to beg for mercy!"

"Huh?" Link lowered his shield and squinted through the dark at the figure before him. "Hey, it is Zelda!" Link quickly put away his gear and walked over to where Zelda was standing. "I can't believe I actually thought you were something dangerous! What're you doing here anyway?"

Zelda's hand shot out and grabbed Link by his neck, lifting him into the air. "You wanna know what I'm doing here?" Zelda growled as Link struggled to get out of her grip. "I'll tell you. I've come to kick your sorry—" A sharp pain in her head cut off Zelda's death threat and she quickly released Link and fell to her knees, clutching her head in agony. Link wheezed as he sat up from his position on the ground and rubbed his neck where Zelda had been strangling him, wondering if it was going to bruise. He then looked over at Zelda and stared at her, wondering what the heck was going on.

Navi flew over to the princess. "Is she all right?" she asked anxiously.

"Hey, what about me?" Link asked indignantly as he stood up. "I was the one being choked to death!"

"Yeah, but you're used to that kind of stuff." Navi pointed out. "If anything happens to Zelda, we'll both be toast. We have to make sure she's ok so her dad won't hang us or something."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that." said Link. He looked down at the suffering princess. "Are you gonna be ok?" he asked as he kneeled in front of her.

Zelda stopped clutching her head and looked up at Link. She suddenly began to smile as she grabbed and hugged him. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" she asked.

Link's jaw dropped in shock as the love-struck princess squeezed him even harder. Navi just stared at them in disbelief.

"Why are you staring at us like that?" Zelda asked Navi. "This shouldn't be so surprising."

"Um," said Navi. "Actually it is. After all, you were trying to _kill_ Link a couple hours ago."

"I was not!" Zelda exclaimed defensively.

"Then what were you doing?" Navi asked.

"I was flirting with him." said Zelda as she began to nuzzle Link's shoulder.

"Flirting!?" exclaimed Link as he finally managed to pry Zelda off of him. "You call chasing me around and screaming about how you were going to kill me flirting?!"

"Yup." said Zelda as she grinned.

"…you have issues." said Link as he stood up. "Anyway, let's get you back to the castle so I can have some peace and quiet."

Zelda stood up and glomped onto Link, beaming happily. "Ok!"

Link pushed Zelda away from him and stared at her. "Ok, you're really starting to freak me out."

Zelda pouted. "Why are you being so mean to me?"

"I'm not!" Link defended. "You're just freaking me out."

"You don't like me anymore!" Zelda wailed as she buried her face in her hands, sobbing as if her heart was broken.

"Ah! D-don't cry!" Link pleaded as Zelda continued to sob. "Navi! Do something!"

"Hey, you made her cry, you fix it." said Navi as she watched Link try to calm the princess down.

Zelda looked up at Link with tears streaming down her face. "I'll only forgive you on one condition."

"What?" asked Link.

Zelda suddenly began to grin. "You have to kiss me."

Link's eyes bugged out and Navi's jaw dropped as Zelda continued grinning at Link. "Y-you were only pretending to cry!" Link exclaimed as he pointed a shaking finger at her.

"So?" asked Zelda as she began walking towards him. Link began to panic as he backed away and found himself pressing against a wall. "Navi! She's blocking the entrance! How do we get out?!"

Navi finally snapped her jaw shut and shrugged. "I dunno…"

Link quickly looked around and, seeing no other way, decided that his best bet was to bust out of the cave. Link let out a savage war cry as he charged at the nearest wall and smashed right into it. He slid to the floor and laid there, not moving.

Zelda gasped and raced to Link's side, pulling him off the ground and hugging him. "Are you ok!?" she exclaimed.

"C-can't breathe…" Link wheezed as Zelda squeezed him even harder.

Navi sighed as she watched Zelda hug the living daylights out of Link. She then came to the conclusion that if Link wasn't gonna get them out, she would have to. She flew over to Link's belt pouch and pulled out a bomb. She then proceeded to light it and throw it at a crack in the wall, causing an explosion that resulted in the entire cave being flooded with the light that streamed in from the gaping hole in the wall.

"Ahhh!" Link yelled as the sudden light blinded him. "My eyes! I can't see!"

"Huh?" asked Zelda as she looked up at him. The sudden appearance of light hadn't affected her since her face had been buried in Link's chest.

"Ok Link, we can get out now." said Navi as she flew through hole.

"Navi, don't leave me here! Wait!" Link yelled as he shoved Zelda off of him and squeezed through the hole after Navi.

Zelda sprang to her feet and ran after Link. "Link! Come back!" she yelled as Link disappeared from her view. Her eyes widened when she heard the sound of Link's ocarina playing Epona's Song. "Darn it!" she exclaimed. "Now I'll have to go find him again."

* * *

"So, where are we going?" Navi asked as she flew next to Link.

"I'm not sure." Link confessed as he looked around. They had galloped far out into Hyrule Field and Link was currently trying to think of a good place to hide from Zelda.

Navi eyed him. "…you're not sure?"

"Well, maybe we could hide at the Lonlon Ranch for a while." said Link as he spied the ranch coming into view.

"I guess that'll work." said Navi.

They quickly made their way into the ranch and glanced around to make sure that Zelda wasn't there. "I think we're safe for now." said Link as he got off of Epona and led her into the pasture with the other horses.

"Yoo-hoo! Link!"

"Ah!" yelled Link as he spun around and came face to face with a grinning Malon. "Oh, it's just you." Link said with relief.

"Of course it's me! Who else would be here?" Malon asked.

"Um, nobody I guess…"

"Except maybe the crazed, lovestruck women who's chasing us." Navi added as she landed on Link's shoulder.

Malon's features darkened. "What women?" she asked as she cracked her knuckles.

"Nobody!" Link exclaimed quickly, looking at Malon's fists fearfully. He'd had enough of women beating up on him for one day.

Malon face brightened instantly. "Oh, ok. Hey, do you wanna see the new animal we got?"

"Sure." said Link, glad for the change of topic. Malon began to walk towards the back of the pasture and Link fell into step beside her.

"So, what kind of animal are we talking about?" he asked as they walked towards the newly built back pen.

"A camel!" said Malon brightly as they arrived at the back pen. Said camel saw them coming and ran over to the fence, sticking its head out towards them curiously.

"…a camel?" asked Link as he eyed the humped creature. "What the heck is a camel doing here?"

"Well, some random Gerudo showed up with one and asked if we wanted a free camel. And you know how my dad is about free stuff."

"I thought the Gerudos used horses, not camels." said Navi as she flew up to the camel's face.

Malon shrugged. "She said that camels are becoming a new fad."

"Well, you really should've asked more about it before you…erk!" Navi was cut off by the camel's lips extending about a foot to grab her and pull her into his mouth.

Link's eyes bugged out. "Your camel just ate my fairy!" he exclaimed.

"Rudy! Spit her out this instant!" Malon commanded the misbehaving camel. Rudy (since that was obviously his name) just looked at her, then tilted his head back and began to make gurgling noises.

Link gasped. "He's gonna swallow her!" He quickly grabbed onto Rudy's jaws and pried them open, allowing Navi to flutter out dizzily.

"Navi! Are you ok!?" Link asked as he let the camel's jaws snap shut again.

"I…I…" Navi stuttered.

"Yes, yes?" Link prodded.

"I'm covered in camel spit! Oh sick!" Navi quickly dove into the nearest water trough and began to wash off the camel spit furiously.

Link sweat dropped. "Well, she seems to be fine."

Malon put her finger to her cheek as she stared at Rudy in confusion. "I just don't know what got into Rudy, he's usually so mild-mannered."

"Ah well, maybe you just forgot to feed him or something." said Link as he leaned his back against the fence. "I'm sure this was just a one time thing."

Malon clasped her hands together as she looked at Link with star struck eyes. "Oh Link! You're always so kind to everyone, even when they eat your fairy!"

"Heh, well, I _am_ a hero, so it's my duty to be…yow!" Link was cut off by Rudy sinking his teeth into the hero's shoulder and yanking him over the fence and into the pen. Link's screams echoed throughout the Lonlon Ranch as the scene faded to black in order to maintain the wonderful K+ rating that this story has.

* * *

Link came to in one of the Lonlon Ranch's guest beds. He felt very stiff and sore, and he was covered from head to toe with bandages and casts. He had just begun to wonder what had happened to him when he was hit with all of the horrific memories of his time spent in the camel pen. He cringed and whimpered as he remembered the camel's brutal beating. He tried to sit up, but was knocked back down by the waves of pain that washed over his body. He was about to try sitting up again when the bedroom door opened and Malon and Navi came into the room.

"Oh Link, you're awake!" said Malon as she set the medical kit she was carrying on the table. "Are you feeling ok?"

"No." said Link as he glared at the ceiling.

Navi flitted over to Link and examined his bandages. "I'm surprised that you're still alive, that camel—" Link cringed. "—beat you up pretty bad."

"Anyway," said Malon as she sat on the bed beside Link. "You'll have to stay here and rest. But don't worry; I'll take really good care of you."

"Actually, all he needs is a blue potion, and he'll be as good as new." said Navi.

Malon shot the fairy a glare for ruining her chance to spend quality time with Link. Navi ignored the glare and flew over to where Link's belt pouch was laying to retrieve the blue potion. After a moment of rummaging, she pulled out the potion and deposited it on the bedside table.

"Thanks Navi." said Link as he reached over and grabbed the potion. He quickly popped the top and downed it in one big gulp. All of his wounds quickly disappeared and he got off the bed.

"I feel one hundred percent!" he exclaimed happily.

"That's good." said Navi as she tucked the now empty potion bottle back into the pouch.

Suddenly Link's stomach growled. "Hey Malon, do you have anything to eat around here?" asked Link. "I'm starving."

"Oh yeah, you probably are." said Malon. "After all, you've been laying there for three days."

"Three days!?" Link exclaimed in shock.

Malon waved off his shock. "Yeah, but you're fine now, so why don't we go get you something from the kitchen?"

"That sounds great!" said Link enthusiastically as he grabbed his belt pouch and followed Malon out of the room.

* * *

After a hearty home-style breakfast, Link decided that he should go outside and check on Epona. He meandered his way out of the house and toward the pasture where the horses were kept, and quickly spotted Epona grazing along with the rest of the horses. Satisfied that the demon camel hadn't eaten his noble steed while he was down for the count, he decided that he'd go and get some milk from the cows.

As he made his way toward the barn, he spotted Ingo talking to someone near the Lonlon Ranch entrance. Curious, Link decided to see if it was yet another tourist from Castle Town. Lately there had been a lot of tourists coming out that wanted to experience what country life was like. He leaned against the side of the barn and waited for Ingo to finish talking so he could see who the person was. As Link continued staring at the chatting pair, Ingo shifted to the side, and Link caught a glimpse of the visitor's face. His blood froze as he recognized just who this visitor was. It was Zelda.

* * *

**I based the camel attack after something that actually happened to me. I was bitten in the back by a camel, and now I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows of his evil! Suffer evil camel of doom! Mwahahaha! Anyway, please review my story!**


	6. Author's Note

Konnichiwa! Sage of Video Games here with a message to all of her readers! I've been working on Chapter 6 of The Love Potion, and it's ready to be posted! ...the only problem is that the computer I've been using to write the story has lost the use of its internet, so I have to figure out how to move the document to a different computer so I can upload it. I wrote this message to show that I haven't abandoned this story, and I'm working on getting Chapter 6 posted for all of you. I'm sorry for making everybody who put me on their alerts list think that this was a new chapter. Thanks again for being so patient while I work on this.


	7. Chapter 6

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Chapter 6 of The Love Potion is finally up! Woot! *does a happy dance* Ahem, anyway, today I'm gonna have the King of Hyrule do the disclaimer.**

**King: Look, I really don't have time for this. I have a wedding to plan, and in all honesty, it's much more important than your silly disclaimer.**

**Sage: …more important? I'll have you know that I control all aspects of your life in this story! You **_**will**_**do the disclaimer, and if you don't, I'll have a giant flood take out all of Hyrule!**

**King: …I think that idea has already been used…**

**Sage: Just do the disclaimer.**

**King: Oh all right. Sage doesn't own Zelda or any of its characters. And for that I am grateful.**

**Sage: …you'll pay for that…**

* * *

Link's mind began to work overtime as he quickly scuttled behind a stack of hay. How had Zelda found him? Of all the places she could look for him, why here?

"I was wondering when she'd get here," said a high-pitched voice from Link's shoulder. Link quickly glanced down and saw Navi perched there. "You knew she was coming?" he asked.

"Well…no, but if you think about it, she's probably been hunting all over Hyrule for you for the past three days, and finally decided to search here when she couldn't find you anywhere else. Since you were unconscious the whole time, it probably feels more like it's only been a few hours since we last saw her."

"Oh, I didn't think about that," said Link. "But that still doesn't solve my problem."

"Has she seen you yet?" asked Navi as she flew off of Link's shoulder and landed on one of the many protruding tufts of hay in the haystack.

Link blinked. "Well no, but…"

"Then what are you worrying about?" Navi asked. "Just sneak out of here as soon as she moves away from the entrance."

Link sighed. "That's the problem. If she moves away from the entrance, she'll pass this stack of hay, and I'm completely visible from the other side."

Navi waved off his worries with her miniscule hand. "I already thought of that. All you have to do is…"

"Oh there you are Link!" exclaimed Malon as she came out of the house and spotted him hunched behind the haystack. "I was wondering if you'd like to…"

"What?!" exclaimed Zelda as she zipped over to the farm girl. "Link's here?!"

Malon looked at Zelda and her eyes narrowed. "Why do you care?"

Zelda crossed her arms and glared at Malon. "Because he's my fiancée!" she snapped.

"What!?"

"You heard me."

Malon's head whipped around and she glared at Link with murder in her eyes. "Link, is this true?!"

"Well, I uh…" Link stuttered as he desperately tried to think of possible escape routes.

"Oh Link! There you are!" Zelda gushed as she caught sight of him. She quickly ran over and latched onto his neck. Malon gasped and launched herself at the princess. "Get you're hands off my man, you hussy!"

"No way!" Zelda yelled as she hugged Link tighter, cutting off his air supply. "He's _my_ fiancée!"

Malon let out a scream of rage and seized Zelda's hair, yanking the princess off of the now blue-faced hero. Zelda snarled and twisted around to zap Malon with a magic attack, causing her to quickly let go of the princess's hair and jump back.

"That'll teach you to try to come between me and my darling!" Zelda hissed.

Malon dusted off her apron and growled. "You think that a handful of sparks is gonna keep me down? I'll show you!" Malon ran into the barn and came back out with a pitchfork and a covered basket. "Prepare to die!"

"This seems to be turning into an all out war." Navi observed. "I think now would be a good time to take cover." Link nodded and quickly retreated behind a nearby stack of barrels.

Zelda's right hand began to glow as she held it up and cracked her knuckles. "So, you wanna fight for Link?"

Malon brandished her pitchfork. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Then bring it on!" Zelda yelled as she let loose a torrent of electricity. Malon jumped into the air and reached into her basket. "Egg Bombs!" she yelled as she threw the projectiles at Zelda.

"Nayru's Love!" Zelda cried as she erected the diamond shaped barrier, letting the bombs explode harmlessly on the outside. Once the barrier had disappeared, she threw a ball of magic at Malon, who dodged to the side and reached into her basket again, pulling out a handful of horseshoes. "Horseshoe Barrage!" The horseshoes whizzed towards Zelda, and one of them managed to hit the shoulder armor on her left shoulder, knocking it off.

"How dare you mess up my outfit?!" Zelda yelled angrily. "Din's Fire!" Malon pulled out a bucket and doused the flames before they could reach her. She then yanked off the bandana around her neck and began to twirl it like it was a lasso. "Slicing Bandana Boomerang!" she yelled as she let go of the bandana, which whirled towards Zelda. Zelda ducked and the bandana flew over her head, slicing the wooden signpost behind her in half. It then circled back and returned to Malon's outstretched hand.

"You know, you're not the only one with devastating attacks." Zelda snarled. She folded her hands as if she was praying and began to glow white.

"Uh, Link?" said Navi as she peered out from behind the barrels. "I think you should come see this."

"What is it?" Link asked as he stuck his head out from his hiding place. His pupils dilated as he caught sight of the glowing princess. "Aw crap."

Suddenly the stack of barrels was blown to smithereens by a powerful blast of magic as Zelda unleashed her attack, and Link was hurled back into the barn wall from the force of the explosion.

"Ow…" he groaned as he slumped to the ground.

Zelda smirked triumphantly as she stared down at Malon, who was lying in a smoking heap on the ground. "Next time think twice before trying to beat me."

"Woowee! That was some fight!" shouted Ingo from his spot behind Zelda as he clapped enthusiastically. Malon suddenly sprang up from her comatose state and grabbed the farm hand by the front of his overalls. "And just _who_ do you think you're cheering for?" she snarled as she shook him like a rag doll. "You work for my dad and me, remember?!"

"Well, uh, you see…" Ingo stammered as Malon dragged him off for a brutal beating

"Hmph. Good riddance." said Zelda as she dusted off her hands. "Now I can finally be with my darling with no distractions." She glanced around and suddenly realized that Link was nowhere in sight. She gasped. "Oh no! Link must've been blown away from the force of my magic blast! I have to find him!" She quickly ran towards the corral, not noticing the cracking sound that came from under the pile of broken barrels as she ran over them.

"Ohhh…I think she broke a rib." Link whimpered from his prostrate position under the broken barrel parts. He coughed as he crawled out from under the debris and propped himself up against the wall.

"L-link…" said a muffled voice. Link looked around but didn't see anything. "Navi? Is that you?"

"Yes." said the voice again.

"Where are you?"

"You're sitting on me."

"Oh!" Link quickly shifted to the side and a flattened Navi crawled out from under him. "Sorry 'bout that." he said sheepishly. Navi glared at him as she dusted herself off.

"So, what do we do now?" asked Link

"I think we should drink some red potion and be on our way." said Navi. "Zelda is still here, and I'd like to keep a safe distance from that crazy lady."

Link nodded. "That sounds like a plan." He pulled a bottle of red potion out of his belt pouch and gulped it down.

"Hey! What about me!?" yelled Navi indignantly. "I need some too! My wings are all bent out of shape!"

"I can fix that." said Link as he reached down and grabbed Navi's wings.

"Hey, what are you…YEOW!" Navi screeched as Link yanked her wings back into shape.

"See?" said Link as he stood up. "All better."

"What do you mean all better?!" Navi snapped angrily as she flew in front of his face and glared at him. "I wanted to have some of that potion so my wings wouldn't be sore for the next week!"

"You'll live." said Link as he pulled out his ocarina and played Epona's Song.

"You insensitive jerk!" Navi snarled as Epona came trotting up to Link. The peeved fairy flew over to Link's ear and bit it as hard as she could. Link yelped and swatted at her, but she didn't let go.

"Let go of my ear!" Link snapped as he mounted Epona and steered her towards the ranch's exit.

"Noh ay." mumbled Navi around her mouthful of ear.

Link sighed and began to wonder what kind of earring he should put in the hole that Navi was drilling in his ear.

* * *

"…I still think you're overreacting." said Navi dryly as Link stopped Epona in front of the Kakariko Potion Shop. The duo (or trio, if you include Epona) had gone straight to Kakariko Village after leaving the Lonlon Ranch. Link had heard rumors that the old lady who ran the potion shop behind the main one was selling off some of her old jewelry, and Link decided that it would be a good place to find an earring for the newly acquired hole in his ear.

"The hole is big enough to be noticed, and I need to get an earring to put in it." said Link as he got off Epona and entered the shop.

"Why don't you just let it heal?" Navi asked as Link opened the back door and made his way to the potion shop out back. "It'll only take a day or two."

"Hey, it's my ear, and I'll do what I want." Link snapped as he opened the door to the potion shop. He coughed as the thick smoke inside entered his lungs.

The old lady behind the counter looked up from petting her cat. "Why, if it isn't the nice young man who brought me those mushrooms a while back. I haven't seen you in quite some time."

"Hey Granny." said Link as he approached the counter. "I heard that you're selling off some of your old jewelry."

"As I matter of fact I am. Hold on a moment while I go get the box."

Granny (for that is her name) shuffled off to the back room to retrieve the jewelry. Link began to wander around the shop, looking at the giant vats full of potion. He stopped in front of a vat filled with red potion, and stared at it.

"All right, here's the jewelry." said Granny as she came back into the shop. She noticed Link staring at the vat of red potion. "Ah, I'll bet you're wondering what's in there."

Link turned around and came back to the counter. "I was just wondering if you used all of the potions to make your Ultimate Potion." He began to sift through the box of jewelry on the counter, looking for an earring.

"Oh no, the only thing I use in my ultimate potion are those mushrooms you brought me and some choice herbs, these are all different potions." She pointed at the red potion that Link had been examining a moment earlier. "That one is my newest creation. I call it the Ultimate Love Potion."

"Ultimate Love Potion?" asked Link as he compared two earrings. "What's ultimate about it? Don't they all do the same thing?"

Granny snorted. "Those cheap bottles of glorified red potion only last for a little while. They're mostly used for pranks and the like. But my love potion is much better. It lasts forever."

"Forever?" asked Navi as she set down a ring she had been admiring. "Isn't that a bit extreme?"

"Well, not many people buy it, so I don't see the harm in having some in stock." Granny began to stroke her cat again. "In fact, I've only ever had one customer buy any."

Link looked up from his earring hunting. "Only one customer?"

Granny cackled. "Yes, but it was a real honor to have the King of Hyrule visit my shop."

Link and Navi's eyes widened as Link dropped the earrings in shock. "The king?!"

* * *

**Mwahaha! The plot thickens! The fight between Zelda and Malon was heavily influenced by Ranma ½, since pretty much all of the characters in the series have attacks based on random themes, (like martial arts tea ceremony, calligraphy, cooking, etc.) and Malon's attacks all had a farm theme.**

**Remember, reviews give me motivation to write more! :D**


	8. Chapter 7

**Sage: Konnichiwa everyone! Welcome to Chapter 7 of The Love Potion! Before anything else, I'd like to thank all of the people who reviewed and favorited my story, it really makes me happy to know that people appreciate my work. Anyway, Ruto will be taking care of the disclaimer for this chapter.**

**Ruto: I'll only do it if you make Link marry me.**

**Sage: I'm sorry, but that just doesn't fit into my plans for this story.**

**Ruto: As princess of the Zora, I demand that you use your author powers to make Link mine!**

**Sage: And as author of this story, I demand that you do the disclaimer!**

**Ruto: No!**

**Sage: If you don't cooperate… *pulls out a knife* I'll make sushi out of you!**

**Ruto: Eek! Okay okay! Just don't hurt me! Sage doesn't own Zelda or any of its characters!**

**Sage: *puts away knife* Much better.**

* * *

Link stared at the old woman in shock. "You mean that the king actually bought a bottle of love potion?"

"Actually he bought two."

"Did he say what he was going to use them for?" Navi asked as she recovered from her shock.

"He didn't." Granny noticed the look of horror on Link's face. "What's the matter?"

"How does the love potion work?" Link asked as he looked back at the vat that contained the love potion fearfully.

"Well, you put a little bit of a person's saliva into the bottle with the love potion, and then you have another person drink it. The other person will then fall in love with the person that had their saliva in the potion." Granny looked up at Link. "Why do you ask?"

Link's face contorted into a grimace. "Saliva? That's kinda nasty…"

Granny shrugged. "Hey, it was the only thing that worked. And it's not like the person who drinks it knows what's in it anyway. As the saying goes, 'What you don't know can't hurt you'."

"So, is there an antidote for the potion?" Link asked as he shook off his initial feelings of disgust.

"Of course there is." said Granny. "One of the top rules of potion making is that there always has to be an antidote for every potion that's made."

Navi raised a miniscule eyebrow. "There are rules for potion making?"

"There are rules for everything dearie." The old woman then looked at Link. "Why are you so interested anyway?"

"Uh, no particular reason." said Link as he fiddled with the end of his cap nervously.

Granny broke out in a toothless grin and cackled. "Hehehe, you must have some girl that you want to use the potion on, is that it?"

Link blanched and took a step backwards as he frantically waved his hands in front of him. "No! That's not it at all! I was just curious! Do I look like the type that would do that kind of thing?"

"Well actually…" Navi started but stopped when Link shot her a dirty look.

"Anyway," said Link as he moved his gaze back to the old woman in front of him. "How much does a bottle of the antidote cost?"

"One bottle costs five-thousand rupees."

"Why am I not surprised." Navi muttered as Link fell forward onto the counter in shock.

"But since you're such a nice young man, I'll cut the price down to five-hundred rupees."

Link lifted himself off the counter and looked at the old woman hopefully. "Really?"

Granny cackled again. "Well, my business has been booming ever since you brought me those mushrooms for my Ultimate Potion, so this is the least I can do."

"I'll take it!" Link exclaimed as he reached into his belt pouch and slapped ten purple rupees onto the counter.

"A pleasure doing business with you." said Granny as she reached under the counter and produced a tiny vial. Link took it from her hand and looked at it. It was no bigger than a thimble, and he found that if he squinted, he could see that the color of the potion was blue. "This is it?" he asked skeptically.

Granny nodded. "That's it. Now, in order for this potion to be effective, you must give it to the afflicted person mouth-to-mouth."

Link almost dropped the tiny vial. "M-mouth-to-mouth?" he stuttered. "But why?!"

"Because it won't work any other way." said Granny as she scooped up her newly acquired rupees and put them in a bag.

"Oh nooo…" Link moaned as he sank to his knees and buried his face in his hands. Navi landed on his shoulder and gave him a sympathetic pat on the neck. "There there, I'm sure she won't beat you up too badly afterwards."

"You're not helping." Link mumbled. Navi just shrugged. "Well, we should probably go now." she said. "The sooner we give Zelda the antidote, the better."

Link nodded. "Yeah, I guess your right." He got up from the floor and slouched his way over to the door.

"Come again!" called Granny cheerfully as Link opened the door. "And good luck with whatever you're planning."

Link gave the old woman a weak smile. "Thanks." He then walked through the door and closed it behind him.

* * *

Zelda sighed sadly as she propped her chin on her hand and stared out her bedroom window at the gardens below. She had been thinking about Link again, and was feeling depressed. As if it wasn't bad enough that she got kidnapped by Ganon every month or so, now Link was avoiding her. She might be love sick, but she wasn't stupid; it was apparent that he didn't want her around. Maybe it was because she was coming on too strong? It was just so weird. Whenever she was around him, she would totally lose control and start smothering him with affection. She could see how that might be kinda annoying, but it still hurt that he kept running away like she was some kind of monster out to get him.

A knock on her door interrupted the princess's train of thought. "Zelda?" came the king's voice. "The guards said that you were back. Can I come in?"

"Sure." said Zelda as she continued to stare out the window.

The king opened the door and walked in. He saw Zelda sitting in a chair, looking out the window gloomily. "Is something wrong?" he asked as he made his way over to where she was sitting.

Zelda shifted her gaze from the window to her father. "Link's been avoiding me. No matter how much I try to get him to want to be around me, he always runs away. I just don't know what to do. Do you think that—"

The king smirked inwardly as Zelda continued to talk. His plan was working! Zelda was obviously in love with Link, so phase one of his get-Zelda-married-to-Link-so-I-can-retire-already plan was complete. Now all he had to do was get Link to fall in love with Zelda, and then everything would fall into place.

"—maybe if I…Daddy? Are you even listening to me?"

The king snapped his attention back to his daughter. "Zelda, I have the perfect solution to your problem!"

Zelda raised an eyebrow skeptically. "You do?"

The king reached into one of the pockets in his robe and brought out a bottle of red potion. "Do you know what this is?" he asked.

Zelda looked puzzled. "It's a bottle of red potion. How is that supposed to help?"

"Zelda, this is a love potion. If you have Link drink some of this, he'll fall in love with you."

Zelda stared at the king for a moment. Then she let out a joyful squeal as she jumped out of her chair and snatched the bottle from his hand. "This is it! The solution to all of my problems! Link will never know what hit him!" The ecstatic princess began to spin around in circles while hugging the bottle and giggling.

The king sweatdropped. "Um…I'm glad you like it."

"I love it! Just like Link is about to love me! Thank you Daddy!" With that being said, Zelda raced out of the room to find Link and make him drink the love potion. The king just stared after her. "That was one serious mood swing." He sighed and shook his head. "I'll never understand that girl."

* * *

Link made his way through Kakariko Village with his head hung low. The way he saw it, this was his last day on earth, since Zelda was probably going to kill him the instant she was cured.

"You know, I don't really think it's necessary to go looking for Zelda." said Navi as she flew next to Link. "She'll probably find us faster than you could ever find her."

"Yeah, I'll just let her come to me." said Link glumly as he sat on a nearby bench and slumped down. "Much less work involved."

"Link, you seriously need to snap out of this depression fit." Navi chided. "Zelda could be here any minute, and we don't want her to be suspi—"

"Link!" called a voice from behind them. "Is that you?"

Link winced and turned his head to look behind him. He saw Zelda making her way toward him with a huge grin on her face and groaned. His executioner had arrived.

"Link, sit up straight and smile!" Navi hissed. "She'll be suspicious."

"But won't randomly smiling make her even more suspicious?" Link asked.

"Look, just play along with her lovey-dovey act. It'll make it easier to administer the cure."

"Oh fine." Link grumbled as he sat up straight and pasted a fake smile on his face. "Zelda!" He exclaimed. "There you are! I was just wondering where you were!"

Zelda came around to the front of the bench and clasped her hands together. "Were you really?" she asked excitedly.

"Uh, yes! Yes I was." said Link as he tried to keep the smile on his face.

"Aw, I didn't know you cared so much." Zelda giggled as she sat next to him. "Oh! I just remembered! I have a present for you." She reached into the satchel she had brought with her and removed the love potion. "I was so sure that I had accidentally blown you up along with that insufferable farm girl at the Lonlon Ranch, so I got you this red potion to heal your wounds."

The corner of Link's mouth began to twitch. "Oh, how…thoughtful." he said. "But I've already had some red potion, so I'm fine now."

Zelda's eyes began to tear up. "You mean…you won't accept my gift?" she asked sadly.

Navi quickly flew next to Link's ear. "Link!" she hissed. "Just take it. It looks like she's about to start crying, and that'll ruin any chances of giving her the cure!"

Link sighed and nodded. He then refocused his attention on the tearful princess. "No, I was just reassuring you that I was fine." He reached forward and took the potion from Zelda's hands. "I'll take the potion."

"Really?" Zelda clapped her hands happily. "Now make sure to drink it all up!"

"Wait, didn't I just tell you I was fine?" Link asked confusedly.

"I won't be able to rest easy until I know that you've drunk every last drop of that potion." said Zelda as she sat back and waited for his response.

Link mentally rolled his eyes. "All right, if it'll make you feel better." He uncorked the bottle and chugged the potion. After the last drop had been swallowed, he began to gag at the taste. "Z-zelda," he wheezed. "How old is this potion?"

"Uh…I'm not sure." said Zelda as she took the bottle and tucked it back into her pouch. There was an awkward silence.

Link coughed into his hand. "Well, now I'd like to…um…give you something in return." he said.

Zelda looked at him in surprise. "Really? What is it?"

Link shifted uncomfortably. "Um…a kiss."

Zelda gasped. "A kiss?! Really?!"

Link gulped and nodded. "But I'd like it if you'd close your eyes."

Zelda smiled. "Okay." She closed her eyes and leaned towards Link.

Link felt as though his stomach had just been turned inside-out. He swallowed hard. This was it. He pulled the thimble-sized vial out of his belt pouch and looked at it. For the first time, he realized just why it was so small. He raised it and emptied it into his mouth. Then he leaned forward and gave the potion to Zelda mouth-to-mouth. Zelda's eyes snapped open as she pulled back and began to gag and choke on the potion. "W-what –cough– did you –hack– do?!" she spluttered.

Link sat back in his seat heavily. His had accomplished his mission.

"Oh gosh," Zelda gasped. All of the memories from her time under the influence of the love potion had just come back to her. "What the heck have I been doing?!" She then looked over at Link and her eyes narrowed. "And you!" She pointed her finger at Link's face. "You should be ashamed of yourself, kissing an innocent maiden while she's clearly under some kind of love spell!"

"Actually, he wasn't—" Navi began.

"You stay out of this!" Zelda snarled as the terrified fairy shrank back against a tree. The livid princess then turned her angry gaze back on Link. "How dare you take advantage of the situation?!"

"Well I—" Link started but Zelda cut him off.

"And another thing, you're the worst kisser I've ever met! You tasted like turkey and sulfur! Bleh!" Zelda quickly grabbed a bottle of water from her satchel and rinsed her mouth with it.

"Um…Zelda?" Link inquired timidly.

Zelda whipped her head towards him. "What?!" she snapped.

Link suddenly grabbed the startled princess's hands in his and leaned towards her. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are when you're angry?"

* * *

**Oh man, even writing semi-serious kissing scene stuff makes me feel really awkward. But hey, I did it, and that's what counts.**

**Also, I just redid the first chapter of The Love Potion, so if you're interested in seeing it written a bit better, go ahead and read it.**

**Please make sure to leave reviews; they're my reason for writing. :D**


	9. Chapter 8

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 8 of The Love Potion! From this point on, I'm going to make sure to thank every last person who reviews my story. So, here's my thanks to all of my amazing reviewers! **

**Thank you,**

**Princess Mara of the Universe**

**Toby**

**Skiddle**

**KityPryde**

**Pop Dragon**

**zeldafan15**

**Sander Cohen**

**Lupi Loop**

**Link Fangirl01**

**Angelgirl963**

**Zelda**

**ZelinkInuKag**

**xxunder-the-flamesxx**

**ZeLink Forever**

**Twilight Commando**

**KombatNoob**

**Eternal Nocturne**

**zeldafan10101**

**James Birdsong**

**The-Saiyan-From-Hyrule**

**Tanoshiix3**

**MrChoco**

**KayAGoldsiv87**

**rndom_fan**

**Sage: And now that I've finished my thanks, Malon will do the disclaimer.**

**Malon: Only if…**

**Sage: No, you can't have Link. Just do the disclaimer.**

**Malon: *sulks* Fine. Sage doesn't own Zelda or any of its characters.**

**Sage: Now, let the story continue!**

* * *

Zelda just stared at Link as he continued to gaze at her adoringly. Had he just said that she was beautiful? Where did _that_ come from? The last time she had checked, he was trying to get as far away from her as physically possible. What could have...

The princess's eyes widened as she suddenly realized what was going on. The love potion she had given Link was taking effect! She snatched her hands away from Link as if she had been burned. "Link, get a hold of yourself!" she exclaimed. "That's just the love potion talking!"

Link cocked his head to the side with a confused expression on his face. "The love potion?"

Zelda nodded. "Yes. That red potion I gave you was a love potion."

There was a moment of silence as Link stared at her with a blank expression on his face. Zelda began to fidget, wondering how he was going to react.

Link began to smile as he grabbed her hands again, startling her. "Zelda, if that was what it took to make me realize my feelings for you, then I'm glad you gave me that love potion."

Zelda gawked at the love-struck hero. She hadn't expected him to be happy! Surprised, outraged, horrified, anything like that would've been a natural reaction to the news that someone had just messed with your brain. But happy? Man, that love potion was potent stuff! She really hoped he wouldn't start acting like she had, that would be very bad. And what would—

Zelda's thoughts cut off abruptly as Link lifted her hands and began to nuzzle them. "And just what do you think you're doing?!" she demanded as she yanked her hands free for the second time.

"I'm just trying to show my love for you." said Link as he reached for her hands again. Zelda slapped his hands away and scooted further down the bench from him.

"Well, at least he isn't going after you as aggressively as you went after him." said Navi.

The princess turned to look at the fairy. "And where have you been this whole time?" she asked irritably.

"I've been hiding behind a tree ever since you yelled at me."

"Oh. Well, you should have—eep!" Zelda let out a squeak as Link wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her onto his lap.

"What are you doing?!" Zelda yelled as she tried to pry his arms from around her waist.

"Is it so wrong that I want to be with you Zelda?" Link asked. "After all, we are engaged."

"We are not!"

"We're not?"

"No!"

"…oh." Link fell silent as Zelda continued struggling to dislodge his arms. "Well," he finally said. "If that's the case, we'll just have to elope!"

Zelda's struggling halted abruptly. "Wh-what?" she stammered.

"Just think of it Zelda! We'll run away together and get married in a small church with only the priest to witness it. Then we'll settle down in a cozy little cottage in the woods and I'll become a woodcutter or something like that. And every night we'll—"

"NO!" Zelda shrieked as she renewed her efforts to escape from Link's lap. "Let go of me you creep!"

Navi settled down on a tree branch a safe distance from the princess and hero, and just watched as said hero continued rambling on and on about his plans for eloping while said princess frantically tried to get away from him. "Heheheh." Navi snickered. "This is getting interesting."

Link suddenly stood up, causing Zelda to let out a surprised squeak as she fell to the ground. "All right, it's settled! We're eloping right now!"

"Wait a minute!" Zelda exclaimed as she scrambled to her feet. "I don't—"

Link put a finger over her lips, silencing her as he gazed at her soulfully. "Zelda, I know this is a big step, but there's no need to be afraid. I'll be with you the entire way."

"That's a reason in of itself to be afraid!" Zelda exclaimed as she swatted his hand away and turned around. "I'm leaving!" she announced, and began marching toward Kakariko Village's front gate.

Link's hand shot out and caught the princess's arm, effectively bringing her to a halt. "And just where do you think you're going?" he asked.

"Back to the castle." said Zelda. "Now let go!" She tried to jerk her arm away, but found that the hero's grip was like steel.

"No. Zelda, we were meant to be together, and even if you can't see it now, you will eventually."

Zelda gulped. To her, that sounded like a threat. "Um, I don't like where this is going…"

"Well, I think it's kinda funny." said Navi from the safety of her tree branch.

Zelda shot the fairy a glare. "No one asked you." She then turned her attention back to the current position of Link's hand. "If you don't remove your hand from my arm this second, I'll rip it off _your_ arm and shove it up your—"

"Zelda, we're eloping and that's final." said Link firmly.

Zelda twitched. She had heard that kind of line way too many times for her liking. "You're starting to sound like Ganon." she informed the amorous hero.

Link was taken aback by that statement. "How the heck do I sound like Ganon?" he demanded.

"Well, every time I get captured by him, he always tries to force me to marry him, and—"

"That fiend!" Link shouted as he released Zelda's arm and unsheathed his sword. "How dare he try to make a move on my girl! In the name of justice, I will kill him!" He made a very heroic pose as colorful fireworks and jets of smoke went off behind him. Zelda sweatdropped at Link's overkill display.

"Um…I think you already did that." she reminded him.

"Oh yeah." Link sheathed his sword as the smoke dissipated. "Now, what were you saying?"

The princess rolled her eyes. "As I was saying, you sound like Ganon because you're trying to force me to marry you." she explained.

Link looked thoughtful. "…well, I guess eloping _is_ kinda sudden." After a moment of thought, his face lit up and he pounded the bottom of his fist into his palm. "I've got it! I'll just win you over, and then you'll be more than willing to marry me!"

Zelda crossed her arms and huffed. "Look, I have absolutely no interest in dating you, so you can just forget about it." She then turned around and resumed her journey to the castle.

"Aw, c'mon, don't be like that." Link called after her retreating form. Zelda's only reply was to flip her hair haughtily.

"Link! Are you just gonna take that?" Navi demanded as she flew down from the tree and landed on the hero's shoulder.

"What else can I do?" Link asked sadly. "She doesn't want to date me." He sighed as he sat down on the bench and began to sulk.

"Link, just think about this for a minute. Doesn't she owe you something for all of the times you saved her?"

"But it wouldn't be right to demand that she marry me just because I saved her."

Navi sighed in exasperation. "You're too noble for your own good, you know that?"

Link shrugged. "Well, it kinda comes with the job description."

"Ok, then think about this. Zelda has been professing her love for you nonstop for the past couple of days, and then when you finally decide to return her affections, she dumps you. Now, is that justice?"

Link's eyes widened as he shot to his feet. "You're right!" he exclaimed. "She was the one who said she loved me first, and then she has the nerve to just walk away when I finally realize my feelings for her?!" Link clenched his hand in front of him, conveniently forgetting that the princess had been under the influence of a love potion when she had said that she loved him. "She's gonna date and then marry me if it's the last thing she does!" he declared as his entire body was engulfed in bright red flames.

Navi sweatdropped. Was being overly dramatic one of the side effects of the love potion? Oh well. She had gotten the desired result, and now Zelda was going to get what was coming to her. Navi cackled as she rubbed her tiny hands together gleefully. Then she let out a squeal when Link took off in the direction that Zelda had headed, causing her fly off his shoulder and land on the ground with a splat. She spit out a mouthful of dirt and shook her tiny fist at the dust cloud left in Link's wake.

* * *

**Sorry about how short this chapter was, but I figured that you guys would probably appreciate a short chapter a lot more than no chapter. Am I right?**

**Reviews are always greatly appreciated. ^_^**


	10. Chapter 9

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Welcome to chapter 9 of The Love Potion! I'm sooo sorry that it took me so long to post this chapter, but I've been really busy these past few months. College really sucks up your time. Anyway, I'd like to thank: **

**The-Saiyan-From-Hyrule**

**PitFTW**

**Eternal Nocturne**

**zeldalove Akira-chan**

**Kayman**

**KityPryde**

**Link Fangirl01**

**MrChoco**

**Tanoshiix3**

**Crazyblondie (very special thanks here, she helped me come up with the idea for this story)**

**for reviewing the last chapter. It makes me feel good to know that people like my story. ^_^ And now, Mido will do the disclaimer for this chapter.**

**Mido: There's no way I'll do a disclaimer for **_**you**_**! Especially after you sicced that stupid fish lady on me in chapter 4!**

**Sage: And I'd happily do it again! In fact, I **_**will**_** do it again if you don't do the disclaimer.**

**Mido: *goes pale* You wouldn't.**

**Sage: Oh Ruuutooo…**

**Mido: Ack! Fine, I'll do it! Sage doesn't own Zelda or any of its characters!**

**Sage: *smiles sweetly* I knew you'd see it my way. Now, let the next chapter begin!**

* * *

Zelda sighed as she walked along the dirt path that led from Kakariko Village to Hyrule Castle Town. She had been walking for less than ten minutes, and her feet were already killing her from walking in high heels on such a rough path. She really wished that she had boots or some other kind of footwear instead of the ridiculously fancy shoes she always had to wear.

"Whoa!" she gasped as she almost tripped over a stray rock. After regaining her balance, she glared at the rock and kicked it off the road. "I really need to ask father to build some decent roads out here." Zelda muttered as she resumed walking. "These dirt paths are absolutely no good for walking." She began to think wistfully about how much easier and shorter this trip would be if she had a horse…but of course that wasn't happening. Well, on the bright side of this whole situation, she had gotten rid of Link, so that was one less thing to worry about.

No sooner had Zelda thought this when the ground began to rumble violently. Zelda's head snapped around to look for the cause of the rumbling, and her eyes widened when she saw that the rumbling wasn't caused by an earthquake as she had first suspected, but by Link charging towards her at an incredibly high rate of speed. "Oh my goddesses!" she gasped. "How can he run that fast?! He's not human!" The princess spun around and ran the opposite direction, hoping she could somehow outrun the speeding hero. The only problem with her plan (besides the obvious fact that Link was running at superhuman speeds) was that she was having some difficulty running in her high heels on the uneven terrain. She hadn't even taken ten steps when she tripped over another rock and plummeted toward the ground. She let out a squeak as she squeezed her eyes shut and braced herself for impact.

The actual impact was much less painful than she expected. In fact, it kinda felt like she had landed on a…pillow? No, pillows were softer. Well, whatever it was, it definitely wasn't the dirt path. Zelda cracked an eye open to see just what she'd landed on and gasped. "Link! How the heck did you get there!?" she exclaimed when she found that her so called 'pillow' was actually Link. She wondered how the heck he had managed to get to her and then place himself right under her in such a short amount of time. But then again, Link did seem to be rather prone to accomplishing feats that no normal human could even dream of doing.

Zelda was snapped out of her reverie when she suddenly noticed that Link had wrapped his arms around her after she had fallen on top of him. "Get your hands off of me!" she demanded as she tried to push herself off of him.

Link tightened his hold on her, causing her to wince. "No."

"L-link! You're c-crushing me!" Zelda gasped as she tried to crawl out of the hero's embrace.

"Zelda, I've decided that I deserve some kind of reward for all of the times I've saved you and Hyrule from the clutches of evil," Link began, ignoring said rescued princess's pitiful attempts to escape his hug of doom. "So I've decided that my reward will be your hand in marriage."

"Link, can we talk about this when you're not crushing my internal organs?" Zelda asked in a strained voice.

"No." said Link stubbornly. "We're gonna talk about it right now."

Zelda's head dropped onto Link's chest as she groaned in exasperation. What was it going to take to make him let go of her? Reasoning with him obviously wasn't going to work, so she'd have to trick him into letting her go. "You're right Link, you do deserve some kind of reward." she said as she lifted her head and looked him square in the eye.

The hero quirked an eyebrow at her. He honestly hadn't expected her to agree with him. "You're agreeing with me?" he asked skeptically, his hold on her lessening slightly. Zelda quickly gulped in some much needed air before nodding and continuing.

"It isn't right that you went through all of those life threatening situations for no reward at all." she stated matter-of-factly. "So I'm willing to—"

Link's sat straight up, causing Zelda to slide into his lap. "Are you saying that you'll marry me?" he asked eagerly as he grabbed her hands and stared at her intently.

Zelda sweatdropped. "Um, no I—"

"Excellent!" Link exclaimed as he shot to his feet, knocking Zelda to the ground in the process.

"Okay, what is it with you and dumping me on the ground?!" Zelda snapped as she stood up and brushed off her dress.

"Never mind that Zelda! We have plans to make!" Link declared, pointing his finger into the air for emphasis.

"No we don't! We're not getting married!"

Link's face darkened. "You say that like you have a choice in the matter." he said threateningly as he slowly began to walk toward the princess. She backed away from him, slightly creeped out by his sudden change of attitude. Was he bipolar or something? "What are you saying?" she asked as she continued to inch away from his suddenly very ominous form. Her retreat was brought to an abrupt halt when her back hit a tree.

"I'm saying that after what you did to me, you're not getting out of this so easily." said Link as he rested his hands on either side of her head on the tree trunk, effectively trapping her between him and the tree.

"Wait, what did I ever do to you?" Zelda asked confusedly.

Link looked at her in disbelief. "You mean you don't remember?" he asked incredulously.

"Um…" Zelda put a finger to her chin and thought for a moment. Then a look of realization crossed her face. "Oh wait, are you talking about when I blew you up at the Lonlon Ranch? Because that really wasn't my fault since I didn't know you were hiding right there, so—"

"No, that's not it."

"Oh? Then maybe…you're still upset that I kicked you in the balls at the castle?" Link was stunned by her bluntness. Weren't princesses supposed to be all prim and proper? But then again, this was Zelda he was talking about…

Zelda ignored his shocked look and continued. "But that was purely self defense, and—"

"Self defense?!" Link exclaimed. "I wasn't hurting you or even threatening to!"

"You were threatening to rip my dress, and in my book, that counts as sexual harassment."

"Sexual harassment?!"

Zelda nodded. "Yes."

Link growled. He wasn't a sexual harasser…at least, he didn't think he was. But if Zelda was going to pin such a dirty label on him, then he might as well act the part to show what it would be like if he really _was_ a pervert…which he wasn't. Time to put on his cool act…heheh.

"So you think I'm a sexual harasser huh?" he asked, purposely making his voice sound husky as he leaned forward, almost touching Zelda's nose. She just stared at him. "What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm gonna show you what it would be like if I actually _was_ a pervert." said Link as he licked his lips and grinned evilly. He then puckered his lips and lowered his mouth toward Zelda's while his hand slowly inched its way behind her, intent on getting a grope in for good measure.

Zelda rolled her eyes as she reached up and pinched his lips between her fingers, effectively halting his advances. "I don't think so." she said, and twisted her fingers while digging her nails into the soft flesh. Link made a strangled noise as his lips were distorted in a most painful manner, and Zelda, satisfied that the hero had been taught a lesson, released his lips and ducked under his arm.

"Goddesses, that hurt!" Link yelped as his hands flew to his mouth in an attempt to sooth the pain.

Zelda wagged her finger at him. "Let that be a lesson to you. Acting like a pervert will get you absolutely nowhere." She walked around Link and started towards the castle again. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home."

"Oh, no you're not!" Link yelled as he spun around and caught her by the arm.

"Let go of me!" she exclaimed as he tugged her back towards him. Link pinned the princess against his chest and tried to ignore the shooting pains that came from her vicious kicks to his shins. "One way or another Zelda, I'm gonna take you—" he was cut off by a particularly hard kick, which caused him to let out a pained moan.

Zelda's eyes doubled in size. He was gonna 'take her'?! And that moan, was it out of desire?! She wouldn't put it past that stupid love potion to make him horny on top of overly dramatic. There was only one thing to do. "I won't let you!" she shrieked as she snapped a thick branch off a nearby tree and smashed it into the side of Link's head. The hero saw a bright flash of light as his eyes rolled back in his skull, and he toppled backward, hitting the ground with a thud. Zelda stood over him, branch poised to pound him into the ground if he so much as twitched a finger.

It was in this position that Navi found them. She eyed Link's unconscious form for a moment, and then turned to Zelda. "What happened here?"

Zelda glanced at the fairy and let the tree branch drop to the ground as she hugged herself. "He was threatening to 'take me'." The princess shuddered as she rubbed her arms in an attempt to comfort herself after what she thought was a rather traumatic experience.

Navi pondered the princess's words for a moment. "Well, did you ever stop to consider that he might've meant that he was gonna 'take you' on a date or something like that?"

Zelda looked slightly guilty. "Oh…I didn't think about that. I kinda knocked him out him before he could say anything else." She looked down at the ground and scuffed her toe into the dirt. Then she blinked when she realized that she wasn't wearing any shoes. Where did they go…?

Navi shook her head in mock exasperation. "You never think things through before you maim people, do you? Jeez, and I thought you were supposed to have the Triforce of Wisdom."

Zelda quickly forgot about her missing shoes as she snapped her head up to glare at the fairy. She then held up a hand and let it explode with crackling magical energy. "What was that?" she asked menacingly as she inched her hand closer to where the Navi was hovering.

"Uh, nothing!" Navi squeaked as she hastily flew out of Zelda's reach.

Zelda cut off the flow of magic and smiled. "That's what I thought."

"Ugh, my head."

Zelda and Navi turned and spotted Link, who was sitting up and looking around groggily. "What hit me?" he mumbled as he rubbed his head.

"Oh, that was just Zelda beating you over the head with a tree branch after making false assumptions." said Navi smugly, making sure that she was out of Zelda's immediate reach.

Zelda crossed her arms and huffed. "Hey, he was acting like a total pervert two minutes before. I had every right to think that he meant that in a sexual way."

"No, you just have a dirty mind." said Navi.

Zelda gasped. "I do not!"

"Do to."

"Do not!"

"Do to!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO TO!"

After about ten minutes of shouting between the two agitated females, Link came to the conclusion that this could go on for hours if he didn't do something. "Hey!" he shouted. Both of the girls whipped around to glare at him. "What?!" they both yelled.

"Don't you think you've argued enough for now?"

Zelda folded her arms. "I'm not the one who started it." She nodded her head towards Navi. "She did."

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TO!"

Link sighed and decided to just let the two girls duke it out until they were satisfied. In the meantime, he could use a nap to get rid of his splitting headache.

"I did not, you stupid princess of perpetual PMSing!"

Zelda's left eye began to twitch. "What did you just call me?" she ground out between clenched teeth.

Navi crossed her small arms and sneered. "You heard me."

Zelda's eye twitch quickly spread to the rest of her body as she glared at Navi venomously. Princess of perpetual PMSing?! That was one of the stupidest names she'd ever heard of! Calling her such a ridiculous yet incredibly insulting name…that crude little fairy had crossed the line!

Zelda spun around and spotted Link dozing a few yards away. "Link!" she shouted.

Link jolted up from where he had fallen asleep against a tree. "Huh, wha—?"

Zelda stalked over to the groggy hero and pointed at the fairy behind her accusingly. "Control your stupid fairy!"

Link looked confused. "What did she do?" he asked as he got up and peered over Zelda's shoulder at the accused party, who was floating around while whistling innocently.

"She's been doing nothing but harassing and insulting me, and I've had enough!"

"Why didn't you just blast her like you usually do?" Link asked.

Zelda sighed in frustration as she rubbed her temples with her fingertips. "Believe me, I would've, but she has just enough wits about her to stay out of my reach."

Link was suddenly struck by an idea. "If I get rid of Navi, will you marry me?" Zelda gave him a withering look, and he quickly rethought his plan. "Ok, let me rephrase that. If I get rid of her, will you go on a date with me?"

Zelda considered Link's proposition. What harm could come from one little date? If she could just bare with it for a little while, she could be free of both Link and his hideous little fairy. "Well, I suppose I can do that…" she conceded.

Link's eyes lit up. "Great! I'll be back in a minute!" he exclaimed as he dashed toward where Navi was lazily floating about.

Zelda decided that now would be a good time to look for her shoes, which she figured had fallen off when she tripped earlier. She made her way over to a small group of trees, hoping to find the shoes that had caused her so much trouble.

While Zelda was looking for her shoes, Link zipped up to Navi and popped her in a bottle before she knew what hit her.

"Hey!" Navi screeched as she banged her tiny fists against the sides of her glass prison. "What's the big idea!?"

"Zelda said she'd go on a date with me if I got rid of you." said Link gleefully.

"And you agreed?!"

"Actually I offered, but it's pretty much the same concept."

Navi's jaw dropped. "You what?!"

"I said that I—"

"I heard what you said!" Navi snapped. "What I meant to say was, '_how could you_?!'"

Link shrugged. "Pretty easily actually."

"After everything we've been through together, after all the times I've helped you save Hyrule and given you advice when you didn't know where to go next, you're choosing that stuck up and violent princess over me?!" the imprisoned fairy demanded.

"Pretty much."

"What about loyalty to your partner?!"

"Screw that, I have a date with the hottest girl in all of Hyrule!"

Navi glared at him through the foggy glass of the bottle. "You'll pay for this…" she hissed.

Link ignored the threat and stuffed the bottle back into his pouch. He then turned back to where Zelda had been standing, only to discover that she was gone. He looked around frantically before catching sight of the princess walking behind a group of trees. "Zelda!" he roared.

Zelda froze when she heard the hero shout her name. From the way he sounded, it was obvious he thought she was trying to make a break for it. He'd probably want some form of an explanation for why she was walking away from him, and something told her that losing her shoes didn't sound like a very good one. She turned around slowly as Link came running up to her. "Um, I was just looking for my shoes…" she explained, pointing down at her reclaimed shoes.

Link crossed his arms and studied her for a minute. "I guess I'll have to take extra measures to make sure that you don't try to get away from me again." he said as he took a step forward.

Zelda put up a hand and took a step back. "That won't be necessary—ack!" Link scooped Zelda up and held her bridle style.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?! Put me down this instant!" Zelda demanded as she tried to squirm away.

Link grinned. "No can do Zelda. You've proven that you can't be trusted to keep your word, so I'll just have to make sure that you keep it." Zelda suspected that that wasn't his only reason for deciding to carry her. Link's eyes grew distant as his smile grew. "This date is going to be great! We'll have a private candlelit dinner, and then a romantic walk on the shore of Lake Hylia. And after that, we'll stay at the cutest little hot spring resort that I came across in my travels!"

Zelda gave Link a strange look. _"Cutest little hot spring resort?"_ she thought._ "What straight man would say cutest little hot spr— wait a minute…did he say hot spring resort?!"_ She stared at the hero in horror. "Hold on, hot springs?!" she exclaimed. "Where in Hyrule do we have those?!"

Link looked down at her. "Actually, there's one up on Death Mountain. The Gorons found some hot springs while mining and made a resort out of it. It makes sense though, I mean, they do live right next to a volcano, and that probably makes for some real nice hot springs." (1)

Zelda blinked. "Oh."

…

Zelda suddenly realized that she'd gotten sidetracked. "Wait!" she exclaimed. "I refuse to go to a hot spring resort with you!"

Link looked puzzled. "Why?"

"Because I've read romance novels, and I know what happens in places like that!" (2)

"We make mad passionate love while bathing together in a hot spring under the starry night sky?"

This time Zelda gave Link a disturbed look. "Uh…I was thinking more along the lines of that mushy slowly falling in love with each other stuff…what kind of trashy romance novels do _you_ read?" Then Zelda had another thought. "And why were you reading romance novels in the first place?"

Link snorted. "Well that's obvious. Some of those romance novels have some serious fight scenes in them, and I can get some pretty good fighting moves from reading them."

"Oh. I guess that makes a little bit of sense. But wouldn't you just skip to the fighting scenes instead of reading the…erm…love scenes?"

Link began to fidget and refused to look Zelda in the eye. "Uh, well…sometimes I have to read the love scenes that get stuck right in the middle of fighting scenes…"

"That's an excuse if I ever heard one…" Zelda muttered under her breath. Then she realized that she'd gotten sidetracked once again. "Oh, and I'm not going to a hot springs resort with you. _Especially_ after hearing your version of what you think will happen."

"Hey, I'm the one planning this date, so I'll decide what we do!"

"No!" Zelda shouted as she began to twist and turn, trying to escape from his grasp.

"Look, there's no point in fighting. You agreed to go on a date with me, and that's exactly what you're gonna do!"

Zelda decided to try a different tactic. She relaxed into Link's arms and pouted, giving him puppy dog eyes. "But I don't wanna go." she whimpered as she tugged on his sleeve.

Link almost melted into a puddle right then and there, but managed to pull himself together. "No. My decision is final." he said firmly.

Zelda growled. He wasn't going to get her into those hot springs without a fight! "Oh yeah? Well how about this!" Zelda wrapped her arms around Link and released a powerful surge of magical energy. Link's whole body went rigid and his hair stood on end as the jolts of energy coursed through him. Zelda grin was almost feral when she finally released him, and she settled back, waiting for his reaction.

Link just stood there for a moment, his pupils dilating rapidly as a little bit of drool escaped the corner of his mouth. Then a wide grin spread across his face and Zelda squeaked as he hugged her against his chest tightly.

"Oh Zelda, can't you just feel the electricity between us?!" he exclaimed passionately. "We were meant to be!"

If Link hadn't been clutching Zelda so tightly, she would've done a face fault. His statement had been so overwhelmingly cheesy that she almost felt sick. _"Ugh, what was it gonna take for this guy to get a clue?"_ she thought irritably. _"I just sent enough magical energy into him to stun a cow! Jeez!"_

"And now, let the date begin!" Link announced as he readjusted his grip on the princess and set off, looking slightly psychotic with his blonde hair pointing in all directions, drool leaking from the corner of his widely grinning mouth, and his pupils still dilating wildly. (3)

Zelda covered her eyes with her hand and sighed. She was going to have to come up with a plan to get away before they made it to those hot springs. She peeked up through her fingers at Link's current appearance and shuddered. Yeah, she was gonna have to come up with a plan very soon.

* * *

**Yay! Another chappie finished! ^_^**

**Ok, I'd like to know your guys's opinion on something. Do you think I should have Link and Zelda fall in love, or should I just keep messing with 'em until the end of the story? Please note that if they do end up falling in love, it's not gonna be sappy or overly serious, since this is a humor fic after all. Also, I'm open to any ideas you guys might have for situations I could put them in. Nothing overly perverted though, I would feel really weird having to write something like that. XD**

**Remember, review and tell me what you think!**

**(1) Yeah, I don't know how hot springs are created, so if my explanation is wrong, please don't hold it against me since I'm just guessing. Anyway, this is my version of the origin of the hot springs in Twilight Princess! XD**

**(2) I'm not joking about this being a popular romantic setting in fiction. You wouldn't believe all the fanfics, mangas, and animes I've read/seen that have romantic (or at least semi-romantic) hot spring encounters. I just had to poke a little fun at it, since it's so cliché. ;P**

**(3) When I was writing that description, I couldn't help but picture Link looking just a **_**little**_** bit like Yami Marik from Yu-Gi-Oh. *snickers* Now **_**that**_** was one psychotic guy. If you don't know who he is, Google image him. You'll see what I mean. XD**


	11. Chapter 10

**Sage: Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 10 of The Love Potion! I'm very sorry about not updating for almost four months, but I was having some technical issues with my last computer. But I was finally able to finish this chapter when I bought myself a laptop, so huzzah! Anyway, today I have a special guest doing the disclaimer, Ryou from Yu-Gi-Oh!**

**Ryou: Um, hallo there. I'm not quite sure why I'm here, but it's very nice to meet you all! *bows***

**Sage: You're here to do the disclaimer for my story.**

**Ryou: Oh! Well in that case, I'd be happy to do it.**

**Sage: Okay, then just tell the nice (coughevilcough) lawyers what they wanna hear.**

**Ryou: All right. Sage doesn't own Zelda or any of its characters. *looks at Sage* Was that okay?**

**Sage: It was perfect, thank you. And now, could you thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter? *hands Ryou a list of names***

**Ryou: Okay. Thank you:**

**PitFTW**  
**Link Fangirl01**  
**MrChoco**  
**OneWingedHeron53**  
**TwilightQueenMidna**  
**Kayman**  
**Angelgirl963**  
**Someguy5**  
**iawesome213**

**for reviewing chapter 9 of Sage's story. I'm sure it means quite a lot to her.**

**Sage: Yes it does, I love my reviewers. ^_^ Here Ryou, have some creampuffs for a job well done. *hands Ryou creampuffs* And now, let the story recommence!

* * *

**

Link whistled cheerfully as he made his way across Hyrule Field toward Hyrule Castle Town, Zelda still held securely in his arms. As they came to the drawbridge that led into the town, Zelda tapped Link's shoulder to get his attention. He stopped and looked down.

"Link," she started. "I absolutely refuse to go into anyplace remotely civilized with you while you look like that."

Link looked confused. "Like what?"

Zelda pointed at Link's head. "Your hair is still standing up in a way that makes you look like a porcupine on steroids, and you _still_ haven't wiped the drool off your face. You look like some kind of mental institute escapee, and I for one don't care to be seen with someone who looks like they hugged a bari." (1)

"Normally I would've fixed my hair right away, but my hands have been kinda full." Link explained, bouncing Zelda a bit to prove his point.

"Yeah, full of _me_." Zelda snapped. She took a deep breath to calm herself and tried reasoning with the hero. "If you'd just set me down, your hands would be totally free to fix it."

"And give you the chance to run off?" Link snorted. "Not likely. I'm going to keep carrying you until I feel you can be trusted to not run out on our date."

"But aren't your arms getting tired?" Zelda asked, hoping that she could convince the hero to release her with a fake act of concern for his well being.

"Nope. My golden gauntlets make it so I can withstand tremendous amounts of weight."

There was a silence that permeated the surrounding area for the entire length of three seconds before it was disrupted by a shriek of pure feminine rage. "Did you just call me _fat_?!"

Link's head snapped back from the sheer force of the scream. "No! I was just saying that—"

Zelda began to pummel Link's chest furiously with her fists. "_Unforgivable_! And you actually expect me to _marry_ a pig like you!? Unhand me at once you cad!"

"Hold on just a second, I didn't say that!"

"Unhand me or else this date is cancelled!" Zelda yelled.

Link promptly 'unhanded' Zelda, and she let out an 'eep' as she tumbled to the ground. She was surprised that Link had actually listened to her, but also annoyed that he had dropped her so suddenly. Would he ever learn how to put her down gently? But then again, she probably should've chosen her words a bit more carefully. The princess looked up at the hero, who had begun to fiddle around in his belt pouch after dropping her. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He didn't answer, but instead pulled out a coil of rope. Zelda eyed it uneasily. "Um…what's that for?"

Link shrugged. "If I can't carry you, I'll have to tie us together in order to keep you with me."

"So you're saying that you want to put me on some kind of leash?" Zelda squeaked, quite unnerved by the idea.

"Exactly." said Link as a he began uncoiling the rope.

"N-now wait a minute!" Zelda stammered. "There has to be other options!"

"I'm afraid not." said Link as he began to advance on the princess. She scrambled to her feet and backed away from him. "Wait! What if I…um…" Zelda frantically tried to think of a way out of her current predicament. Link was closing in on her, rope hanging menacingly from his hands. _"Wait,"_ she thought. _"Hands…"_

"What if we hold hands?!" she blurted.

Link stopped. "Hold hands?" he questioned, looking thoughtful.

Zelda nodded her head frantically. "Yes! We could hold hands, and then I wouldn't be able to run off without your notice!"

"Hmm…that could work. In fact," Link began to look excited. "It would make us look like a couple! Perfect!"

Zelda let out a sigh of relief, glad that she'd been able to avoid the fate of a common dog. Her people would begin to wonder what kind of princess they had if they saw her being dragged around on a leash, and she couldn't have that. Her relief was short lived, however, when Link grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug. She squirmed in a feeble attempt to make him let her go. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work.

"Zelda, the fact that you'd offer to hold hands with me makes me so happy!" the hero gushed as he began to stroke the princess's long blonde hair, which consequently made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

"Um, I'm glad that you're happy and all," she started, unconsciously wincing with every stroke that made its way through her hair. "But would you consider fixing your own hair before playing with mine?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that." Link let go of Zelda and started to pat his hair back into its usual style with one hand, his other appendage occupied with holding Zelda's wrist. Once he had finished, he wiped off the dried drool off his face with his sleeve and turned to the princess for inspection. "Better?"

Zelda nodded. "Much." Then something occurred to her. "Hey, what happened to your hat?"

Link reached behind his back and pulled his hat from where it had been hanging on a cord around his neck. "Sometimes my hat gets blown off in really fierce battles, so I attached it to this cord to make sure that I wouldn't loose it." he explained.

"That's…pretty smart actually." Zelda admitted as Link put his hat on and adjusted it to its normal position.

"Now, shall we go?" he asked.

"Um…"

"I'll take that as a yes. Let's go!" Link exclaimed, and started to walk briskly across the drawbridge. Zelda yelped as she was pulled after him by her wrist, and she had to trot to keep up with his long strides.

Once they entered town, Link looked around at the signs above the local businesses, trying to find a good place to have his 'romantic candlelit dinner' with Zelda. Zelda, on the other hand, was busy trying to hide behind Link, not liking the stares they were receiving from the townsfolk passing by. She also didn't like the commentary that accompanied some of the curious stares. Things like 'Isn't that Link with the princess?' and 'Are those two an item now?' floated to her ears, and she knew that rumors would be starting very soon. She groaned and leaned her forehead against Link's back. Being royalty, she was used to being the subject of rumors, but this would be fuel for a whole slew of rumors that she knew she wouldn't be able to deny. Oh why did the goddesses hate her so much?

Link looked over his shoulder at the princess curiously. Why was she hiding? Was there something that was scaring her? This thought made him stiffen and eye the marketplace suspiciously. From what he could tell, there wasn't anything out of the ordinary…except for that one guy who was scooting closer and eyeing Zelda funny…wait, maybe his angel was scared of that guy! Yes, what else could it possibly be?

"You fiend!" Link bellowed as he released Zelda's wrist and jumped the young man, pinning him to the ground. He quickly drew his sword and held the tip to the teen's neck. "How _dare_ you frighten my sweet Zelda?!"

"Wh-what?" the teen stuttered, clearly scared witless by the crazy looking man who was pinning him down and threatening to stab him.

"Silence worm!" Link snapped. "I shall slay you for your insolence!" He raised his sword and prepared to make the killing blow. The crowd that had inevitably gathered around to see what the commotion was about gasped. They were about to be the witnesses to a first degree murder!

"What are you doing?!" Zelda shrieked as she sprang forward and latched onto Link's arm. She couldn't believe that he'd just randomly jump an innocent civilian and threaten to kill him! "Have you gone insane?!" she demanded as she pried the sword from the hero's grasp and threw it to the cobblestoned ground.

"But…isn't this guy the one who was scaring you?" Link asked in a small voice, wondering if maybe he'd attacked the wrong person.

"What would make you think this poor man was scaring me?" Zelda asked angrily. She made her way to the teen's side and knelt beside him. "Are you all right?" she asked, her voice becoming soft and concerned.

"Uh…I th-think so…" the teen said, still a bit shaken up from the sudden assault. He looked up and gasped when he recognized just who was speaking to him. "Your highness!" he breathed as a scrambled to a halfway sitting position and bowed his head in respect.

"Oh, you don't have to do that." Zelda reassured him. "Here, let me help you up." She took hold of the teen's arm and pulled him to his feet, then reached into her satchel and pulled out a pouch containing several hundred rupees. "Here, take this. It's the least I can do to make up for what Link just did." she said as she held the pouch out to him.

The young man looked startled and bowed his head again. "Your majesty! I couldn't possibly accept such generosity."

"No, it's all right. I insist." Zelda said gently as she took the teen's hand and placed the pouch in it.

The teen looked at the pouch in amazement, then at the princess with shining eyes. "You're too kind my lady."

Zelda smiled kindly at the young man. "Like I said, it's the least I can do to atone for Link's stupidity."

Link growled as he watched Zelda talk to the teenager. Why was she being so kind to this complete stranger while she was so cold towards him? It just didn't make any sense. And he didn't like the look that guy was giving her…he was practically undressing her with his eyes! Link decided it was time to put an end to this foolishness. He marched over to the princess and clapped a hand on her shoulder. She looked startled at first, but the look quickly turned to one of annoyance.

"Was there something you wanted?" she asked irritably as she shrugged off Link's hand, still mad at him for attacking one of her subjects.

"We're leaving." Link stated, turning and taking a few steps away from the teen. When Zelda didn't make a move to follow him, he grabbed her arm and tugged, trying to pull her after him. "_Now_." he growled.

Zelda slapped his hand away and crossed her arms. "And since when do I take orders from _you_?"

Link drew himself up to his full height and crossed his arms over his chest. "Since I became your fiancée. Everyone knows that the woman is always the submissive one in a relationship."

The gathered crowd, who had been quietly talking amongst themselves during the aftermath of the attack, suddenly fell silent at this statement, shocked by the hero's words. What in the name of Din was the man thinking? A few of the people in the crowd slunk away, not wanting any part of what was bound to happen next. And happen it did.

Angry shrieks echoed throughout the market place as the feminists of Hyrule Castle Town charged Link, screaming obscenities and threats as they converged on the hero and tackled him to the ground, beating him mercilessly with whatever they could get their hands on. Some of the women even broke out some wrestling moves, but most just contented themselves with the traditional 'beat the target with a blunt object' tactic.

"Take this, you sexist pig!"

"How _dare_ you suggest that women are inferior?!"

"I'll rip out your esophagus and feed it to you!"

"I swear your mother will _cry_ when she sees what I've done to you!"

Needless to say, when the ladies finally decided that Link had been sufficiently punished for his _extremely_ sexist comment, he was barely recognizable as a human being. Zelda, who had been quietly standing to the side during the onslaught, walked over to the hero's prone form and kneeled beside what she assumed to be his head. It was really hard to tell, since his body was doing a very good impression of a pretzel. "So, _w__ho's_ the submissive one in the relationship?" she asked smugly.

The following reaction was the last thing she would've expected from the mangled man before her. Link sprang up from where he had been laying in an almost comatose state and seized Zelda's hands, his eyes sparkling with glee. Zelda jerked back in surprise. How was he able to move? Those women had beaten him within an inch of his life! And he didn't even look hurt at all!

"You actually acknowledged that we have a relationship! I'm so happy!" Link exclaimed gleefully as he enveloped the princess in a hug.

"You're inhuman." she gasped, suddenly fearing that she wouldn't be able to beat Link off if he actually tried anything indecent.

"Why thank you!"

"That _wasn't_ a compliment."

Link ignored the princess's statement. "Now, shall we begin our date?" he asked, holding Zelda out at arms length to look her in the eye.

Zelda sighed. "I suppose so…" she said reluctantly. She had promised after all, and she wouldn't go back on her word. Though she was beginning to think that this would be a very good time to rethink that particular moral value…

"Alright! Then let's head on in to that restaurant over there!" said Link as he spun Zelda around and pointed to a rather expensive looking restaurant down the street. Zelda raised an eyebrow.

"Can you afford it?" she asked.

"Probably not." Link grinned.

Zelda gave him a withering look. "Then how do you expect us to eat there? I can assure you that I will not be paying for a date that I didn't want to go on in the first place."

Link waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. I saved the owner of that restaurant from an angry moblin, so he owes me a favor."

"…I see." said Zelda.

"Now come on!" Link exclaimed as he grabbed Zelda's hand in one hand and pointed down the street with the other. "We must start on our date while the night is still young!"

Zelda absently noted that the sky was indeed beginning to grow dark. "Oh fine." she grumbled as Link led her down the street to the restaurant. Once they got inside, Link requested a table for two, and they were seated within moments.

"Go ahead and pick anything you'd like." said Link.

"Uh-huh." Zelda murmured absently as she scanned her menu. She was used to eating fancy, so none of these items seemed all that special to her. But she was pretty hungry, so she finally decided on an entre that she thought would fill her.

A rather stuffy looking waiter came over to the table with his notepad ready. "Good evening monsieur and mademoiselle, how may I serve you?" he asked in a French accent.

"I'll have the filet mignon with the fettuccine alfredo and steamed asparagus tips, and a glass of your mulberry wine." Zelda ordered.

"And how would you like your filet mignon?" asked the waiter as he scribbled down her order.

"Medium-rare please."

The waiter jotted down the rest of the order and turned to Link. "And what will you be having, monsieur?"

Link held up his menu and ran his finger down the right side of it. "I'll have one of everything on this side of the menu." (2)

The waiter and princess gawked at the hero as he looked at the waiter expectantly, waiting for him to write down his rather hefty order.

"A-are you sure about zat, monsieur?" the waiter asked, not believing the appetite of this man.

"Yup." Link confirmed. Then he thought of something. "Oh, and bring me some of that mulberry wine while you're at it. In fact, bring a whole bottle."

"Uh, certainly." said the waiter. "Will zat be all?"

"Yup."

"W-well zen, I'll just be taking your menus, and your food will be out…erm…shortly." The waiter took the menus from couple and quickly fled to the kitchen.

Zelda just stared after the waiter for a moment before turning to Link. "You're actually planning on _eating_ all of that food?" she asked in disbelief.

Link shrugged. "What can I say? Being a hero works up an appetite."

"No kidding." said Zelda, sarcasm dripping from her voice. "Let's hope the moblin you saved the owner from was a big one."

"Nope, it was just a normal one."

Zelda gave Link an incredulous look. "A normal one? Do you really think that's going to cover your bill? You literally ordered half the menu for Farore's sake!"

Link shrugged. "The owner doesn't know that the moblin was normal sized. He told me that it was the first moblin he had ever seen in person, so he'll believe me if I tell him it was bigger than usual."

"Link!" Zelda exclaimed, appalled by the very notion of telling such a lie. "How can you even think of taking advantage of a victim of a moblin attack? It's your duty to protect the people of Hyrule!"

Link snorted. "Well it's not like I get paid for it, so I think that I can bend the rules a bit every once in a while."

"And just how often do you bend the rules?"

"Not very often. In fact, I think this is only my second time. I can usually pull favors or use the rupees I find in my travels to get what I need."

"What did you do the first time?" Zelda asked, wondering what could possibly top ordering half the menu at an incredibly fancy and expensive restaurant without paying. Well, maybe ordering the whole menu…or two of everything on the menu…or…okay, now that she thought about it, there were quite a few things that could top it.

"Well," said Link. "The first time was when I got one of the Gerudo women to give me a blow—"

"_What?!_" Zelda shrieked, earning herself glares from the diners at the other tables. She blushed and ducked her head in embarrassment.

Link just stared at her in confusion. "Um…like I was saying…I got one of the Gerudo women to give me her tribe's sacred blowgun. It's an ancient blowgun that's been in their tribe for generations, but I needed it to get through a cave in order to rescue you, so I convinced one of them to give it to me by telling her that there was a prophecy that stated that the first male outsider to be accepted into their tribe would inherit it. That was probably the only other time I had to lie to get what I needed."

"O-oh." said Zelda sheepishly, ashamed of what she had thought he meant.

Link raised an eyebrow. "What did you think I meant?"

"Nothing!" Zelda squeaked. She cleared her throat and began fiddling with her napkin. "Nothing…" she mumbled.

Link suddenly got a devilish gleam in his eye and he smirked. "Ohhh, I get it. You thought that I was saying that I got her to give me a _blow_—"

Link was interrupted by the return of the French waiter. "Monsieur and mademoiselle, here is zee mulberry wine zat you ordered." He set a bucket of ice that contained a bottle of wine on the table. "Zee first course of your meal will be out shortly." He informed them.

"First course?" Link asked in puzzlement. "But I don't remember ordering a meal that had courses."

"Ah, well," said the waiter. "Your rather…_large_ order will take some time to prepare, so we decided to bring it out to you in zee form of courses. Unless you would like to wait longer for your whole order…?"

"No no, that's fine, I was just curious." said Link, not wanting to wait any longer than he had to for his food.

"Zen I shall be back with the first course of your meal shortly." said the waiter. He turned and made his way back to the kitchen.

Link looked back at Zelda and regained the smirk that had graced his features only moments earlier. "So, you thought that I was referring to a—"

"Why don't we have some wine before we eat?" Zelda cut him off quickly, trying to avoid a very awkward situation.

Link suddenly took notice of the wine. "Oh yeah, the wine. That sounds like a good idea."

Zelda was surprised that Link had been distracted so easily, but was grateful to the goddesses for the wonderful blessing that was ADD. Link pulled the wine bottle out of the ice, popped the cork, and poured some wine into each glass. After depositing the wine bottle back into the bucket, he grabbed his wine glass and downed it. Zelda blinked as he seized the wine bottle and proceeded to refill his glass and down it again. After the fifth glass, Zelda began to grow uneasy.

"Um, Link?" she inquired. "I think that you've had enough for the moment…"

"Non -hic- sense!" he said as he hiccupped and poured another glass. "A little bit of -hic- wine can't -hic- hurt me!" The hero knocked back another glass and reached for the bottle again.

"Oh goddesses," Zelda groaned. "Please don't tell me you're drunk."

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**Hmm…I'm beginning to wonder if I should change the rating of this story to T. After all, I've made a few rather vague sexual references…and they **_**are**_** drinking alcoholic beverages...yeah, I'll probably do that sometime soon.**

**I apologize for changing up the way I'll be doing the disclaimers, but I was getting bored of using minor Zelda characters. Plus, I luffles Ryou. If you don't know who he is, Google image him! He's too cute! Anyway, more guests to come in future disclaimers! (because everyone loves a good cameo) =P**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated; they give me warm fuzzies and the will to write. ^_^**

**(1) A bari is a jellyfish looking monster that electrocutes people. They're found in the Jabu-Jabu's Belly dungeon in Ocarina of Time. I would imagine that hugging one would leave pretty much anyone looking like a Yami Marik cosplayer.**

**(2) I totally stole that idea from Slayers. I couldn't resist. XD**


	12. Chapter 11

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 11 of The Love Potion! I'd like to thank:**

**GrossGirl18  
Mwahahaevil  
Link Fangirl01  
Reyser3000  
MrChoco  
DieDoodels  
linkluvr01**

**for reviewing Chapter 10 of my story, I really appreciate it.**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.**

**Now, enjoy Chapter 11 of my story! XD**

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Link paused. "Drunk?" he asked quizzically. "No, I'm not -hic- drunk. Wine just gives me hiccups. It's -hic- kind of annoying, since everyone assumes that I'm -hic- drunk as soon as I start -hic- hiccupping."

Zelda wasn't convinced. "Are you sure about that? You've already had six glasses of wine."

"I'm very good at -hic- holding my liquor. Just -hic- watch." Link poured himself another glass of wine and gulped it down.

Zelda snatched the wine bottle off the table and placed it out of Link's reach. "That's quite enough. Even _you_ can't possibly drink that much alcohol without getting drunk."

Link swayed a bit as he began to feel lightheaded. "Y'know," he slurred. "I think you jusht might…be…right…" Link's head hit the table as his vision faded to black.

"Link?" Zelda leaned over the table and shook the hero. "What's the matter? Link?"

"Guuuuh…"

"Link, get up! You're going to cause a scene!" Zelda hissed as she spotted some of the other diners glancing over at their table curiously.

Link lifted his head a bit and blinked blearily. "Huh, wha? What's happening?" He sat up a bit more and rubbed his head. "Goddesses, my head hurts…" He looked up and noticed Zelda staring at him intently from across the table. His eyes widened. "Z-zelda?" he asked. "What's going on here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Zelda replied. "You passed out from drinking too much. You really should've listened to—"

"No, not that! …okay, maybe that too, but what else?"

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean 'what else?' Did the alcohol affect your memory?"

Link really didn't feel like arguing at this point. "Sure, let's go with that."

"Oh. Well, I guess we're on a date."

"We are?" Link yelped. "_Why_?"

Zelda looked offended. "Hey, it wasn't _my_ idea. _You're_ the one who's been trying to convince me to date and/or marry you ever since you drank that stupid love potion—"

"Love potion?" Link exclaimed. "I drank a love potion?"

Zelda noticed that everyone in the restaurant was now staring at their table, so she pulled Link out of his chair and dragged him into the hallway that led to the restrooms. Once they were safely out of the public eye, Zelda turned to face Link.

"Yes Link, you did drink a love potion." she affirmed. "I told you that right after you drank it."

Link he held his head in his hands. "I…I don't remember _any_ of that." He looked at Zelda. "How exactly did that happen?"

"You drank a love potion after I told you it was a red potion." Something suddenly occurred to Zelda. Could it be…? "Um, Link?"

"What?"

"Do you love me?"

"Love _you_?" Link stared at the princess as if she had grown two heads. "Goddesses no!"

"Oh Link, that's wonderful!" Zelda exclaimed as she threw her arms around the hero and hugged him. Link stiffened and Zelda, realizing what she had done, quickly stepped away from him. "Link, I think that the wine acted as a counter to the potion!" she said excitedly.

"But how come I don't remember anything? I know that you remembered everything that happened to you after you were cured."

Zelda thought for a minute. "Well," she said slowly. "Maybe the wine doesn't act like a full fledged cure. Which means," Her eyes widened with realization. "It might only be a temporary cure!"

Link was horrified. "No! I don't wanna fall in love with _you_ of all people!"

Zelda squashed the urge to slap him for his rudeness and said, "Calm down, all we have to do is find out what the real counter is and everything will be okay. How did I break free of the spell?"

Link thought for a moment. "Well, Navi and I found the shop where the love potions were made, and I bought the antidote—"

Zelda cut Link off. "Great! Just tell me where the shop is, and we can buy another antidote."

"Wait! There's more." Link began to blush as he ducked his head and mumbled something incoherent.

"What was that?" Zelda asked as she leaned forward.

Link mumbled again.

Zelda sighed in frustration. "This is important! You have to tell me the rest before the effect of the wine wears off!"

Link grumbled for a moment before finally mumbling in a nearly inaudible voice, "The person who is under the influence of the love potion has to take the antidote mouth-to-mouth."

Zelda's eyes grew large as the impact of Link's statement hit home. "I have to _kiss_ you?"

"Pretty much…"

Zelda began to pace up and down the hallway agitatedly, her hands clasped tightly behind her back. "I don't believe this! Why would someone make an _antidote_ to a love potion that has to be given as a _kiss_! It makes no sense!"

"The shopkeeper said that it was the only thing that worked…"

"Screw that!" Zelda snarled. "There is no way that I'll ever kiss you willingly!" Zelda was so busy fuming that she didn't notice Link's pupils dilating and a slow smile creeping onto his face.

"Maybe you won't kiss me, but I'll kiss you anytime baby." he purred.

Zelda whirled around and fixed Link with a heated glare. "No you won't! We're going to figure out another way to administer the antidote."

Link crossed his arms behind his head and leaned against the wall. "And what makes you think that I'll take the antidote?" he asked. "I'm perfectly content with the way things are right now."

"Well you shouldn't be!"

"But I am."

Zelda sighed and rubbed her temples wearily. "…the wine wore off, didn't it?"

"Yup." Link replied. He stared off into space for few seconds. "Though I have to admit," he mused. "There _is_ one thing that I'm not content with."

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what might that be?"

Link suddenly grabbed the princess and pulled her against him. "Your feelings for me." His devilish smirk grew as he continued. "And all of this talk of love potions has given me a great idea of how to remedy that."

Zelda gasped and tried to push away from him. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, but I would. If I get you to drink the love potion with my spit in it, you'll fall in love with me and we'll live happily ever after."

Zelda began to look decidedly ill. "Your spit? Link, that's disgusting!"

Link shrugged. "That's the way it works. I thought it was disgusting when I first heard it too. But it really isn't that bad…after all, people swap saliva all the time when they kiss." He leered down at Zelda. "And we'll be doing plenty of that in the future."

Zelda shuddered in revulsion. "Ugh, only _you_ would think of it like that." she said disgustedly as she finally managed to rip herself out of the hero's hold. "And no, we won't be doing 'plenty of that' in the future because I'll cure you before you can curse me!"

Link gave Zelda a smug grin. "Ah, but you don't know where to go to buy the antidote. And I happen to know exactly where the love potion is sold. I hold the ace, and soon you'll be leaping into my arms as you proclaim your love for me."

"In you're dreams!" Zelda spat.

"Oh really?" Link looked up at the ceiling as he tapped a finger to his chin. "I seem to remember you chasing me around for days saying that you loved me."

"That was because of a love potion!"

"Exactly! And it's gonna happen again once you drink the potion."

"But it wasn't real! Shouldn't love be real?"

Link shrugged. "Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to get you, and as long as the love _feels_ real, I won't complain."

"…what do you mean, "feels real'?" Zelda asked suspiciously.

Link's grin widened. "Just how it sounds princess."

"You pervert!"

"Only when I'm around you hot stuff." Link said as he made a grab for her again.

Zelda quickly sidestepped the grab and glared at him. "Ugh, you're such a pig!" She turned on her heel and stormed into the ladies room at the end of the hall, slamming the door behind her.

Link watched her go, his smirk still in place. Everything was falling into place. Once Zelda drank the love potion, she would become his bride! MWAHAHAHAHA! _"Wait, did I just laugh evilly inside my head_?_"_ he asked himself. _"Man, I really am starting to sound like Ganon. I should probably tone it down a bit…"_

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Once inside the bathroom, Zelda walked over to the mirrors and stared at her reflection, thinking over this new predicament. She needed to get a hold of the antidote, that was for sure. And she had to do it fast, or else Link might succeed in his mission and she'd end up married to the cretin. But how was she going to find the shop? She had no clues other than the fact that it was run by an old lady. And Link definitely wasn't going to tell her where it was. Curse his random love potion induced mood swings, now he was starting to act downright villainous.

Zelda groaned and thumped her head against the mirror. What was she going to do? If only there was someone else who knew where—

She bolted upright. Of course! Link had said that he and Navi had found the shop, which meant that Navi knew where it was! She had to get Navi's bottle from Link and ask her where the shop was. Then she would buy the potion, figure out a way to give it to Link without kissing him, and everything would be back to normal! Well, as normal as things could get in Hyrule…

Zelda drew herself up and walked to the exit determinedly. She was going to win this fight no matter what!

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**Heehee, I'll bet all of you were expecting Link to get drunk, weren't you? Sorry, no drunk Link, just Link still drugged up on a love potion. This chapter is kinda short, but I thought that you guys would probably like having this to read instead of waiting for me to finish writing out a longer chapter. Plus, it seemed like a good place to end a chapter. :P**

**And yes, I am going to stop using characters to do my disclaimers for me. I just don't feel the desire to do it anymore; I'd rather focus on writing the story instead of the disclaimer. Hope you guys don't mind. XD**


	13. Chapter 12

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 12 of The Love Potion! Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter posted; it's been a rather busy summer for me. Anyway, I'd like to thank all of the people who reviewed the last chapter of my story! Thank you:**

**OneWingedHeron53  
****Link Fangirl01  
****AlteaAuroraRia  
****WritersBlock XD  
****Kattheamazing  
****ElementUchihaMaster  
****Hazelholly  
****Evilblood  
****linklovr01  
****obviouslyblue  
****NinjaKrabz**

**Enjoy the chapter! =D**

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Zelda slowly opened the bathroom door and peered out cautiously. Just because she was going out specifically to talk to Link didn't mean that she had to be caught off guard by a glomp attack from the overly affectionate hero. After all, she would have to be able to run away once she had Navi's bottle.

Seeing that the coast was clear, she opened the door the rest of the way and walked out. Another quick glance around showed no sign of the hero, which made her feel slightly anxious. Had Link already left to buy the love potion? This thought made Zelda start walking a bit more quickly as she entered the dining room. Just as she was on the verge of breaking into a full-fledged run, she heard someone call her name. The princess spun around and spotted Link sitting at their table, happily waving a half-eaten cucco leg at her.

"Hey Zelda!" he called. "The food arrived while we were gone! Come over here and eat with me!"

It was then that the princess noticed the enormous amount of food that was piled on top of the table. Her eyes widened in disbelief. Was there even a table under there? Zelda tore her eyes away from the heaping mound of food and instead focused her attention on Link, who had gone back to ripping the meat off the cucco leg. She had to admit, she was a bit surprised. She thought that Link would've taken the opportunity to get the love potion while she wasn't there to stop him. But then again, he had always had a rather large weakness for food, and he also probably thought that leaving her unattended would result in her disappearing. But whatever his reasoning, it worked for her. She walked over to the table and seated herself, eyeing the towering pile of food before her.

She started to dig through the huge mound of food in search of her own plate. "You're actually planning on eating all of this?" she asked, repeating her question from when he had first placed the order for the large meal. She finally managed to locate her own meal and pulled it from the stack.

"Being a hero takes a lot of energy, so I have to regain it by eating a lot. Now let's dig in!" And dig in Link did. Zelda could only gape as Link seized any morsel of food that came within his reach and gobbled it down like a ravenous wolf. Chunks of food flew through the air as Link stuffed his face, and Zelda began to feel a tad bit queasy. Link hadn't been kidding when he had said that he didn't use a fork, he was eating like a wild animal! Finding that she had lost her appetite, Zelda pushed her still full plate back into the pile and instead opted to continue staring at Link's atrocious eating habits with a morbid fascination.

It only took Link ten minutes to finish eating, and Zelda was marveling at the fact that his stomach hadn't expanded at all. Where did all of that food _go_? Then she mentally shook herself. Thinking about the mysteries of Link's diet wasn't going to get her any closer to her goal, and she needed to stay focused.

"So…" she began as he was licking the last plate clean. "How long has Navi been stuck in that bottle you put her in?"

Link gave Zelda a blank look. "Who?"

Zelda resisted the urge to do a face palm. "You know, Navi? The fairy that goes everywhere with you and gives you advice during your adventures?"

A look of realization crossed Link's face. "Ohhh, _Navi_. I totally forgot about her." He gave the princess an inquisitive look. "Weren't you the one who asked me to get rid of her?"

"Well, technically you offered…but yes. All the same, I think she's been punished enough for now."

Link leaned back in his chair and studied Zelda for a moment. Finally, he said, "Something seems off here. You _hate_ Navi. I'd think that you would be happy that she's trapped in a bottle for all eternity."

"What do you take me for? A heartless monster?" Zelda asked indignantly.

"For the sake of our future happiness, I'm not going to answer that."

Zelda grit her teeth. "Just give me the stupid bottle." she growled.

"I might be willing to give you Navi…if you give me something in return." Link leaned forward and licked his lips.

Zelda leaned as far back as her chair would allow. "Oh _come on_! Why does everything I ask you to do have to have strings attached?"

"Because it's the only way I'll ever get anything from you."

"…you do have a point." Zelda heaved a sigh. "Okay, what do you want?"

"You."

"_Other_ than that."

Link pouted. "You're no fun."

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Yeah yeah, I'm a horrible killjoy. Now tell me what you want." Then she held up a hand. "No wait, let me guess. You want a kiss, don't you?"

"No."

"Sex?"

"Tempting…but no."

"Money?"

"Yes."

"New ite— wait, what?"

"I want money."

Zelda gave Link a confused look. "But why?"

"So I can buy the love potion. I spent most of my money on that Din forsaken antidote." Link scowled at the mention of the antidote. "Stupid thing…"

Zelda gave Link a blank stare for a moment before speaking. "So…" she said slowly. "You actually think that I'm going to give you money…to buy a love potion…that's going to ruin my life."

"As a matter of fact, I do." He leaned forward. "So, what'll it be?"

Zelda weighed her options. She'd never be able to find the potion shop without Navi, but if she gave Link the rupees, she'd pretty much be paying for her own demise. It would most definitely be a race against time if she gave in to Link's demand…but what choice did she have?

"Fine, I'll pay you." she consented reluctantly.

"Then I'll be taking five-thousand rupees, if you please."

"F-five-thousand rupees!" Zelda gasped. "The potion costs five-thousand rupees?"

"Well, the antidote did, so I'm gonna assume that the potion will cost about the same. But that's only if I don't get the Hero of Time discount." said Link as he grinned.

"That's a lot of money for such a worthless fairy." Zelda grumbled as she opened her bag and began rifling through it.

"That's my price. You don't have to pay it if you don't want to, but it means you won't get Navi."

Zelda didn't answer as she finally located her rupee pouch. She rummaged through it for a few seconds before producing twenty-five orange rupees. She dumped them on the table and gave Link an expectant, if not rather anxious, look.

Link quickly counted the rupees before scooping them into his pouch. Then he pulled out the bottle that held Navi and placed it on the table. Zelda snatched up the bottle and stood from her chair.

"Hey, where are _you_ going?" Link asked.

"I'll be right back." said Zelda as she inched away from the table. "I'm…just going to go powder my nose. Why don't you order some dessert for us while I'm gone?"

Link's face brightened at the mention of dessert. "Okay, I'll do that. Just don't take too long."

"I won't." Zelda said as she made her way out of the dining room at what looked to be a leisurely pace. But once she was out of Link's line of vision, she bolted down the hall and into the ladies room, slamming the door behind her. She did a quick check of the bathroom to make sure there weren't any other doors or open windows. Satisfied that there was no way for Navi to escape, she uncorked the bottle.

The instant the bottle was unstopped, Navi shot out and issued a savage (if not rather squeaky) war cry as she lunged toward Zelda's face. Zelda yelped as she barely dodged the fairy's attack. Before the fairy had time to turn around, Zelda's hand shot out and captured her wings between two pinched fingers.

"_What_ is your problem?" Zelda demanded as she dangled Navi at eye level. "I just set you free!"

"Yeah, but _you're_ the one who's responsible for putting me in there in the first place!" Navi snapped as she struggled. "Now let go of me!"

Zelda ignored Navi's demand. "I'm only partially responsible. Link was the one who actually trapped you in there."

"Yeah, but-"

"_And_ he was the one who _offered_ to put you in the bottle."

"Well sure, but-"

"And if you think about it, he had absolutely no right to do that. After all, the two of you are partners, so why would he offer to stuff you in a bottle without so much as a second thought? Me wanting to have you put in a bottle makes sense, but Link? What reason could he possibly have for doing such a thing?"

By this point, Navi was seething. Zelda was right! She and Link were supposed to be partners! Him offering to do something so cruel to her was absolutely unforgivable! Sticking a fairy in a bottle or other corked container was the second worst thing that a person could do to a fairy. Number one being damaging their wings. And now that she thought about it…he had done that too! Ohoho…now there was _no_ way Link was gonna escape her wrath. In fact, she'd make sure that he suffered until the end of time!

With thoughts of vengeance and rather gory tortures running through her tiny little head, Navi let out a squeaky cackle as she rubbed her hands together with malicious glee.

Zelda, while rather disturbed by Navi's sudden and rather deranged looking change of heart, couldn't help but smirk. Her plan to turn Navi against Link had succeeded!

Zelda released her hold on the fairy's wings before asking, "And what, do you think, would be the best revenge on Link?"

"To cut off his balls!" Navi declared as she pulled a knife twice her size out of thin air and swung it downwards.

Zelda blinked. "Um…I meant mentally, not physically."

The knife disappeared. "Oh. Well, I could mention the psychotic camel from LonLon Ranch. He seemed to be pretty traumatized by that. But I'm not sure that even that would be quite painful enough..."

Even though she was curious to know how Link could've been traumatized by a camel, Zelda decided that she would have to hold off on asking about it until later. Right now, she needed to give the fairy a nudge in the right direction.

"What's the one thing that's most important to him right now?" she asked, interrupting Navi's musing about which traumatic memory she should use.

"Well, obviously you." The princess could almost see the light turn on above Navi's head as the fairy finally registered what she was hinting at. "Ohhh." she said. "So the thing that would hurt him most right now would be losing the person he loves." The knife reappeared and she pointed it at Zelda."I guess that means that you're gonna have to go."

Zelda crossed her arms and stared the fairy down. "Are you sure you want to do that? Just think of what my father would do to you if he found out that you even so much as scratched me."

Navi hesitated. The King of Hyrule was famous for being merciless when it came to his daughter's safety. Anyone who so much as looked at her funny in the king's presence could be thrown in the castle dungeons for weeks or have Link sicced on them. Killing the princess would definitely guarantee that the she'd be sentenced to a very long and painful death by the hands of the King's guards or an enraged Link. Perhaps she should go about making Link lose his love in a different sort of way.

Navi made the knife disappear again. She placed her tiny arms on her hips and glowered at Zelda. "And I suppose _you_ have a better way of making him lose you? He already knows you don't love him, so what more can he lose of you other than your life?"

"Well, I suppose I'll just have to tell you."

* * *

**Well, it looks like Zelda's plan is finally going to be set in motion. But will it work? Stay tuned to find out!**

**Reviews are always accepted and loved. ^_^**


	14. Chapter 13

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 13 of The Love Potion! I'd like to thank all of the super-special-awesome people who reviewed Chapter 12. Thank you:**

**Eternal Nocturne  
****OneWingedHeron53  
****obviouslyblue  
****AlteaAuroraRia  
****Princess Mara of the Universe  
****Kattheamazing  
****Hazelholly  
****Tybs23  
****linkluvr01  
****King-of-Anime-Earth  
****Crazyblondie1591**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.**

**Enjoy! :D**

**

* * *

**

"-and that's how we'll get our revenge on that lowlife scum. Any questions?" Zelda waited expectantly for Navi's response. When she didn't get one, she turned from the chalk board that she had been drawing illustrations for her plan on and peered at the fairy. She let out an indignant gasp when she saw that Navi had fallen asleep. A giant red stress mark appeared on Zelda's head as she held up a shaking fist. How _dare_ that impudent little fairy nod off while she was laying out battle plans?

The princess had to remind herself not to smash the fairy into the nearest wall since she was a vital part of the plan. So instead, she stuck out a finger and jabbed the snot bubble that Navi was producing. The bubble popped and Navi woke with a snort, blinking confusedly. "Huzzah…wha?"

"Did you even hear a _word_ of what I just said?" Zelda demanded.

Navi shrugged as she rubbed her eyes sleepily. "Maybe one or two, but after that I got bored and decided to take a nap."

Zelda's face darkened considerably. "You had the _gall_ to take a nap while I-"

Navi cut the princess off. "Hey, I was tired. You would be too if you were stuck in a tiny bottle that makes it almost impossible to sleep comfortably."

Zelda pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed in exasperation. "Ugh, fine, I'll just give you a brief summary then. What I want is for you to lead me to the potion shop where you and Link bought the antidote for the love potion."

"…that's it?" Navi crossed her arms and shot Zelda a withering look. "For some reason that doesn't seem very vengeful to me."

"Well, it _sounded_ much more vengeful the _first_ time around." Zelda snapped. "You would've heard it if you hadn't fallen _asleep_."

"I don't think there's any way you could've worded that plan to make it sound even remotely vengeful." Navi said dryly.

Zelda decided to switch tactics and try a little bribery. "If you help me, I'll let you use my father's dungeons for a week." she wheedled. "And I'll make sure that no one will disturb you, so you can have your revenge on Link all you want."

"It's a deal!" Navi instantly exclaimed, already beginning to plan a torture regime in her twisted little mind.

Zelda clapped her hands together happily. "Excellent! We should probably leave now so we can get to the shop before Link."

Navi snapped out of a particularly vivid daydream of Link in an iron maiden and turned back to Zelda. "Do you have a plan for getting past Link?"

The princess smirked. "I do."

* * *

Link tapped his finger on the table in boredom. Just how long did it take for a woman to 'powder her nose' anyway? He knew it was just an expression women used to say that they had to go to the bathroom, but this was taking way too long. So long, in fact, that he'd already ordered and eaten the dessert Zelda had asked him to order. He did feel a bit guilty about it, but all that delicious sugary goodness had been practically _begging_ him to eat it. And who was he to refuse such a heartfelt plea? Well, he'd just make it up to her later by buying her some ice cream or something. Of course, then he'd have to get some too…and then it would be like a date!

Before Link could think anymore on planning a second date with his would be bride, he was interrupted by a loud 'ahem'. He looked up.

"Um, can I help you?" he asked the third waiter who had been assigned to the table. The first two had been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of food and dishes that they had been forced to haul back and forth from the table and had collapsed from exhaustion.

The unfortunate waiter eyed up the huge pile of dishes that he would have to take back to the kitchen before turning to Link. "Monsieur, a lady by zee name of Mademoiselle Zee has sent you a gift."

"A gift?"

"Yes Monsieur. A rather…unusual gift." The waiter turned to the door and clapped his hands. Link raised an eyebrow. What kind of gift would need to be clapped for?

He got his answer a moment later when a whole band of Lederhosen clad men carrying various musical instruments came trooping through the door and toward his table. The hero looked at the waiter in disbelief. (1)

"_That's_ my gift? _Yodelers_?"

"I will admit zat zee request was a bit strange, but Mademoiselle Zee assured us zat you are a, as she put it, 'diehard fan' of zee yodeling."

Link opened his mouth to object to the bizarre and rather unwanted gift, but before he could utter so much as a 'but', the accordionist struck a cord and the yodeling began.

* * *

"…I still can't believe you sicced a pack of yodelers on him." Navi muttered as she and Zelda peered around the corner at the noisy performance. "Not that I'm saying he doesn't deserve it, but how do you even come up with that? Do you have your own personal band of yodelers just waiting around every corner for you to summon them?"

Zelda gave an indignant 'hmph' before answering, "Don't be ridiculous. I just asked the waiter what the most annoying musical talent in Castle Town was and had him bring them in."

"Darn," said Navi as she snapped her fingers in disappointment. "And I was so sure that you had close ties with yodelers too…you sound just like one when you yell."

"Excuse me? I'll have you know that-" Zelda quickly stopped herself before she could continue her tirade. She needed to stay on Navi's good side until she had the antidote. Only after she had the precious cure in her hands could she have her revenge for every insult Navi was bound to throw at her up until that point. After placating herself with this consolation, she turned to Navi and replied, "Only on Tuesdays."

Then she calmly plugged her ears and walked through the dining room and out the front door, unnoticed by the hero cringing over his table in sheer agony as the yodelers continued their performance.

* * *

"YOOOO DEEEEE LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-LAY-HEE-" (2)

"Gah! I can't take it anymore!" Link screamed. It had been a full fifteen minutes since the ghastly music had begun, and Link was at his breaking point. But the musicians ignored the hero's anguished cry and kept right on playing and yodeling. Link's self control finally snapped when one of the yodelers hit a high note that broke all of the glasses on the table. Link pupils dilated, and with the gleam of madness in his eyes, he unsheathed his sword and leapt at the yodelers with a mighty 'HYAAAAA!', intent on silencing their ungodly music forever.

* * *

Zelda stood in front of Kakariko Village Potion Shop with Navi hovering beside her.

"Is this the shop?" she asked.

"No."

Zelda blinked. "Um…okay. Then where is it?"

"It's behind this shop."

"So, the potion shop…is behind the potion shop."

"Yup."

Then shouldn't we go arou-"

"No."

Zelda was beginning to get the feeling that the fairy was screwing with her. "Then how should we go about getting to the potion shop? And give me a straight answer or I'll cut down your dungeon time to three days."

"Oh fine." Navi grumbled. "There's a door in the back of this potion shop that leads to a fenced in area. You climb down the ladder to your right and then go up the stairs straight ahead. The potion shop we're looking for is right at the top."

"Now we're getting somewhere." Zelda opened the door of the shop and went inside. After a cursory look around the shop, she spotted the door that Navi had mentioned. But just to be on the safe side…

"That's the door, right?" Zelda asked, pointing at the door.

"Perceptive thing, aren't you?" Navi sneered.

Zelda chose to ignore the snide remark and went through the door. Once she had entered the fenced-in area, she followed Navi's directions and found herself standing outside an old wooden door. Zelda wrinkled her nose at the odor that was wafting from the other side. It smelled very strongly of herbs and toxins.

"Is it supposed to smell like that?" she asked as she pinched her nose closed against the smell.

"The old lady brews her own potions, so it's pretty much half brewery, half shop." Navi replied. "So yes, it probably should smell like that.

"It's gonna be worse inside, isn't it?"

"_No_…you think so?"

Zelda shot the fairy a glare and opened the door. The smell hit her full on and her eyes began to water. She attempted to wave the fumes away from her face as she closed the door behind her and made her way to the counter. The old lady behind it looked up at her and gave a toothless grin.

"Why hello there. What brings a beautiful young lady like yourself to my humble potion shop?"

Zelda decided to get straight to the point. "I'm here to buy the antidote to the love potion you sell here."

"Oh, you are? Now that's quite the coincidence. Why, just earlier today, a young man bought a bottle of the antidote himself."

"We know Granny." Navi piped up. "I was with him."

Granny looked closer at the fairy. "Ah, yes. I remember you." She turned to Zelda. "So would it be safe to assume that you know the young man?"

"Um, yes."

"She was the one he gave the antidote to." Navi added helpfully.

"Oh, so he was trying to cure the princess, eh? Who was he trying to cure your love for? A rival suitor perhaps?"

Zelda looked at the ground, her face tinged pink. "Um…him actually…"

Granny looked surprised. "Is that so? I couldn't guess the reason why he wouldn't want a pretty young thing such as yourself in love with him. Especially since you're the princess."

"Well…I think he wanted me cured because I acted a little too…um…enthusiastic."

Granny began to cackle. "Ah, now it makes sense. Enthusiastic hm? Almost violently so, am I right?"

Zelda was startled. "How did you know?"

"Dearie, I _made_ the love potion; I know how it works. My love potions don't just create love out of nowhere. The potion brings out whatever feeling of love, no matter how small or what kind, that is in a person and amplifies it to the maximum limit."

Zelda was incredulous. "Are you trying to tell me that I've had love for Link in my heart all along? That sounds so sappy it's almost sickening."

Granny just grinned her creepy, toothless grin. "Call it whatever you want, but it's true."

"Well, then that must mean that Zelda is one of the most violent lovers in the world, since she went after Link so aggressively." Navi laughed.

Zelda calmly pulled a small mallet out of her bag and smacked Navi into the counter with it. Navi's left wing twitched spastically as she drifted off into unconsciousness, and Zelda tucked the mallet back into her bag.

"Well, it all depends on the user's personality." Granny said, ignoring the fact that half of her intended audience wasn't even awake.

Zelda pressed her lips into a thin line. "So, I'm violent."

"It would appear so. "

"Wonderful. Well, it's been nice chatting about the technical aspects of the love potion, but I'm kind of in a hurry. Could I have the antidote now please?"

"Oh yes, the antidote." Granny reached under the counter and produced a thimble-sized vial. She set the vial on the counter. "That'll be five-thousand rupees please."

Zelda fished her rupee pouch out of her satchel and counted out five-thousand rupees. She set them on the counter and picked up the vial.

"It needs to be administered mouth-to-mouth, right?" she asked as she tucked the antidote into her satchel.

"That's correct."

Zelda sighed. _"Well, that should be easy enough."_ she thought grimly.

She turned to Granny and gave her a charming smile. "Thank you for your time."

Granny smiled back, but in a much less appealing way, what with her lack of teeth and all. "It was my pleasure."

Zelda turned to where Navi was still twitching on the counter and gave her a poke. "Hey, wake up, we're leaving."

Navi gave one final twitch before she popped up and looked around confusedly. "What happened?" she asked. "And why does my head hurt?"

"A potion bottle fell on you. Anyway, I got the antidote so we can leave now."

Navi didn't quite believe the princess's explanation for her head injury, but since starting an argument might cause a decrease in her dungeon time, she decided to just drop it. After all, what was a slight concussion compared to the chance to torture Link in a fully equipped dungeon?

As they passed the huge steaming vats of potion on their way out, Navi was suddenly struck with an idea.

"Hey, do you think she sells poison here?" she asked. "Not the lethal kinds, just the stuff that make your body melt a little or something like that."

Zelda gave the fairy a disturbed look. "_Why_ would you want something like that?"

"For Link."

"Oh, right. Well, I wouldn't know, I didn't ask." Zelda was actually beginning to feel sorry for Link. But she could be reassured with the knowledge that his week of torment would be for the greater good. "You can ask her about it if you want, I'm going to go ahead and find Link."

"Fine, go on ahead. I'll catch up later." said Navi as she flew back to the counter.

As Zelda walked to the door, she had to keep pushing down the feeling of horror and slight nausea that came every time she thought of what she was going to have to do to snap Link out of his delusional state. This was definitely going to be a thoroughly unpleasant experience.

**

* * *

Yes, I did put yodeling into my fanfic. Weren't expecting that, were you? Heheh. I was inspired to do it after going to Oktoberfest (a German culture festival thing) and hearing some yodeling and seeing people run around dressed in Lederhosen. Heh, Lederhosen...**

**And I meant no offense to anyone who likes yodeling (or Lederhosen), I just couldn't resist. XD**

**(1) If you don't know what Lederhosen are, then just Google image 'Lederhosen'. You'll know exactly what they are when you see them.**

**(2) I'll bet that's not how yodeling looks when you write it on paper or type it, but I really didn't have anything to go by. But I'm sure you get general the idea of how it's supposed to sound. :P**


	15. Chapter 14

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 14 of The Love Potion! I'd like to extend my thanks to all of the incredible people who took the time to review Chapter 13. Thank you:**

**Eternal Nocturne  
****Link Fangirl01  
****OneWingedHeron53  
****Ribke D'Crazy  
****AlteaAuroraRia  
****King-of-Anime-Earth  
****T. Riley  
****Kattheamazing  
****linkluvr01  
****YoshiD  
****Evilblood**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.**

**Happy reading! XD**

**

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**

"Ugh." Link held his hand to his head as his senses slowly returned to him. "What happened?" The last thing he could remember was yodeling - horrible, screeching yodeling - and then nothingness. He must've passed out from the hellish assault on his eardrums. Though he was kind of confused as to why he had woken up standing on his feet. The hero blinked a few times to clear his hazy vision and glanced around, taking in the state of the dining room. Comatose yodelers were scattered across the trashed and deserted room, each sporting sizable bumps on their heads and bruises on their bodies. Link wondered just what had gone on while he was unconscious.

Upon further inspection of the current situation, Link found that he himself was looking quite disheveled and that his hand had a death grip on his sheathed sword. Link decided that some evil being must've come in and trashed the place until he had given it a sound beating. But then, where was the corpse of the evil being, and why were the only casualties yodelers?

The pieces of the puzzle finally came together and Link came to a shocking realization. "Wait, _I_ did all of this?"

"You most certainly did!" screeched a furious sounding voice. Link turned and was greeted by the sight of a portly little man who looked so furious that Link swore he could see steam coming from his ears. He glanced down at the name tag that was attached to the man's gaudy looking suit. Mr. Graisse, huh? That sounded somewhat familiar…

"How dare you come into my restaurant and destroy everything? Now my customers will probably never come back, and it's all because you had to turn into a psychotic savage and demolish everything! I hope you have a lot of rupees on you, because you'll be—"

While the incensed owner kept ranting about being given compensation, Link folded his arms and stared at him, tilting his head from side to side every few seconds as he studied him. Where had he seen this man before? Then it clicked and Link pounded the bottom of his fist into his palm in recognition.

"Hey, I know you!" he exclaimed as he pointed a finger in Graisse's face. "You're that guy I saved from a moblin!"

Graisse stopped mid-rant, his eyes crossing at the finger not one centimeter from his nose. "I…um…what?"

"Aw come on, don't tell me you don't remember? A few weeks ago you were out in Hyrule Field and I saved you when a moblin knocked you off your horse and was about to eat you."

The stout restaurant owner looked pensive for a moment before his eyes widened and his mouth formed into an 'O'. "Oh yes, I remember you!" His eyes closed as he clasped Link's hand and smiled pleasantly. "How have you been?" After a few seconds of holding this position, his eyes popped open when he realized that he had been sidetracked, and he threw Link's hand away as if it was on fire. "Hey, hold on, don't think you can get out of paying just because you did me one favor! You'd better cough up some serious rupees to pay for all of the damages to my restaurant!"

The hero waved his hand in a placating gesture as he grinned nonchalantly. "Hey, don't worry about it. Just send the bill to Hyrule Castle and they'll pay for the damages."

Graisse looked somewhat dubious. "…they will?"

"Yup! Since I'm engaged to the princess, I'm as good as part of the royal family already. Just send the bill there and everything will be taken care of." Link held up his hand. "You have my word as a hero."

"…ah, well, I suppose I'll just send the bill to the castle then…" Graisse trailed off uncertainly.

Link gave Graisse's shoulder a couple of hearty whacks. "Great, I'm glad that that's all settled." He turned and headed toward the archway leading to the bathrooms. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my fiancé. She still hasn't come back from 'powdering her nose' yet."

"Right, right, have a good time." Graisse mumbled absently as he walked around the room, jotting down estimations of how much repairs might cost on a notepad while occasionally poking at an unconscious yodeler with the toe of his shoe.

Link made his way to the door of the women's room and gave it a few quick raps. "Zelda? Are you in there?" When no answer came, he tried again, this time knocking a bit harder. "Zelda, I think you've been in there long enough. We should really get going now." When the only response he received was silence, the hero's patience ran out and he pounded on the door with enough force to make the surrounding walls rattle. "Zelda, if you don't come out of there this instant, I'm coming in!"

After a few seconds of waiting Link scowled and kicked in the door, ignoring the cry of dismay that came from behind him. He entered the bathroom and searched every last inch of it, which included kicking off every stall's door, ripping apart soap dispensers and toilet paper and towel holders, and overturning every last piece of furniture. Link was seething by the time he had finished. Zelda had run away! And after he had trusted her to go off by herself too! That cunning woman must've used her feminine wiles to make him lower his guard. He might not know how she could've used said wiles while saying that she was going to powder her nose, but he knew she must've done it. Well, he wouldn't fall for her ruse next time! He'd make sure that she could never leave his side again, no matter how sweet of talk she tried to use on him. But before he could do that, he had to track her down and recapture—erm—bring her back.

Link charged out of the restroom and through the dining room, ignoring Graisse's whimpering over the most recently destroyed part of his restaurant. He slammed open the front door and raced out into the night. Then he came to a screeching halt. Night? It would be nearly impossible for him to find the princess if she was hiding under the cover of darkness! But he knew how to remedy that.

Link pulled out his ocarina and lifted it to his lips. But before he could begin playing, he suddenly remembered something. The king had issued an edict that made it illegal to use the Sun's Song, since changing night to day or vise-versa upset the daily or nightly life of everyone else in Hyrule. Link, however, had gained special permission to use the song if he deemed the situation important enough. Important generally meaning life or death situations or matters that would decide the fate of Hyrule. But Link decided that this situation was much more important than silly things like that, and played the sun summoning melody. The sound of a cucco crowing greeted the sudden onslaught of light, which was quickly followed by the townsfolk's outraged cries.

"Okay, who played the accursed song?"

"I was right in the middle of one of the best dreams I've ever had in my life!"

"I was finally able to get my children to fall asleep you jerk!"

"May a needle embed itself in the skin under your nail! And may a piece of paper cut the knuckle of your finger! And may five ulcers form on your gums! And may—" (1)

"I hope the guards throw you in the dungeons for the rest of your miserable life!"

"Gah! The sun! I'm melting!"

Link ignored the various complaints and curses that were hurled at him (except for that last one, he had to raise an eyebrow at that comment) and took off for the drawbridge. He knew that Zelda wouldn't go to the castle since the king was in favor of their marriage, so she must be hiding somewhere else in Hyrule. Oh, there was going to be hell to pay when he found her. She was going to seriously regret ever running away from him.

* * *

Zelda exited the potion shop and made her way down the stairs. As she descended, she pondered over the different ways she could approach giving Link the antidote. Should she be sneaky about it and make it a surprise attack, or should she outright tell him that she wanted to 'kiss' him? Both would probably work; she'd just have to go with whatever felt like it would work better at the moment.

The princess's musings were cut off abruptly when the night suddenly exploded into day and all of the resident cucco's greeted the sun in their usual manner. Zelda, blinded by the unexpected light, collided with something and fell backward onto the ground.

"Watch where you're going woman!" a voice snapped.

"Oh…sorry." Zelda said, still a bit dazed from the sudden collision and the brightness. Her eyes finally adjusted to the light and she was able to see who she had bumped into.

She had run into what appeared to be a young woman. The woman was wearing a long-sleeved purple tunic and cape, with puffy orange capris and sandals. She was also wearing a purple cap that looked a lot like Link's, but had a red gem placed in the middle of the gold designs decorating the front. But what Zelda found most unusual about the woman was how pale her skin and long hair was. Both were white and seemed to have a violet tint to them, and the one eye that was visible on the side of her face that wasn't covered by her long bangs was dark red with a strange T-shaped black mark beneath it. (2)

Zelda stood up and walked over to where the woman was sitting. "Sorry about that, the sun blinded me for a moment. Can I help you up miss?"

The woman's one visible eye grew wide with indignation as she sprang to her feet and loomed a good five inches over Zelda. "_Miss_? How _dare_ you call me miss? I'm not a woman!"

Zelda gasped and her hand flew over her mouth in dismay. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I guess my vision must still be a bit fuzzy from the sudden light…"

The now revealed man ignored the apology and just glared down at the princess. After a rather uncomfortable moment of silence, he seemed to grow less agitated and he took a step back. "Hmph. I _suppose_ I can let that one slide in view of the circumstances. But do it again and I'll make sure that you pay dearly." He crossed his arms and turned his back to her.

Zelda blinked. "Um, sure…" Now that she had been able to get better look him (courtesy of him practically bowling her over when she called him miss), she guessed that he actually did look like a man. He…just looked a tad bit more effeminate than your average male. But that would explain how flat-chested (s)he had appeared…

There was another interval of silence. After a few moments, Zelda decided to break the silence with some small talk. "So, I assume that you live here in Kakariko Village?"

The man snorted. "Me, live in one of these filthy hovels? No, I live in a palace."

"A palace? Are you royalty from another country then?"

"I'm not from another country."

Zelda was confused. "So, you're saying that you're royalty from Hyrule then? But that can't be right, I think I'd remember you if you were related to me…" The princess took a step back in surprise when the man suddenly whirled around and fixed her with an intense stare.

"You're royalty?"

Zelda didn't answer, not liking the slightly demonic look that had appeared in the man's eye.

The man took a step closer. "You wouldn't happen to be the princess, would you?"

Zelda took another step back, feeling very uneasy. Why was this man so interested in who she was all of a sudden? She should probably end this conversation now before things got out of hand. "I think that I should be going now, I have some business to attend to. Goodbye." She turned around only to stifle a squeak of surprise when she found him standing right in front of her.

"You didn't answer my question. Are you the princess?"

The princess grit her teeth. "What business is it of yours who I am? Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do."

She walked around the man and climbed the ladder that lead up to the Kakariko Potion Shop. She reached the top and gasped when she saw him standing above her. Before she could even think about retreating back down the ladder, he reached down and grabbed her arm, hauling her up until she was face-to-face with him. He studied her for a moment before reaching up and tapping her tiara. "Ah, so you are the princess. I suppose I should've known from the way you were dressed." He grinned. "This must be my lucky day."

Zelda wrenched herself out of his grasp and put a hand between the two of them. "Who are you and what do you want?" she demanded, gathering magical energy into her hand in case she needed to blast him.

The man chuckled and spread his arms while giving her a mocking bow. "Vaati the Wind Mage at your service."

So he was a mage, that could mean trouble. "What do you want?" Zelda asked again, not letting down her guard for a second.

Vaati's grin grew even wider. "Why, I think that I'd like to make you my bride."

Zelda felt something inside of her snap, and before she knew what she was doing she had sent Vaati sailing into a wall with a powerful slap to his face. She looked down at her hand in amazement. Where had that come from? She guessed that she must've developed some sort of reflex from dealing with Link (and Ganon)'s stupid talk of marriage for so long. And the fact that she had been gathering magical energy into her hand probably had something to do with how hard Vaati had smashed into the wall when she hit him. Actually, the now heavily cracked wall was probably the only thing that had kept him from flying off into the horizon.

The princess began to inch her way back towards the ladder, hoping that he might stay down long enough for her to escape. But no sooner had the thought crossed her mind than Vaati sat up.

Zelda stared at the wind mage in shock. Even Link (inhuman freak that he was) wouldn't have been able to stay conscious after a hit like that, but it had only taken Vaati a few seconds to recover from the ferocious hit _and_ collision with the wall! He must be a _monster_!

The wind mage had an impressed look on his face as he rubbed the spot that the princess had hit. He looked over at her and smirked. "My, aren't you a feisty one? I think that now I might have another reason for making you my bride other than to gain the throne."

"Not in this lifetime you monster!" Zelda spat as she jumped back onto the ladder and grabbed the sides, sliding down to the ground. Well, that was her intention anyway. But unfortunately for her, Vaati could teleport, so instead she found herself sliding down into his waiting arms.

Vaati wrapped his arms around the princess's waist and attempted to pull her toward him, but found himself unable to do so due to her death grip on the ladder. He tugged harder, but the princess didn't let go. "Let go of the ladder this instant!" he demanded.

"No!"

"Stop acting like a child and let go!"

"And what could I possibly gain from doing that? I'd rather die than let go!"

"Don't be so dramatic."

"I meant what I said!"

Vaati gave her a withering look. "You do realize that this looks absolutely ridiculous, right?"

"Looking dignified is not one of my top priorities right now." Zelda snapped. "And even if there was someone watching, they'd probably be trying to help me instead of laughing at me!"

Vaati released her waist and instead tried to pry her fingers off the sides of the ladder. All he got for his trouble was a rather nasty shock courtesy of Zelda's magic. He took a step back, rubbing his throbbing hand. "Fine, we'll just have to do this the hard way then." Vaati teleported to the top of the ladder and used his magic to sever the ladder's support ropes. It began to fall backwards and Zelda let out a shriek as she jumped out of its path.

She briefly considered trying to run back to Granny's potion shop, but then realized that she'd just be putting Granny and (not that she really mattered) Navi in danger as well. She looked around frantically until her eyes landed on another ladder across the yard. Another means of escape! Sure it looked like a pretty long climb, and she wasn't entirely sure of where it led, but as long as it got her away from Vaati she could care less. She darted toward the ladder, only to run straight into the wind mage when he materialized in front of her. He clamped his arms around her, pinning her arms to her sides. "Gotcha." he said triumphantly.

"Unhand me you filthy miscreant!" Zelda snarled as she tried to squirm out of his grip.

"After all the trouble I went through to catch you? Not a chance."

Zelda turned her head to the side and bit down on Vaati's arm, hoping that it would make him let go. His only reaction was to give her a cocky grin. "Oh, was that a love bite? I knew you'd warm up to me eventually."

The princess jerked her head away from the villain's arm, appalled by his words. A love bite? That was the last thing she wanted to give him! Well, she'd just have to give him something else to interpret incorrectly!

She stomped the heel of her shoe onto Vaati's foot as hard as she could. Even the most hardened of evil beings was vulnerable to being stomped on by a spiky heel; Zelda had learned this quite some time ago. And seeing how he was only wearing sandals and she had crushed his big toe, it looked like it had caused a substantial amount of pain.

Vaati bit his lip as he suppressed the urge to let go of the princess and hop around clutching his injured foot while howling obscenities to the sky. Instead, he just grit his teeth and shifted his weight to his uninjured foot while silently vowing revenge on the princess.

When the searing pain in his toe had finally diminished to a dull throb, the wind mage unwrapped one of his arms from Zelda and grabbed her chin, jerking her face up to look him straight in the eye. "You really aren't very ladylike, are you?"

"Like I said before, looking dignified _or_ ladylike is not one of my top priorities right now!" And to prove her point, she gave Vaati's thumb a ferocious bite.

Luckily for Vaati, bites really didn't effect him. In fact, (sick villain that he was) he rather enjoyed them. He smirked. "Fortunately, I don't really care whether you're ladylike or not. In fact, all of those prim and proper women rather bore me. You'll be much more fun."

Zelda's spat out Vaati's finger instantly. Not only was this guy a monster, he was also a freak! Everything she'd been doing had just been encouraging him! Oh, she really didn't want to get kidnapped by this semi-masochistic psycho. She had to get away from him right now.

She lifted her foot and made to stomp Vaati's toe again. Vaati, expecting another attack, quickly moved his foot out of the way. What he wasn't expecting, however, was for Zelda's attack to suddenly change direction from straight down to straight up. His visible eye bugged out as her knee made sharp contact with his family jewels. The wind mage's grip on the princess slackened as he slowly sank to his knees, clutching his wounded area. Zelda calmly stepped away from his quivering body and only gave him a brief glance before walking over to the fallen ladder and using her magic to help her lean it back to its previous position.

"Wh-what kind of princess are you?" Vaati wheezed, his voice a slightly higher pitch. "You're the dirtiest fighter I've ever met!"

Zelda looked over her shoulder and gave him a smug grin. "Well, you said that prim and proper women bore you, so I just thought that I'd humor you. I hope you enjoyed it." She was about to put her foot on the first rung of the ladder when Vaati suddenly stretched out his hand and sent an orb of dark magic hurtling towards her.

Zelda spun around and used Nayru's Love to deflect the spell into a nearby bush, which promptly turned to stone in an explosion of darkness. She gaped at the bush shaped rock before turning back to Vaati. "Are you trying to _kill_ me?" she demanded.

Vaati slowly and carefully pulled himself to his feet, obviously still feeling the aftereffects of her attack. "Being turned to stone isn't fatal. After all, killing you wouldn't be of any benefit to me. Now be a good princess and stand still while I petrify you." He fired another orb at Zelda, who once again used Nayru's Love to deflect the blast. This exchange of spells went on until the surrounding area began to resemble a stone courtyard more than a fenced yard.

"It seems that you're able to deflect my magic with that shield of yours." Vaati said. "But will it be strong enough to deflect _this_?" A giant orb of dark magic at least three times the size of the previous ones formed in front of Vaati's outstretched hands, and he began to laugh maniacally. "TO STONE WITH YOU!"

* * *

"Hmph, stingy old hag." Navi muttered as she flew out of the potion shop. "It wouldn't have killed her to drop the price on the flesh eating acid by just a few hundred rupees."

Suddenly something black and sparking with magical energy whizzed by and exploded against the fence surrounding the platform, turning what used to be wood into stone. Navi stared at the fence for a moment before she heard another explosion coming from below the platform.

"What in Din's name is going on?" she demanded as she flew over to the edge to investigate. She looked down and gasped. Some weird looking purple guy was shooting balls of dark magic at Zelda! And from the looks of it, they turned whatever they touched to stone. No! If that maniac turned Zelda to stone, then the princess wouldn't be able to hold up her end of the deal! And Link would probably go on a rampage once he found out his beloved princess had been turned into a statue. Maybe this guy had some sort of weak spot that she could use to stop him. Navi went into her targeting mode and zipped down behind the purple man and targeted him. One of the good things about this ability was that enemies never seemed to notice her while she was using it.

"Vaati the Wind Mage, a powerful sorcerer. He has no distinguishable weakness." Once her analysis was complete, the fairy zipped back to the platform.

"…no distinguishable weakness?" she muttered. "How can that be? He must be _very_ powerful to be immune to my targeting." Well, at least she had found out what his name was. And she was pretty sure that she'd seen it somewhere before too…oh yeah! She had seen it in one of the books in Hyrule Castle's royal library! But she couldn't quite remember what she'd read about him…

Navi's thought's were interrupted by the sound of very loud maniacal laughter. Oh crap, she probably should've kept her eyes on Vaati. She quickly refocused her attention on the fight, only to be met with the sight of the wind mage aiming a _huge_ orb of dark magic at Zelda. Well, this probably wasn't going to end well…

"TO STONE WITH YOU!"

* * *

**I guess that by now you've figured out that I love randomness and unexpected twists. And I'm sure you weren't expecting me to use a character from a whole different Zelda game, were you?**

**Vaati is one of my favorite characters from the Legend of Zelda series, so I just couldn't resist putting him in my story. Also, this might sound biased, but I have a preference for sexy villains (not that his official art is particularly sexy, but I've seen fanart, and he's downright good looking there) as opposed to ugly ones, so that's one of the reasons I'm not reusing Ganon. Plus, I already killed him off, so it would've been more work to bring him back to use him anyway. :P**

**Gah, why doesn't this site let me use exclamation points and question marks together? Now the dialogue looks flat and boring! :(**

**(1) One Piece reference! I took those exact curses (or whatever they are) from Usopp Spell, so I guess another disclaimer is in order. I don't own One Piece. But seriously, I couldn't resist using it, it's too funny! Look it up on YouTube and tell me I'm wrong. XD**

**(2) I decided that I could use some practice with describing how characters look, so here's my first real crack at it. Anyone who guessed who the character was before they read the name gets a bar of Hershey's chocolate. =)**


	16. Chapter 15

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 15 of The Love Potion! Oh wow, this story has over 100 reviews now! And it's all thanks to all of the fantastic people who reviewed chapter 14! You guys are almost too amazingly awesome for words! Thank you:**

**Link Fangirl01  
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**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.**

**Now, carry on with your reading! =D**

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* * *

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"TO STONE WITH YOU!" Vaati's spell exploded from his hands in a blast of darkness powerful enough to plunge the surrounding area into shadow.

Zelda quickly erected Nayru's Love. But instead of bouncing off the barrier like before, the spell collided with hers and actually began to fracture it. Beams of dark and light magic flashed as the two powers struggled against each other.

Beads of sweat began to run down Zelda's face as she gritted her teeth and fought to maintain her spell. She wasn't sure how much longer she could hold out; cracks were already beginning to form in the blue crystal. Vaati's spell was just so powerful, and if that overconfident maniacal grin was anything to go by, he didn't look the least bit exhausted.

The princess came to the realization that she wasn't going to be able to repel the spell. Well, if she was going to be turned to stone, she wasn't going to be caught in some foolish looking position. She folded her hands and closed her eyes as her spell shattered and Vaati's dark orb struck her. She was instantly turned to stone in an explosion of darkness.

* * *

Navi removed the tiny sunglasses that she had donned when the spells had started flashing like crazy. Wow, that had been one spectacular light show. If it weren't for the fact that he had just robbed her of her hard earned dungeon time, she'd probably be shaking Vaati's hand and thanking him. But since he had unknowingly screwed the fairy over, she was going to make sure that he suffered. But seeing how powerful he was, she figured that she'd probably need to get Link to help her in that particular endeavor. Geez, why did it always seem like she had to team up with the people she wanted to torment?

The fairy watched as the wind mage lowered his hands and walked over to the stone princess. He looked her up and down and smirked. "And I thought you said you didn't care about looking dignified." he mocked the statue. "You must have finally realized the futility of trying to fight me and accepted your fate with grace and dignity. A wise decision."

Navi raised a minuscule eyebrow. Was this guy actually talking to a statue? Perhaps he was a bit touched in the head. Well, maybe she could learn something by eavesdropping on his one-sided conversation with the inanimate princess. She pulled out a notepad and pen and waited to see if the wind mage would continue to soliloquize.

Vaati circled the petrified princess. "Once we arrive at my palace, we shall be wed. And then I'll eliminate your father and gain control over all of Hyrule!"

"_Wow, this guy should've been named Mr. Exposition._" Navi thought as she scribbled down the wind mage's sinister plan. As her pen scratched the paper, Navi idly wondered if he was planning to do away with Zelda once he became king.

The wind mage reached out and caressed the princess's stone cheek. "And you shall be by my side as my queen." Okay, so apparently he _wasn't_ planning on killing her. Darn, that would've been the one good thing to come out this situation. But seriously, what was with this guy, being all touchy feely with a rock? He obviously had some issues that he needed to sort out.

"Now, off to my Palace of Winds!" Vaati declared, and he and the stone princess vanished into thin air.

"Palace of Winds, huh?" Navi jotted down this last tidbit of information and then went over her notes. "Okay, so his name is Vaati, he's a wind mage and a very powerful sorcerer, he lives in a place called the Palace of Winds, he wants to marry Zelda and murder the king in order to take over Hyrule, and he seems to have a thing for turning stuff to stone." She paused for second before writing one last thing. "And apparently he can teleport."

The fairy tucked away the notepad and pen. She figured that the first thing she should do was find Link and tell him what had happened. Then they would go to the royal library and do a bit of research on this Vaati guy before actually going after him, since she hadn't been able to find his weak point and she had absolutely no idea where this Palace of Winds place was.

Navi closed her eyes and focused on locating Link. After a few seconds of searching, she made a series of dinging noises and honed in on his location. (1) Aha! So he was in the Haunted Wasteland! Wait, what was he doing _there_ of all places? Then she shrugged her small shoulders as she decided that it really didn't matter, and set off to find Link and tell him of what had transpired.

* * *

Link trudged through the swirling sands of the Haunted Wasteland, grumbling about how Zelda really needed to stop running from her fate. He figured that she was probably hiding in the most remote location in Hyrule, and the Desert Colossus was most definitely remote. So, here he was, fighting his way through a blinding sandstorm in order to retrieve his astray fiancée. He had thought about asking the Gerudos if they had seen the princess pass through their fortress, but had ultimately decided against it. Every time he stopped to talk with one of them they would start flirting with him, and that would've wasted too much precious time. Plus, what if someone saw him and told Zelda? She might assume he was cheating on her, and then she'd actually have a valid reason to not marry him.

Apparently Link didn't consider her flat out not wanting to marry him a valid enough reason.

"…_link_…"

The hero stopped. Was that a voice he had just heard?

"…_Link_…!"

It _was_ a voice! But who in their right mind would come out here? Well, except for himself of course, but he was a special case. He lifted a hand above his eyes to at least partially shield them from the stinging sand and peered through the sandstorm, looking for the source of the voice.

"…Link!"

Link glanced behind him and saw a small light coming towards him.

"Link!"

As the light drew closer, Link was finally able to recognize it for what it was. "Oh, it's just you Navi."

Navi landed on Link's shoulder and clung to his tunic so she wouldn't be blown away into the sandstorm. "Link, I have to tell you something!" she yelled into his ear.

"Can't it wait?" Link called back. "I'm kind of busy right now."

"Doing what?"

"I'm looking for Zelda. She ran off after she bought your bottle and…wait a minute, shouldn't you be with her right now?"

"That's just it! Zelda's gotten herself kidnapped again!"

"She _what_?" Link exclaimed in disbelief. "When did this happen?"

"I'll tell you once we get out of this storm, it'll be easier to talk without having to yell over the wind."

Link was about to argue that he needed to know _right_ _now_, but then realized that Navi had a valid point. He nodded and turned back the way he came. He was closer to the Gerudo Fortress, so going back would be the quickest way to get out of the wasteland.

* * *

"Okay, so tell me what happened!" Link demanded. He and Navi had departed from the Haunted Wasteland and were currently making their way through the Gerudo Fortress.

"Well, Zelda and I were in Kakariko Village, and we separated for a bit so I could…um…do some shopping. When I came back out of the shop, Zelda was being attacked by a sorcerer named Vaati. After they fought for a little while, he turned her to stone and kidnapped her."

The hero's eyes flashed as his hands clenched into fists. "He turned her to _stone_?"

"Yes. But I don't think it's permanent, since he said something about marrying her in order to—"

"MARRYING HER?" Link's whole body erupted into searing flames as he bared his teeth in a feral snarl.

Navi put a bit more distance between the blazing hero and herself before continuing. "As I was saying, Vaati plans to marry Zelda and kill the king in order to become the new ruler of Hyrule."

"I couldn't care less about what he does to the king!" Link spat. "But trying to marry _my_ bride-to-be is absolutely unforgivable! Where is he, I'll rip his freakin' head off!" The flames flickering around the hero blazed up and intensified with each word that flew from his mouth.

"He said something about going to a place called the Palace of Winds. But I'm not sure where that is, so we'll have to do some research at the royal library before we—erk!" Navi was cut off when Link's hand shot out and grabbed her. He brought her not one centimeter from his nose and his flaming eyes bored into her.

"Then what are we doing just standing around?" he demanded. "Let's get that information so I can go kick Vaati's ass!" Link took off for Hyrule Castle, leaving a trail of crackling flames in his wake.

* * *

Zelda's eyes slowly opened, and she found herself standing in a lavishly furnished bedroom with a stone floor and windowless stone walls.

The princess blinked. How had she gotten here? The last thing she could remember was Vaati's spell breaking through her barrier…but then what? Had she actually been turned to stone? She did feel a bit stiff, but other than that she felt perfectly fine.

Then again, being turned to stone would explain why she was in a strange place with no memory of how she had gotten there. But if that's what had happened, then where was Vaati?

She glanced around suspiciously. There was no sign of him, but she was pretty sure that he must be nearby. How else could she've been turned back to normal? Unless…maybe something had happened while she was a statue? Perhaps Link or some other hero had defeated him and broken the spell? It was a possibility.

She walked over to the door and tried the handle. She was only slightly surprised to find it unlocked. However, she didn't open the door. If Vaati was actually still around, he might've set this up so that she'd make her way into a room that was either set up for a wedding or had him playing an organ or some other such clichéd villainous nonsense. Well, she wasn't falling for it.

She'd just blast her way through the opposite wall.

The princess walked to the other side of the room and placed her hand on the stone wall. She prepared to access her magic, but found herself unable to summon even a small spark of magical energy. She grimaced. It was fairly obvious that Vaati had sealed off her magic while she was incapacitated. Curse him, he must've expected that she'd try to use her magic to escape. And this just proved that Vaati hadn't been defeated; she would've regained her ability to use her magic if he was dead or sealed away.

Well, she wasn't just going to just stand around and wait for him to come get her. While she wasn't keen on the idea of walking into a trap, she knew that her only option was to see what was on the other side of that door. But before that, she had to find herself a weapon. It just wouldn't do to have a fragile, defenseless maiden such as herself walking into some terrible trap with absolutely no way of protecting herself.

Zelda walked over to the canopy bed took hold of one of the bedposts. Then she snapped it off, ignoring the way the top of the canopy sagged in the absence of the post's support. She gave her new weapon a few test swings before nodding in satisfaction. Mahogany was a very sturdy material. It would do.

Once she had her makeshift club ready, she went over to the door and slowly cracked it open. She peered out and found the next room to actually be a hallway. She slipped out and eased the door shut behind her. Then she silently made her way down the hall, keeping her eyes peeled for anything even remotely suspicious or dangerous looking.

The only abnormal thing that she noticed as she sneaked down the hall was that all of the doors she came across had thick metal bars blocking them. Obviously Vaati didn't want her wandering into any of those rooms. She kept going until she came across a door that wasn't barricaded.

So, this must be where Vaati was. The princess pressed an ear to the door and listened. She heard the sound of organ music playing from the other side and rolled her eyes. How predictable. After listening a bit more to make sure that the music wasn't the Wedding March, she stepped back and took a deep breath. Then she grabbed the handle and flung the door open, causing it to slam into the wall as she charged inside, brandishing her bedpost. "Prepare to die monster!" she snarled as she rushed toward the form hunched over the organ.

She came to an abrupt halt when the organ music suddenly cut off and was replaced by a shrill shriek. "Eek! Please don't kill me Lord Vaati! I know you said you didn't want anyone unbarring any of the doors in this hall, but I ended up losing a bet I made with some of the other monsters and the loser had to come here and play the organ, so—"

Zelda recognized the babbling being seated at the organ as a small moblin, and stared at it. Had moblins always been this…wimpy? Well, whatever the case, it seemed to think that she was Vaati, so she should probably leave before the moblin turned around and found that she wasn't, in fact, Vaati. After a quick glance around the room to make sure that she wouldn't be missing out on any escape opportunities, the princess retreated back out of the room and closed the door behind her. Then she went back to quietly creeping down the hall as if nothing had happened.

She finally reached the end of the hallway, where she found a pair of double doors that didn't have any bars barricading them. Okay, _this_ must be where Vaati was. Probably. Zelda went to the doors and listened for any noise that might tell her what was on the other side. When the only thing she heard was silence, she took hold of one of the door rings and slowly opened the door just enough for her to peek inside.

From the looks of it, the room was some sort of throne room. A clichéd, evil throne room that was lit with torches and decorated with dark colors; most of which were purple. And standing on the other side of the room with his back to the door was Vaati himself. This time Zelda was sure of it.

She slipped through the door and snuck up behind Vaati. Once she was directly behind him, she wound her bedpost behind her and then swung it as hard as she could, nailing him in the side of his head. The wind mage went smashing through the wall, leaving a Vaati shaped hole where he had crashed through. Zelda held her weapon in front of her and waited to see how he would react.

"I demand to know who did that!" Vaati demanded furiously as he popped up on the other side of the hole that was shaped in his likeness, a throbbing bump protruding from the side of his head. He caught sight of the princess and a look of surprise flashed across his face. "Wait, _you_ did that? But how—? You shouldn't even be here! How did you get out of your room?"

"How did I—? Wait, didn't you leave the door unlocked so I would come here?"

"The door was unlocked?" Vaati exclaimed, looking genuinely shocked.

Now Zelda was confused as well. "Wait…you mean you didn't plan for me to come here? Then why were all of the doors in the hallway barred?"

"Oh that?" Vaati stepped through the hole and made his way toward the princess. "That's just a precaution in case of intruders. I've had enough of so-called 'heroes' invading my palace and destroying my pottery and grunt minions. And none of that is ever even _necessary_ to ruin my plans." He crossed his arms irritably. "Bunch of lowlife vandals." he grumbled.

The princess blinked. "Wait, you've had heroes coming in here and defeating you before? If you're big enough of a threat to have heroes coming here to vanquish you, then why haven't I heard of you before?"

"Well…it's been a while since those things happened."

Zelda didn't know why, but the way he said that made her feel suspicious. "…how long ago is 'a while'?" she asked cautiously.

"Mm, I lost count after the first few hundred years. It's rather hard to keep track of time when you're trapped in a sword."

Zelda's bedpost clattered to the floor. "_Hundreds_ of _years_?" she gasped in disbelief. "You're _old_!"

The wind mage scowled. "Personally, I don't think it counts if I was trapped in a sword the entire time."

Zelda didn't acknowledge Vaati's defensive response as she paced back and forth. "And you're saying that you want to _marry_ me?" she continued. "That's just…_wrong_. So very very _wrong_."

Vaati's scowl intensified. "Were you listening? I said it doesn't count if—"

The princess whirled around and pointed an accusing finger at him. "You're worse than a freak or a monster! You're a dirty old man!"

The corner of Vaati's mouth began to twitch along with his visible eyebrow. "D-dirty old man?" he repeated, his voice shaking with suppressed emotion. Then the twitching evolved into an expression of pure rage. "Dirty old man?" he shouted. "I'll have you know that I was only seventy when I was first imprisoned in that cursed sword! And even after that I was only out wreaking havoc for about a week before I got stuck back in there again! How can you call that old?" (2)

Zelda was astounded. "You actually have to _ask_? You're old enough to be my _grandfather_!"

Vaati was about to deny this rather ridiculous accusation when he suddenly remembered that hylians aged faster than his original race did. He had forgotten about that. His lips pressed into a thin line as he folded his arms and glared at Zelda. "Fine, call me a dirty old man if you wish. But it doesn't change anything."

"Oh, yes it does! I wouldn't be caught dead married to someone as old as _you_."

"As I said before, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter to me whether _you_ want to get married or not."

The princess placed her hands on her hips and shot him a venomous look. "Well, we seem to be of the same opinion then, since I couldn't care less about whether or not _you_ want to get married either."

Vaati smirked. "Ah, but you seem to keep forgetting that I'm the one who's in control of this situation."

"You think so?" Zelda nodded her head toward the Vaati shaped hole in the wall. "I think that hole says differently."

The wind mage's smirk vanished and he growled. "That was a lucky shot."

The princess grabbed her makeshift club from the ground and slung it over her shoulder. "Want me to test my luck again?" she asked, tapping the bedpost against her shoulder threateningly as she spoke.

Vaati suddenly took notice of the bedpost and his uncovered eye widened. Zelda smirked. Good, he was intimidated.

"Is…is that a bedpost from the room you were in?" he sputtered.

"Sure is."

"You ripped it off the bed with your bare hands?" Ah, could she detect a trace of alarm in his voice?

"Mm-hm." Ha, he was getting scared. Maybe he'd run away screaming like the girly-man he was.

"You…you…" Gusts of wind suddenly picked up around the wind mage as he snarled, "You _home-wrecker_!" He swatted the bedpost out of the startled princess's hands, sending it clattering across the floor. Then he seized her shoulders and started shaking her. "I was generous enough to put you in a decent room instead of the dungeon, and you have the nerve to break my furniture?" The shaking intensified. "What is the matter with you? You're as bad as that bastard Link!"

Zelda grabbed onto his arms to stop the shaking. She took a second to steady herself enough to see straight before speaking. "Link?" she questioned. "Did you say Link?"

He continued to glare at her. "What of it?"

"You've met Link before?"

"Of course I have! What, did you read about him and his cronies in one of those history books of yours?"

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Link doesn't have any cronies that I know of." Unless she counted Navi, but that would be giving the stupid creature too much credit. "And I definitely don't need a history book to know who he is."

Vaati scoffed. "You say that as if you know him or something." Then his crimson eye widened. "Wait, are you saying that he's _here_ too?" he questioned, just a hint of panic seeping into his voice.

"Um…no, he's not here." She gave him a confused look. "Are you sure we're referring to the same person?"

Vaati seemed to calm down a bit. "Hm, we might not be. But, just in case…tell me what he looks like."

"Pardon?"

The wind mage's grip on her shoulders tightened. "Tell me what he looks like!" he repeated harshly.

"And why would I do that?" Zelda demanded as she reached up and tried to pry his digging fingers off of her shoulders.

"Do you want to know if we're talking about the same person or not?" Vaati snapped impatiently.

Zelda could tell that the wind mage wasn't going to leave her alone until she told him what he wanted to know. But he was a fool if he thought that she'd just tell him everything she knew at once. She wasn't going to make it that easy. "Let go of me and I'll tell you what he looks like." Vaati instantly released her. The princess gingerly brushed off her shoulders before beginning her description. "He has blonde hair…"

"Yes?"

"…and blue eyes…"

"Go on."

"…and pointed ears…"

The little bit of patience Vaati had ran out. "That could be anybody! Be more specific!"

The princess blinked innocently. "More specific? Whatever do you mean?"

By now a pulsing vein had appeared on Vaati's forehead. "There are _thousands_ of people with blonde hair, blue eyes, and pointed ears! I need a more detailed description!"

"More detailed?" Zelda tilted her head to the side. "How so?"

"How—? Listen here woman, I don't plan to stand here all day trying to pry information out of you! Now tell me what sort of clothes he wears!"

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with any—"

"Tell me _now_!"

"Alright, alright! Goddesses, you don't have to yell. He almost always wears a green tunic and a floppy green hat. And tights, he wears white tights."

Vaati made a strangled noise and began to look ill. Zelda noticed the greenish hue his face his face had taken on. "I know that men wearing tights isn't one of the most appealing thoughts in the world, but I think you might be overreacting."

"It's _him_…" The wind mage said, his voice strained. "He's _here_."

Zelda wasn't sure if Vaati being this disturbed was a good thing or a bad thing. "What are you talking about?" she asked. "Who's here?"

Her question seemed to snap Vaati out of his disturbed train of thought, and his face swiftly regained its usual pasty tone (which normally wouldn't be a good thing). "It's nothing." He turned away with a sweep of his cape. "Now return to your room, I have much to think about."

"And just what makes you think that you have the right to order me around?" Zelda demanded as she crossed her arms and glowered at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

Vaati didn't acknowledge her defiant statement. Instead, he reached into the folds of his cape and pulled something out. "Hm, I didn't think that I'd have to resort to using this so soon, but you leave me no choice." He turned back around to face Zelda, holding a bottle of red liquid in his hand. "I obtained this love potion while traveling through Hyrule, and with it—"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" Zelda shrieked as she lunged forward, wrenched the potion from Vaati's hands, and sent it flying into the nearest wall. The bottle shattered and the red liquid ran down the wall to form a puddle on the floor. But the princess didn't stop there. She ripped the decorative apron off of her dress and raced over to where the hated elixir had pooled. She used the apron to sop it up, and once every last drop had been absorbed, she wadded the ruined cloth into a ball and hurled it into a lit torch, which burst into an inferno of flames that almost reached the tall cathedral style ceiling.

After she had finished utterly destroying the potion, the princess took a moment to catch her breath while the roaring flames gradually receded back to their usual gentle flickering. Once her breathing had evened out, she spun around and fixed the wind mage with a glare that would've made a normal man curl up into the fetal position and whimper for his mommy. "_Never_," she snarled. "try to use a love potion on me _again_."

Vaati watched the seething princess for a moment before glancing over at the shattered remains of the bottle. "You really do enjoy destroying things, don't you." he deadpanned.

The princess followed his gaze to where the shards of glass lay glittering in the torchlight. "Only if they're vile, hideous, _evil_ things." she said. Then she shifted her gaze back to Vaati and her eyes narrowed. "Which means that you're next."

The wind mage suddenly phased out and appeared right in front of her. "I don't think so." he said, before grabbing her by the waist and tossing her over his shoulder. She exhaled sharply as her abdomen collided with his rather bony shoulder, the wind knocked out of her. "But I must say," he continued. "Your destructive personality is quite appealing."

Zelda was too busy trying to regain her breath to respond. It wasn't until after Vaati had made his way out the door and begun walking down the hallway that she fully recovered. She promptly began beating her fists against his back and loudly demanding that he let her go. The wind mage ignored her and continued walking until he reached the door of the bedroom that the princess had previously been in.

He muttered a spell under his breath and the door swung open. He walked over to the canopy bed (noting with some annoyance that it only had three posts and a stub) and unceremoniously dumped the princess on top of it. Zelda instantly sprang up and tried to attack him, but he had already teleported to the door.

"Now be a good princess and _stay put_ until I return." he said, before slamming the door shut and locking it. Zelda ran to the door and rattled the handle furiously, even though she knew it was futile.

She had just begun to consider the idea using a hair pin to pick the lock when she heard the grating sound of metal bars lowering on the other side of the door. She thumped her fist against the door in frustration. Her chances of escaping were looking pretty bad right now.

* * *

**Perhaps some of you noticed that I used a few curse words in this chapter. I apologize if anyone was offended, but there are just some curse words that are just too perfect for a situation and don't have any good synonyms to use in their place. Plus, I upped the rating to T, so I can now freely do this. Bwahaha! XD**

**(1) In my story, Navi has the ability to track Link. Why? Because I'm much too lazy to write about her trying to find out where Link is. Laziness for the win! *flees from the mob of people who disagree***

**(2) Yeah, I'm making a lot of assumptions about how long the average picori's lifespan is and how fast they age, but I'm gonna pretend that they age a lot slower for the sake of the lulz. So in Vaati's mind, he was only around…let's say twenty in picori years when he went all evil and stuff. So in my story, they age three and a half times slower than hylians. So **_**he**_** doesn't think he's old, but Zelda doesn't know that he was originally a picori, or even what a picori is, given that they aren't in Ocarina of Time.**


	17. Chapter 16

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 16 of The Love Potion! I'd like to thank all of the fantastic people who reviewed the last chapter! Thank you,**

**Eternal Nocturne  
****Fuzzylogic11  
****SectumsempraSammy  
****Evilblood  
****Link Fangirl01  
****linkluvr01  
****Tanoshiix3**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of its characters.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hn, making Zelda my bride is proving to be quite the challenge." Vaati mused as he strode down the hall. "She's more willful than I'd expected." He moved his hand to gingerly touch the lump hidden under his cap. "And much more violent." And while he did find Zelda's violent nature to be quite attractive, it did prove to be quite bothersome at times. The lump she'd given him was certainly a testament to that. But he supposed that as long as he could ultimately subdue her acts of rebellion, it wouldn't become _too_ troublesome.

He stopped in front of one of the barred doors and raised his hand, releasing a small surge of magic. The bars lifted and he entered the room.

The wind mage began combing through the shelves of his personal library. Even though he _could_ just go and steal another love potion, he imagined that it would be difficult to get the princess to drink it, given the rather violent reaction he had witnessed when she had learned of it. And lacing her food or drink most likely wouldn't work either, since mixing a potion with other ingredients could result in an unwanted reaction. Besides, she struck him as the type who would rather starve and wither away than run the chance of consuming a love potion. Damned willfulness…

Yes, it would be much simpler to cast a temporary love spell that would last just long enough for her to consent to their marriage. After all, what fun would it be to use a permanent love spell and have a totally submissive and loving wife? No, he wanted to break her in himself. He always had loved a good challenge.

He chuckled sinisterly as he located the book he'd been seeking and pulled it off the shelf. The 'Ye Olde Fools Bible of Love Brews' spell book would serve his purposes sufficiently. (1)

He cracked the book open and began thumbing through the pages. After a moment of skimming, he found what he was looking for and placed a finger on the page. "Ah, here's a temporary love spell." He read through the instructions before raising a thin eyebrow. It needed a magic circle to work? That sort of spell casting was rather outdated, even for him. But then again, he probably could've deduced that the spell would be old just from the title of the book.

Ah, well, he might as well give it a try and see if it worked. After all, this was the only spell book he owned that contained love spells.

* * *

Vaati made the final marking on the floor and stood up, dusting the chalk dust from his hands. Now that he had finished setting up the scented candles (which, oddly enough, were required to smell like tuna) and drawing the magic circle on the floor with all of the correct runes and symbols, the wind mage was ready to recite the spell. He picked up the spell book from where he had set it on a nearby table and positioned himself in the center of the circle.

"Santo-Rita-Meata-Mater-Ringo-Jonah-Tito-Marlin-Jack-Latoya-Janet-Michael-Dumbledora-The-Explora!" he chanted, and the circle began to glow red. (2) Vaati repeated the spell again, this time faster.

"Santo-Rita-Meata-Mater-Ringo-Jonah-Tito-Marlin-Jack-Latoya-Janet-Michael-Dumbledora-The-Explora!"

The glowing red circle began to pulse and spin around the maniacally laughing wind mage. "Yes! It's working!" he cackled triumphantly.

Then the circle exploded.

The room was filled with pink smoke and the smell of burnt tuna. Vaati sat up from where he had been blown during the explosion and wheezed out a generous amount of smoke. Then he reached back and used his fingers to snuff out the small flame that was flickering on the tip of his cap.

After checking to make sure that no other parts of him were aflame, he stood up and summoned a small tornado to dispel the smoke. Once the air was clear, he glanced around the room and frowned. Everything (including himself) had a layer of pinkish charcoal on it, and the ground where the magic circle had been had deep scorch marks in place of the chalk marks.

Obviously something had gone wrong.

A charred leaf of paper floated down from the ceiling and landed on his face. He snatched it off and read the words aloud. "Warning, spell will self-destruct if the tuna scented candles are tuna in water scented instead of tuna in oil scented." Vaati stared at the paper for a second before crushing it in his hand. "What the hell?" he growled as he summoned a small burst of flame to disintegrate the wad of paper in his fist. "Why should it matter what kind of tuna candle it is?"

Still growling, the wind mage spun around on his heel and strode toward the door. "Well, it appears that I'll have to resort to using my backup plan after all. But first…" He glanced down at his charred clothing and skin and grimaced. "I think I'll go clean up. Pink does _not_ flatter my complexion."

* * *

"…Link, I think he's dying…" Navi commented as she watched Link strangle the guard at Hyrule Castle's gate.

"Good! Then he won't be able to hold me up with his stupid questions anymore!" Link snarled, not letting up on his assault on the guard's neck.

"I think it's pretty standard procedure for the guards to ask what business you have at the castle." Navi pointed out.

"Why should it matter what my business is?" Link demanded. "I'm the Hero of Hyrule for Din's sake! He shouldn't even be _allowed_ to question my intentions!" He gave the guard's neck an extra hard wring to prove his point.

The fairy gave an exasperated sigh. "It's his _job_."

"But—"

"Link! Stop acting like some lowlife punk and get your act together!" Navi scolded. "You're a _hero_, and heroes don't go around choking the local law enforcement!"

Said hero instantly dropped the blue-faced guard to the ground, a shocked expression on his face. "You're right! How could I forget my identity as the savior of the kingdom?" He turned to the wheezing guard on the ground, an apologetic look on his face. "I'm very sorry about that, I don't know what came over me. I just want into the Royal Library so I can find some information about a bastard named Vaati."

The guard looked up at him fearfully, the memory of Link's fingers brutally crushing his windpipe still fresh in his mind. "Th-that's fine. J-j-just go." he stuttered, scooting as far away from the hero as he could.

"Really? Thanks!" Link began to whistle cheerfully as he walked past the quivering guard and through the gate.

Navi followed behind him, shaking her head at the hero's most recent display of a love potion induced mood swing. Really, that potion should be banned on the grounds of making the user a danger to society. That poor guard was probably gonna need some kind of therapy now.

The fairy decided then and there that she was going to make it her top priority to help Zelda cure Link before asking for her dungeon time. Not only would she be doing all of Hyrule a favor, she'd also get more satisfaction out of torturing Link while he was in a more sound state of mind.

* * *

"Gah!" Link slammed the book he had been reading shut and tossed it onto the already huge pile of books that Navi and he had deemed 'useless'. "How much longer until we find the book that tells us where Vaati is? I wanna kick his ass _now_!" Then he held up a finger and pouted. "Plus, I got a paper cut." he whined.

Navi barely glanced at the mildly lacerated finger. "Don't be a pansy. Just drink some red potion or something." she advised disinterestedly as she continued to pour over the pages of the book lying in front of her.

"Fine." Link grumbled, disappointed that he hadn't gotten more sympathy from his fairy companion. Paper cuts really hurt, dang it! But he followed Navi's advice anyway and grabbed a red potion from his pouch. After taking a small sip, his paper cut instantly closed up and stopped stinging. Minor booboo now healed, he rested his chin in his hand and began to drum his fingers on the table in boredom.

Navi looked up from her reading and scowled at him. "You do realize that this would go a lot faster if you actually picked up a book and read it, right?"

"But we've been doing that for hours! I need results now!"

"Well, nobody ever said we'd get instant results." Navi pointed out unsympathetically before turning back to her book and flipping the page.

Link sat there for another moment, tapping out random rhythms on the table as he tried to figure out something else he could do to further his cause. Then his eyes widened and he sat up straight in his chair "I've got it!" he announced.

"Good for you." Navi muttered, not bothering to look at him as he got up from his chair and walked off into a different section of the library.

* * *

Three volumes and twenty-seven minutes later, Navi finally managed to find a book that mentioned Vaati. She looked up to inform Link of her successful discovery, only to find that he still hadn't returned. She rolled her eyes as she stuck a bookmark in her page. Really, it wouldn't have killed him to just be patient for a while. Now she would have to go look for him. Tch, what a pain.

After a bit a flying up and down several different sections of the library, she found the hero in the adult fiction section, which made her raise an eyebrow in bewilderment. What could possibly make him think that he'd find something useful here? She flew up behind him and peered over his shoulder at the book he was reading.

"What's that?" she asked.

Link gave a yelp and quickly slammed the book shut. "Nothing!"

Navi flew around the hero and peered at the title of the book. Then she gave him an incredulous look. "'A Swordsman's Desire'? Link! This is no time for you to be reading your smutty romance novels! We have research to do!"

"But I _am_ doing research!" Link defended, clutching the book to his chest protectively.

"How?" Navi demanded.

"I'm trying to pick up tips on how to woo women, since everything I've tried on Zelda so far hasn't worked. After all, I need to at least have an idea of what to do after I've rescued her, since that's a very crucial period when wooing a damsel." He flipped the book back open and pointed to a page. "Apparently breaking into their rooms at night and ripping their bodices seems to do the trick…" (3)

Navi slapped a hand to her forehead, amazed at the sheer stupidity of the idiot that stood before her. "That's only in fiction! If you really did that, you'd get arrested!"

Link opened his mouth to retort, but the fairy cut him off. "And no, being a hero doesn't give you some kind of special right to do that."

He shut his mouth. After a few seconds, he finally said, "Are you sure? How do you know that Zelda wouldn't—"

"Trust me. I _know_." Navi said dryly.

Link scowled as he re-shelved the book. "Darn it. And it looked like it would've worked too." he grumbled.

"It wouldn't have." the fairy assured him. Then she gave him a sideways glance. "By the way," she began, her voice taking on a nonchalant tone. "Do you remember that guy we were trying to find?"

"You mean the bride snatcher? Oh yeah, he's as good as dead."

"Well, while _you_ were failing to do anything of worth over here, _I_ managed to find the book we were looking for."

Link's face broke out into an excited grin. "You did? Awesome! Just tell me where the scum is and I'll pulverize him!"

"I said that I _found_ the book, not that I read it. Now come on, we have some reading to do." She started to head back to the table, but then spun around and flew up to Link's face, pointing a small finger at him warningly. "And no rushing off before we have all the information, the last thing I need is for you to get killed from a lack of knowledge." After all, she wouldn't be able to torture him with all of those cool gadgets in Hyrule Castle's dungeon if he was dead. Well…she supposed she _could_, but then he wouldn't feel anything, and that would be no fun. Plus, he might start decomposing and stinking up the place…

Link held up his hands in surrender. "Fine, I promise that I won't go rushing off. But let's make this snappy, I have a princess to rescue. And then woo…and then marry…and then have thirty babies with…and then—" Link continued to ramble on about his plans for his future with Zelda as Navi led him back to the table.

Once they reached the table, the fairy decided that it really wasn't necessary for Link to tell her that he was going to name his thirteenth child Zelgadis. (4) In fact, she didn't think it was necessary for her to know what _any_ of his future children's names were going to be. Also, it was just plain _weird_ how all of the names seemed to start with a 'Zel' sound.

"Okay, okay," she snapped, interrupting the hero's vocalized daydream. "You've proven the obvious fact that you're an obsessed lunatic. Now shut up while I read this book to you; it'll take less time that way." And as a precaution, she was going to make sure that she didn't tell him the location of Vaati's palace until _after_ she'd finished reading everything else, just in case the love potion put the hero in a promise-breaking mood.

Link frowned. "You don't have to be so nasty about it."

Navi didn't respond as she removed the bookmark from the page and began reading. "Okay, so it says here that Vaati first appeared hundreds of years ago at something called 'The Picori Festival'. He did various diabolical deeds, including turning the Princess Zelda of that era and the entire royal castle's inhabitants to stone, unleashing various evil beings upon Hyrule, and generally being an evil guy. He was defeated when a young hero clad in green and wearing a talking green cap appeared and sealed him into a sword." Navi glanced up at Link, who had pulled out a whetstone and started sharpening his sword while she had been talking. "You get all that?"

Link paused in his sharpening. "Yeah yeah, Vaati's an evil old fart who seems to have a thing for turning stuff to stone." he summarized impatiently before returning to running the whetstone over his blade in preparation of lopping said evil old fart's head off. "Now hurry up and find out where he is!"

Navi ignored the hero's demand. "Well, at least you got the general gist. Anyway, after he had been sealed for a few hundred years, he managed to escape from the sword and kidnapped the Princess Zelda of _that_ era with the intent of marrying her. But he was sealed back into the sword by a hero clad in green who had drawn the sword and split into four beings. Then Vaati went on to escape from the sword yet again and wreaked havoc in Hyrule, but was defeated once more by a hero in green who used the sword to split into four beings like the previous hero had." Navi paused in her reading and looked up at Link, who was re-strapping his newly sharpened sword to his back. "From the looks of it, Vaati's weak point seems to either be this sword that the book keeps mentioning, or a hero in green."

Link grinned confidently as he punched his fist into his hand. "Well, I guess we won't be having any problems then. I'm a hero in green, so if I'm his weakness then kicking his ass will be that much easier." He gave his hand another punch for emphasis.

"But what if it's the sword?"

"Hey, if the Master Sword can't slay him, then I don't know what will."

"True, but what about the splitting into four beings part?"

"The first guy managed to beat him without that, didn't he?" (5)

"He had a talking hat."

"Well, you can just hide inside my hat and yell at him. Maybe that'll trigger whatever weakness he might have with talking hats."

Navi was a bit skeptical about that plan. But before she could voice her concerns, Link began talking again.

"Okay, it's settled! You'll hide in my hat and trigger his weakness, and I'll go in for the kill while he's immobilized. It's the perfect plan!"

"But—"

"Alright, so now that we have a battle plan, tell me where his lair is!"

Navi gave up on trying to reason with the hero and flipped to the next page of the book. "Nayru's love, that is one _hideous_ monster!" she exclaimed when she caught sight of the illustration on the page.

"Let me see!" Link snatched the book off the table and looked at it. "Woah, is that ugly eyeball thing Vaati?" He stared at the picture for a moment before beginning to snicker. "Heheh, with an ugly mug like that, there's no _way_ he'll ever be able to get Zelda to marry him."

"Actually, he doesn't look—"

"Hey Navi, try targeting this picture! Maybe you'll find his weak point!" Link suggested excitedly as he set the book back on the table.

"Ugh, fine." Navi went into targeting mode and hovered over the picture. "Vaati the Wind Mage, a powerful sorcerer. His main weakness is his eye."

"Aha!" Link exclaimed triumphantly. "Yet another weakness for me to exploit! And a painfully obvious one at that!" He glanced down at the book eagerly. "Are there any others?"

Navi skimmed the next page of the book. "Other than a few more meaningless facts about the evil deeds he's done, the only other thing here that might suggest a weakness is his weakness for beautiful girls. Apparently he's kidnapped quite a few of them in his day."

"Aha! So he's a lecher! If we can just get our hands on a dress and some makeup, I'll bet I could—" Then something occurred to Link, and his eyes widened in horrified realization. "Wait, if he's a lecher, then that means that my beloved Zelda's been kidnapped by a lecherous pervert!" The hero gripped the back of the chair in front of him hard enough to crack it in two. "Just think of all the dirty things he could be doing to her as we speak!" He paused for a second to mull that over before muttering, "That lucky dog…"

"Link!" Navi exclaimed, appalled by the hero's lecherous mindset. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

"What? Can't a guy be jealous over his own fiancée?"

Navi and Link stared at each other for a minute before the fairy shook her head in defeat. "Oh never mind, you're obviously a bit short on brain cells right now."

Link disregarded the fairy's potentially offensive comment in favor of getting some answers. "So does the book say anything about where we can find Vaati?"

The fairy scanned the page once more and, finding nothing pertaining to the wind mage's whereabouts, flipped to the next one, which revealed a picture of a map. "Well, this map should make finding him a bit easier."

Link made another grab for the book, but Navi pulled out a spork and stabbed his hand with it. "Oh, no you don't! If you see the map, you'll just go running off before we're finished here. Now sit down and don't move until I tell you to!"

The hero scowled before plopping down into an unbroken chair and sucking on the prong marks that lingered on the back of his hand.

Navi read the text on the page before looking back up at the sulking hero. "Okay, this seems to be the last of the information the book has on Vaati. It says that his lair is called the Palace of Winds, and that it floats above the clouds of Hyrule."

Link's hand dropped from his mouth as he gave the fairy an incredulous look. "You mean he has a castle in the _sky_? How the hell are we supposed to get to something that floats above the clouds?" he demanded.

"Luckily for us it seems to have a predictable pattern of movement, so it won't be too hard to figure out where it is. But getting there will be quite the challenge. I know that _I_ could probably get there since I can fly, but that doesn't really help you. I mean, it's not like I could carry you."

Link's eyes suddenly lit up, and he gave Navi a calculating look that sent unpleasant shivers down her spine. She fluttered back a bit from the hero's scheming gaze. "Why are you looking at me like—wait. Oh no. No no no no _no_. I couldn't _possibly_ carry you! You're too heavy!"

"But you managed to carry my sword a while back, didn't you?" Link responded, waggling his fingers ominously as he inched closer to the fairy.

Navi backed up some more. "There is a _huge_ difference between a sword and a full grown man. I know I'm amazing, but even _I_ couldn't carry that much weight. I'm too small to be able to carry a big lug like you!"

The fairy's argument didn't deter the hero in the slightest. "Then we'll just have to find a way to make you bigger!" he declared.

"…why not just find a way to make _you_ smaller?" Navi countered, not seeing why it had to be _her_ who changed size.

Link snorted. "That should be obvious. I'll have to fight Vaati once we get there, and, even with the power of love on my side, I wouldn't be able to vanquish him if I was stuck in such a tiny state."

"Except for that power of love nonsense, you do make a good point. But how do you plan on making me bigger? Do you have a potion or a spell or something?"

"No, but I do have this weird mushroom I found growing in the Lost Woods." Link reached into his pouch and, after a bit a rummaging, pulled out a fairly large mushroom that had a red cap with big white spots on it and two black eyes on its fat tan stem. (6)

"…it's staring at me."

"Yeah, it does that."

Navi gave Link a look of disbelief. "You actually expect me to _eat_ that? It has _eyes_! And it looks poisonous! How do you even know that it works?"

"Because I've eaten one before. I didn't know that it would make me grow into a giant when I ate it, but it was kinda cool to be able to see my house from the Lost Woods. It only lasts for a little while though, so we'll have to get as close as we possibly can to Vaati's lair before using it. And this was the only other one I could find, so we'll only have one shot at this."

"…I can't believe you actually ate a mushroom that had _eyes_ on it." Navi muttered as she studied the mushroom. After having a short staring contest with the fungus (and subsequently losing), she finally relented. "…well, it does seems to be our only option. I'll check the map to see where Vaati's palace is now."

Navi studied the map and the movement chart next to it, and found that the supposed location of Vaati's palace at the moment was above Hyrule Castle.

"According to the movement chart, the Palace of Winds seems to be right above Hyrule Castle right now." she informed the waiting hero.

Link abruptly stood from his chair and looked toward the ceiling with shining eyes, his hands clasped in front of his chest. "Ah, I must have the favor of the goddesses for my path to be so unhindered. They must approve of my marriage to the fair princess Zelda!"

Navi rolled her eyes at the hero's theatrics before grabbing the back of his tunic and dragging him toward the library's exit. "Whatever floats your love boat. Let's just get going."

"Hey, I thought you said you weren't strong enough to carry me!"

"Carrying and dragging are _also_ different things." The fairy informed him as she dragged him out the door and through the corridor, looking for the stairwell that would lead to the castle's roof.

"Wait!" Link suddenly exclaimed. "I have to go to the marketplace before we go!"

Navi stopped and let go of the hero's collar. "What, did you think of something you could use to defeat Vaati?" she asked curiously.

"No…"

"Then what could you possibly need from there?"

"I have to get Zelda a present."

Navi blinked, not quite sure that she'd heard the hero right. "…you have to get who a what now?"

"I didn't leave any dessert for her at the restaurant, so I have to get her something to make up for it!"

The fairy once again smacked her forehead at the hero's overwhelming stupidity. Honestly, those love potions should come with warnings about how they lower the user's IQ level in favor of raising their hormone levels. "Link, she obviously didn't _deserve_ any dessert if she ran out on you before you even ordered it."

Link winced at the reminder of the princess's desertion. "I guess you're right. But I can definitely guarantee that that'll be the last time she'll ever run out before dessert is served, because after I rescue her, I'll handcuff her to me so she won't ever be able to leave me again!"

Navi rolled her eyes. "You're a clingy weirdo, did you know that?"

Link scoffed and crossed his arms. "You just don't understand love. You have my pity, O loveless one."

"After seeing how you and Zelda act while in 'love', I don't think I _want_ to understand _your_ brand of it." the fairy retorted.

"With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder you're still single. You're going to become a lonely old hag, aren't you?" Link began to laugh, not knowing that he had just brought up a very sensitive subject for Navi.

The fairy developed a large red tic mark on her head. It wasn't _her_ fault that she was too busy traveling around with Link to meet any nice fairy guys! And the brief periods of time that they _did_ spend in the Kokiri Forest weren't nearly long enough to actually hook up with any of the eligible fairies!

Navi ground her teeth as she came to the conclusion that it was all Link's fault that she was alone. So she did the only thing she could think of to relieve this newfound vexation. She stabbed Link's nose with a toothpick.

"Ow!" he yelped as his hand reflexively came up and swatted Navi away. He yanked the toothpick out of the side of his nose and glared at her. "If I didn't need you to get to Vaati's lair and to trigger his hat weakness, I'd stuff you in a bottle faster than you could say dodongo!" he seethed, waving the red tipped toothpick at her. Then he reached a hand up to gingerly feel the side of his nose, and discovered that the toothpick had gone straight through. "Aw great, now I'm going to have to get a nose ring for the hole!"

Navi peeled herself off the wall she'd been swatted into and scoffed. "A nose ring? Please, you already look stupid enough without adding tacky jewelry." She flew a ways down the hall before calling over her shoulder, "Now let's get a move on! Or do you _want_ Vaati to molest Zelda?"

Navi was slammed back into the wall by a blast of wind as Link practically flew past her. After a moment of scrabbling, she detached herself from the cold stone wall a second time. Her first instinct was to fly after Link and inflict some sort of bodily harm upon him, but instead she began listing different torture methods under her breath in an effort to calm herself. Once she had composed herself enough to trust that she wouldn't stab Link in the eye with her spork on sight, she tracked the trail of dust he had kicked up while careening through the halls.

The dust trail eventually led her to a stairwell, where it made an abrupt turn up the steps. Navi followed the trail until she reached the unhinged door (no doubt smashed open by Link during his mad rush) at the top of the steps. And speak of the devil, there was the door-smashing hero now, standing on top of the highest turret of the castle.

"What took you so long?" Link snapped once he caught sight of her. "Don't you know how important it is that we reach Zelda as soon as possible? That hideous monster could be doing all sorts of horrible things to her that could've been prevented if _you_," At this he pointed an accusing finger at the fairy. "hadn't been so slow!"

"Nice to see you too." Navi muttered as she flew up to where the hero was perched. As soon as she reached him, he shoved the mushroom in her face so that she was eye to eye with it. She swore that the thing blinked at her. "Eat it." he commanded.

"Uh, it's a bit too big for me to—mrff!" The fairy almost choked as Link ripped off a piece and shoved it into her mouth. She barely managed to swallow it before it was followed by yet another piece.

The gagging fairy quickly flew out of Link's reach before chewing the piece properly and swallowing it. Now that she had actually been able taste it, she found that it didn't really have that bad of a flavor. In fact, it kinda tasted like tomatoes and mozzarella cheese. But still…

"Do I really have to eat the whole thing?" she asked, eyeing the mushroom that was easily three times her size.

Link shrugged. "I don't know. But better safe than sorry!"

"I don't think I can—wh-whoa." Navi's vision began to swim and she felt a weird tingling sensation spread throughout her body. "Wow, it's like I'm on crack or something…" she slurred.

Then she suddenly shot up to human size.

"My eyes!" Link shrieked as he dropped the mushroom and slapped his hands over his burning eyes. "You're like a miniature sun! Can't you dim your glow or something?"

Navi crossed her now not so tiny arms. "No can do, buddy boy. Fairies don't have brightness controls, so you'll just have to deal with it until I shrink again. My suggestion would be that you keep your eyes shut."

The hero frowned at the prospect of temporary blindness. What if they happened to run into an enemy of some kind before Navi shrank? He wouldn't be able to fend it off properly without being able to see it. But then again, any potential enemies would probably be blinded by Navi's blazing glow as well.

Taking comfort in this thought, he finally conceded. "Fine, I'll keep my eyes closed. Now hurry, the effect of the mushroom won't last for long!"

"Right." Navi grabbed Link under his arms and took off for the sky.

* * *

**I can't apologize enough about how late this chapter was. Truth is, it was actually pretty much finished about two months ago, but I didn't quite like the way it turned out (grammar, phraseology, those sorts of things) so I kept tweaking it and changing things until I was finally satisfied (though I'll probably re-read it in a few months and be like 'Woah, I actually wrote it like _that_?').**

**I can't help but think that it might be a good idea to find myself a beta reader, but I don't know if I should do that since I'm more than halfway through the story. Again, I apologize that my perfectionism got in the way of you guys being able to read this sooner.**

**(1) The title of the spell book, roughly translated into the modern language, is 'Love Potions for Dummies'.**

**(2) Does anyone recognize the spell Vaati used? No? Well, it's from the English dub of Axis Powers: Hetalia. In Episode 13, Britain tried to curse Germany (or maybe America, it was kinda vague), and this is what he recited in order to call forth the greatest evil in the world (*cough*Russia*cough*)! But in my story, this chant is for a love spell, not summoning the legions of hell. Pft, DumbleDora the Explora indeed. XD**

**(3) This is a reference to those 'bodice ripper' romance novels. Now, before you start giving me weird looks, I can safely say that I haven't read any and don't plan to (though I've stumbled across fanfics that would probably qualify…). But I do have a pretty basic knowledge of what goes on in them, and I'm just having a little fun with the rather ridiculous genre name. Heheh, apparently Link has a weakness for those kinds of books, who knew?**

**(4) Yep, Link would definitely name his thirteenth kid Zelgadis. Because I said so. XD  
****My choice of name for said thirteenth child came from me noticing a similarity between names a while back. Zelgadis (from Slayers) and Zelda share the same first three letters of their names, as do Lina (from Slayers) and Link. Interesting, no? Especially since they're both pairings that I ship in each of the respective series. But maybe I thought into it a bit too much.**

**(5) Yes Minish Cap players, I am aware of how Link beat Vaati in the final two stages of the boss battle. But Ocarina of Time Link doesn't know that, and having him traipse across the land to find the Four Sword isn't in my rather vague outline for the rest of this story.**

**(6) It's the Super Mushroom from Super Mario Bros.! Because I just can't resist a good cameo and/or shout-out. But I'm sure that none of you guys have noticed, right? ;D**


	18. Chapter 17

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 17 of The Love Potion!**** Wow, I sure got a lot of feedback on Chapter 16, I must've done something right! (*cough*like actually updating*cough*) Anyhow, I'd like to thank all of the people who made my day brighter when they reviewed! Thank you:**

**SolarRuby17  
****SectumsempraSammy  
****Evilblood  
****OneWingedHeron53  
****NaviLegacy  
****LuverOfAllThingsGIRLYMAN  
****Shakespeare Kitten  
****Eternal Nocturne  
****BrambleAkira101  
****Radius Flame  
****Princess Mara of the Universe  
****The Beginning of Talent  
****ChristianFreak98  
****Midsney**

**And n****ow, enjoy the latest update to my story!**

* * *

Vaati stood before the door of Zelda's temporary chamber, his pale lips twisted into an evil grin. There was no way she would be able to refuse him. His backup plan was both genius and perfect. Perfectly genius, if you will.

Letting out a dark chuckle at his private joke, he lifted the bars in front of the door and unlocked it before opening it and taking a step inside.

After a brief glance around the room, he found that other than quite a few overturned and smashed pieces of furniture and some claw marks on the walls, there was no sign of the princess. Ah, so she was hiding from him. He had expected as much. Well, that or her assailing him the instant he stepped foot into the room.

The wind mage took another step inside and shut the door behind him, locking it with his magic for good measure. "I know you're in here, princess." He made his way around the room, peering around and under pieces of furniture. "Where is it that you are secreting yourself?"

After a few more minutes of fruitless searching, he had become quite annoyed. "Princess, my patience is growing thin." he informed the room at large, his voice clearly showing his irritation. When there was no response, he angrily overturned the bed, half-hoping that the princess might scurry out like a cockroach exposed to light. Unsurprisingly, she didn't appear.

Then Vaati was suddenly struck by a horrible notion. Had she somehow managed to escape? He couldn't imagine how she could have done so without magic, but what other explanation was there for her absence?

He quickly made his way to the door, still puzzling over how the princess could've vanished from the room. He placed his hand on the handle and was about to turn it when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Aha, so Zelda _was_ still in the room! Vaati spun toward where he had seen the movement, only to find nothing there. Then his peripheral vision caught a glimpse of a shadowy figure swiftly slipping behind him and he spun around again, only to come face to face with thin air.

Vaati ground his teeth in frustration. He was just beginning to very seriously consider unleashing a spell that would turn every living thing within a five-mile radius to stone when a few small bits of rubble fell on his head. His eyes traveled up to the ceiling, then bugged out when he saw that there, sticking to the ceiling like a spider, was a ninja.

The ninja's ruby red eyes glared down at him, not once blinking as its body clung to the ceiling. The gears of Vaati's mind turned swiftly as he tried to figure out why there was a _ninja_ on his ceiling. Had he somehow entered the wrong room? No, that couldn't be right, he had seen the telltale broken bedpost when he had entered the room. Also, he didn't recall having any rooms with ninjas in them. Though that might not be such a bad idea for a trap to spring on the next trespassing hero who invaded his palace…

Before the mage could think anymore about potential death traps, the ninja suddenly flung a barrage of needles at him. He quickly used his cape to deflect the attack, leaving the needles to clatter harmlessly to the floor. Seeing that its attack didn't work, the ninja promptly pulled a knife from a small sheath on its back and leapt at the wind mage, weapon glinting in the torchlight.

Vaati scrambled out of the ninja's way, leaving it to land where he had been standing a mere half-second before. The ninja had barely touched the floor before it sprang at him again. The wind mage backpedaled wildly as the ninja ran at him, repeatedly swiping at him with the knife.

"Cease and desist!" Vaati commanded, but the ninja predictably disregarded the order and instead sliced off an inch or so of the wind mage's bangs.

"My hair!" he cried, aghast that his luscious white locks had been hacked off so brutally. His thoughts were quickly refocused on his current situation when his back hit a wall, and the ninja leapt at him. Vaati barely managed to avoid being stabbed in the head by ducking, but his cap wasn't so fortunate. The ninja didn't give the wind mage any time to grieve his poor hat as it yanked the knife out of the ruined headwear and slashed at him again.

Vaati snatched up his cap and hastily teleported himself to the other side of the room. The ninja spun around to face him, and the wind mage was finally given a chance to study his attacker from a safe distance. A two-toned blue bodysuit wrapped sporadically with bandages covered the ninja's body, and a white cloth that extended from the neck of the suit concealed the lower half of the ninja's face. A flat turban covered golden hair that was pulled back into a long braid with a deadly looking ornament on the end. But the most striking part of the ninja's attire was the bright red Sheikah eye placed on the white cloth covering the front of the ninja's torso. (1)

The ninja wasted no time racing over and leaping at him again, but this time Vaati simply teleported out of harms way once more. He continued to teleport away from the ninja's continuous attacks while he collected his thoughts.

Judging by the eye symbol on the ninja's chest, this ninja was a Sheikah. But what was a Sheikah doing in his palace? From what he had gathered after escaping the sword, the Sheikah were nearly extinct now. So why was there a member of a nearly extinct race here, in this room, trying to maim him?

His thoughts were interrupted when said Sheikah finally managed to land a hit in the form of a scratch on the wind mage's cheek. Vaati quickly phased away before more damage could be done, then touched a hand to his bleeding cheek.

"M-my face! You've _marred_ my beautiful _face_!" First his hair, then his hat, and now his _face_? Member of an almost extinct race or not, the Sheikah was going to _pay_. He leveled a glare at the ninja, who was crouched on the other side of the room, prepared to spring at him again.

Vaati decided that he'd had enough of this pointless battle, and cast a spell on the ninja's knife that made it searing to the touch. The ninja tossed the blade away when it started to burn through the bandages wrapped around its fingers. The wind mage then sent a shockwave of magic toward the Sheikah, but it flipped back out of the way before throwing another handful of needles towards him.

Vaati rolled his eyes and flicked a fingerful of magic toward the needles, causing them to suddenly stop in midair, turn, then race back toward the ninja in less than a second. The ninja was unable to dodge the magically imbued needles midair and was pinned to the wall when the needles caught onto the sleeves of its bodysuit.

The wind mage walked over and stood before the struggling ninja. "Now, you're going to answer a few—grk!" Vaati suddenly found his neck between the ninja's thighs, which tightened into a vise-like grip, effectively choking him. (2) He struggled against this strange method of strangulation for a moment before remembering that he could teleport and using this ability to escape.

"Filthy Sheikah scum!" Vaati hissed as he waved a hand and magically pinned the ninja's legs to the wall as well. Then he rubbed his neck, still a little short on breath. Damn, that would've been a horrible way to die. Choked to death by the thighs of a sexually ambiguous ninja. He sincerely hoped that this ninja was female, otherwise…well, he didn't like to think of how close his face would've been to another male's nether regions.

With the ninja's legs now incapacitated, Vaati felt that it was safe to go back and stand in front of it. "You _will_ answer my questions." he snarled. "Or there will be dire consequences. Now tell me how you got in here, and where Princess Zelda is." The ninja just glared at him venomously.

"Not talking, hm? Well, I have ways of loosening your tongue." Vaati summoned a small ball of dark energy in his hand and grinned wickedly. "Feeling more willing to speak now?" The Sheikah continued to glare at Vaati defiantly.

"Fine there, we'll do this the hard way. But first, I think I'll remove your mask so that I can see the agonized look on your face when 50,000 volts of magically imbued electricity surges through your body."

The ninja's eyes widened, and it shook its head wildly. Vaati's grin widened. "Oh? Does that sound painful? Well, you should have thought of that before refusing to answer me. Now you will have to suffer the consequences." And in addition to being able to see the full extent of the ninja's pain, he would most likely also be able to find out its true gender. The truth would either greatly ease his mind or make him feel quite ill.

Vaati reached his free hand toward the ninja's mask. The ninja began to thrash around even more frantically than before, but couldn't stop Vaati as he grabbed hold of the mask and yanked it down.

It took the wind mage a moment to process that the face staring back at him was that of Princess Zelda. (3) "What the hell is this?" he demanded, letting the dark magic in his palm dissipate.

Zelda's lips pressed into a thin line as she looked away. She had been _so_ close to escaping. If only that stupid piece of ceiling hadn't been loose, Vaati would never have been alerted to her presence and she might've been able to slip out unnoticed when he opened the door. And even after that failed she _still_ may have been able to get out of here with only a few scorch marks if he'd just left her mask alone.

Vaati grabbed Zelda's chin between his fingers and jerked her head back to face him. "Answer me! Why are you dressed as a Sheikah?"

The princess didn't want to disclose her second identity to the wind mage; the less he knew about her, the better. But maybe there was a way she could use his confusion to her advantage.

She looked Vaati square in the eye and said, "I'm dressed as a Sheikah because I _am_ a Sheikah. Surely you've heard of how the Sheikah tribe is sworn to protect the royal family, yes?"

"I have."

"Well, I'm just a decoy. The real princess is in another castle." (4)

Vaati arched a thin eyebrow. "Is that so?"

"Yes."

"Interesting. Well, I suppose that there would be no point in marrying you if you're not the princess."

"Exactly." This was going better than she had hoped. Maybe he'd just let her go! Okay, perhaps that was a bit far fetched, but at least now he'd leave her alone to figure out how to escape without the threat of forced marriage looming over her.

Vaati stepped back and studied her for a moment. "No, it would be of no use to me to marry a Sheikah." he mused. "But it would be a waste to let such a lovely specimen go. I think I'll keep you."

"_Keep_ me? What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Zelda already had her suspicions of what the wind mage meant, but she felt the need to ask anyway.

"As unbelievable as it might seem, I do sometimes get a bit..._lonely_."

Zelda scoffed. "Well, you certainly don't need _me_ to keep you company; I'd probably just try to kill you. Go spend some time with those drooling minions of yours."

"I make it a point not to socialize with my minions; it might make them lose their perception of me being at a godlike level. Besides, they wouldn't be able to give me the kind of…_companionship_ I crave."

Zelda shrank back in revulsion. "Ugh, you're _disgusting_!"

"Well, what can I say; I have a weakness for beautiful and feisty women such as yourself."

"I'll slit your throat in your sleep!"

"Ah, there's that feistiness!"

"Bite me!"

Vaati gave her a toothy grin, showing off his unusually long canines. "In due time."

Zelda winced. "I didn't mean that literally!" She fervently hoped that he was just making a sick joke, even though she wouldn't put it past him to actually do something like that. Then she began to wonder if maybe Vaati was some sort of vampire. He was pale enough to be one…maybe she could kill him if she could get her hands on some garlic or a wooden stake. Of course, the wooden stake would probably kill him either way…and the same went for silver arrows… (5)

Vaati ignored her protest and instead changed the subject. "Now, we really should do something to fix those horrible clothes you're wearing. They're very unbecoming for someone of your position."

Zelda bristled. "_Horrible_? How _dare_ you insult the traditional battle garb of the Sheikah? They are proud warriors who—"

"_They_? Not _we_?"

Zelda's eyes widened when she realized her slip-up. "Uh…I meant…"

Vaati lips curled into a smirk. "There's no need to try and hide it anymore, princess. I knew you were lying from the start; I was just humoring you."

Zelda scowled. She should've known he wouldn't fall for something like that.

Her sulking didn't last for long as Vaati waved a hand and the restraints holding her to the wall suddenly disappeared. She let out a yelp and just managed to maintain her balance when her feet hit the floor.

"As I was saying, those clothes don't flatter you at all. It should be a dress or nothing."

Zelda glared at him. "Chauvinist."

"Be that as it may, it's time for you to change into clothing more appropriate to your gender." Vaati cast a spell to reverse the effects of Zelda's Sheikah transformation, causing her hair, skin, eyes and clothing to change back to normal in a flash of light.

Zelda, not appreciating Vaati tampering with her magic, promptly transformed back into Sheik, if for no other reason than to spite him. She folded her arms and shot Vaati a defiant look, silently _daring_ him to try reversing her spell again.

The challenge didn't go unnoticed by Vaati, and he scowled. Such impudence! It seemed that she was forgetting just _who_ was in control here! "You've just earned yourself another magic seal, princess." he informed her as he changed her back and placed a magic seal on her transformation magic. When Zelda attempted to change again, she found that Vaati hadn't been making an idle threat.

"There, much better." he said approvingly. "I have a rather low tolerance for cross-dressing."

"You're one to talk, she-male." Zelda muttered.

"What was that?" Vaati asked sharply.

Zelda crossed her arms. "The truth. Have you _seen_ yourself in a mirror lately? You should really try wearing less effeminate clothing, it makes you look even more girly than you would naturally."

"My wardrobe is very manly!" Vaati exclaimed defensively. "And I most certainly do_ not_ look _girly_!"

She looked him up and down and raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Purple?"

"It's the color of royalty!"

"_I'm_ royalty, and I know for a fact that that outfit is anything but."

Vaati growled. "Once we're married I _will_ be royalty, and then I will have the power to make _everyone_ wear purple if I so wish!"

Zelda waved a hand dismissively. "Your diabolical plan for the future of Hyrule's fashion will never come to fruition since I won't ever agree to marry you."

Vaati decided that now would be a suitable time to commence his backup plan. "Oh, but I think you will. Behold!" He snapped his fingers and a cockroach suddenly poofed into existence next to Zelda. She took one look at it and let out a high-pitched 'kyaa' as she leapt into Vaati's arms, desperate to get away from the repulsive little monster.

Once she was safely out of the cockroaches reach, Zelda regained her senses and noticed the smug look that Vaati was giving her. "Don't get the wrong idea, I just happen to hate cockroaches a little bit more than you." she informed him vehemently, mortified that she'd actually leapt straight into the enemy's arms instead of doing the sensible thing and jumping onto a piece of furniture.

…oh right, she'd destroyed most of it. Well, that would explain her irrational behavior then…

Vaati feigned a hurt expression. "Only a little bit more? Then I'm sure you want me to put you down—" He made to place the princess back on her feet, but Zelda caught sight of the cockroach scuttling closer and shrieked again as she clung to the maliciously gleeful wind mage.

"And just think, I could summon hundreds of cockroaches into this very room and leave you alone with them." Vaati said, enjoying how easily frightened the princess was of such an insignificant creature.

She gave him a look of absolute horror. He wouldn't! Even Ganon had never sunk that low! Granted, that was probably just because he'd never thought of it, but forcing her to watch mind-numbingly boring educational children's plays and threatening to kill her was much more humane than _this_!

"At any rate, I have business to attend to, so I'll just leave you to become better acquainted with this charming creature."

"No!" The princess was practically on the verge of tears at the thought of being left alone in a room with even _one_ disgusting roach, much less _hundreds_ of them! "I'll do whatever you want, just don't leave me alone with any of those horrible things!" she begged.

"Anything, hm? Even marry me?"

"Uh…" Perhaps she should take a moment to consider her options before making a life-changing decision like that…

Vaati abruptly feigned dropping Zelda to the floor, and all reason fled from her mind as she yelped and clung tighter. "All right, I'll marry you! Just get _rid_ of it!"

Upon hearing her acquiescence, Vaati immediately disposed of the vermin by simply lifting his foot and squashing it flat. Then he allowed himself a triumphant grin. His plan had worked perfectly! No woman had ever been able to overcome his cockroach tactic before, and Zelda was no exception. She was female, after all.

"It's gone now." he informed said female, who had her face buried in his shoulder.

Zelda looked up and, seeing that the source of her irrational fear was now gone, immediately felt her confidence rush back into her. She promptly demanded to be put down, and was genuinely surprised when Vaati complied.

"I need to see to a few last minute arrangements for our marriage." he told her. "I'll be back shortly." And with that, he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him.

Now that the cockroach was gone, Zelda felt like a complete idiot for acting in such a cowardly manner. Her over the top reaction had let Vaati figure out her weakness, and he was using it to make her marry him. The _slime_. Sure, she could easily just say no during the ceremony, but then he'd probably throw her in a room that was _crawling_ with the vile insects. She shuddered, then mentally kicked herself for reacting to just the _thought_ of her phobia.

And so, here she was, about to marry a monster who was most likely going to plunge all of Hyrule into darkness the instant the vows were exchanged. And escaping was hardly an option anymore, since she wasn't even able to get out as _Sheik_. Now her only hope rested with Link. In all of his love-crazy and delusional glory.

She slapped a hand over her eyes and groaned. "Hyrule is doomed."

The door suddenly slammed open and Zelda jumped, not expecting the loud noise.

"The preparations are finished!" Vaati declared as he entered the room and strolled over to where she was standing.

"But you were only gone for a minute! How could you have possibly—" Then she noticed that all of the wounds and clothing damage that she'd inflicted upon him earlier had been fixed. "…I see. You just left so that you could pretty yourself up. You sure are vain, aren't you?"

Vaati looked vaguely annoyed. "A person of my stature needs to look his best no matter the circumstance. And that is doubly true if he's about to be married. Now let's be on our way, we wouldn't want any heroes turning up before we're officially bride and groom."

"Actually, I think that would be a rather wonderful turn of events."

Vaati shot her a glare before grabbing her wrist and tugging her out the door. "Well I don't, so stop dawdling."

While she didn't know for sure whether or not Link knew where she was, Zelda figured that given his past track record of always being able to locate her no matter where she'd been abducted to, the likelihood of him coming to save her was pretty high. Thus, stalling for time might be of some benefit.

"Aren't we rushing things a bit?" she asked, digging her heels into the floor in an attempt to slow Vaati's pace. "I haven't even had enough time to invite anyone from my side of the family, and I'm sure that you haven't had your bachelor party yet. And what about the rings? This wedding won't even be official without them. And did you—"

Vaati suddenly stopped and whirled around to face her. "Do you really think that I _care_ about any of those things right now?" he snapped. "All I want to do is marry you before the hero arrives so that he won't be able to interfere. Then, once my position as king has been secured, I'll arrange the largest and grandest wedding this country has ever seen! And as for the rings, I have them right here."

He procured two simple gold bands from his cape. "I'll also be replacing these rings with more suitable ones for the official ceremony, but they will serve their purpose for now." He re-pocketed the rings and continued dragging the princess down the hall.

So, she hadn't been wrong about him being flamboyant enough to want a huge flashy wedding. What she hadn't counted on was him being smart enough to not waste time on the flashy wedding in the first place.

As Vaati continued to pull her toward what she was certain was Hyrule's impending doom, Zelda silently cursed him for not letting his flamboyancy take first priority over logic.

* * *

**Yes yes, I took a while to update again. But I have my reasons, and they're very good ones. Well, in my mind anyway…**

**So, I'm sure that some of you might think that Zelda's fear of cockroaches is a pretty weaksauce weakness, right? Well, that was kind of what I was going for. Since I'm mostly writing this story for the sake of the lulz, making Vaati do something like threaten to huff and puff and blow down Hyrule Castle Town would make the story more serious, and I'm aiming to avoid that as much as possible. Though, I suppose if I'd made him word it like **_**that**_**, it wouldn't have been all that serious after all. But personally I liked the cockroach idea better, so I went with that. =)**

**At any rate, sorry about a chapter of nothing but Vaati and Zelda interaction. Judging from the reviews I've gotten, I pretty sure that what you guys **_**really**_** want to see is more Navi. I promise that she'll be in the next chapter! It's so strange, she seems to be a fan favorite now…how did **_**that**_** happen? XD**

**(1) Sheik finally makes his/her appearance! I've been wanting to incorporate Zelda's Sheik persona into the story for some time now, but just couldn't figure out how to do so in a way that was at least **_**relatively**_** unobtrusive. Until now, that is. =)  
****Also, I used Sheik's design from Brawl in my description, since I think it looks amazingly cool. Plus, that's the design where he/she has a knife strapped to his/her back.**

**(2) I believe that this move is called 'The Triangle Choke' in wrestling, and 'Murderous Thighs' on TV Tropes. And no, it wasn't meant to be perverted, the TV Tropes page addresses this point. G'head and look it up if you want, everything on that site is a pretty good read. XD**

**(3) Now, a few of you may be wondering, 'How could Zelda have changed into Sheik in the first place if she can't use magic?' My answer? 'This is a humor fic people, try not to read into it too much.' But if you want a more concrete answer, my thoughts are that her transformation magic is a completely different sort of magic that comes from her soul or something. Which would require a different sort of magic sealant than what Vaati used to seal her normal magic. And as for those of you who either didn't care or didn't notice…ignoooore meeeeee!**

**(4) Yet another Mario reference! …don't shoot me, it practically wrote itself in there! I swear it!**

**(5) No no, he's not a vampire. That's just Zelda being ridiculous again. XD**


	19. Chapter 18

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 18 of The Love Potion! I'd like to thank everyone who was awesome enough to review after my last update! Thank you:**

**Link Fangirl01  
****OneWingedHeron53  
****Poe Princess Mara  
****ChristianFreak98  
****Evilblood  
****SectumsempraSammy  
****SSBB Gamer  
****ShadowNinja1011  
****jess  
****XxSheik13xX  
****arashic1030  
****(unnamed)  
****xxx**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of the characters.**

* * *

"Oh! Mr. Fairy! What are you doing all the way up here on such a fine breezy day?"

Link groaned. Of all the things they could've _possibly_ encountered in the sky, it had to be _Tingle_. No doubt using his balloon to float over the land and draw his grossly overpriced maps. (1) The hero honestly would've preferred to run into a dragon; they were far easier to deal with and _way_ less annoying.

Tingle continued to chatter, oblivious to Link's growing annoyance. "And who is this that you're traveling with? Could she be…could she be a _fairy?_! Yes! Yes she is! And judging by her size and stunning beauty, she must be Titania, Queen of the Fairies!"

"Beat it, you ugly little troll!" Navi snapped, not at all appreciative of Tingle's attention. "I'm busy!"

Tingle let out a girlish squeal that caused a passing flock of birds to freeze up and drop from the sky. "She _spoke_ to Tingle!" he exclaimed giddily. "Tingle is _so_ happy! Kooloo-Limpah!"

It was at this point that Link decided he'd had more than enough of Tingle for one day. So he drew his bow, aimed it just a little higher than where he'd heard the dwarfish man's voice, and let loose an arrow.

He grinned when he heard a popping sound followed by a high-pitched squeal as Tingle plummeted back down toward Hyrule. The last thing Link heard before Tingle's voice faded completely was, "Tingle can die happy!" Tch, yeah right, the annoying little cretin would probably pop up again sometime next week.

"Well, that took care of that!" Link said as he put away his bow and dusted off his hands. Then a thought occurred to him. "Hey…how come Tingle wasn't blinded by your glow?"

"He was wearing sunglasses. Big _ugly_ ones with pink flamingoes on the sides."

Link slapped a palm to his forehead. "Now why didn't _I_ think of doing that?"

"Wearing pink flamingo sunglasses? Trust me, it'd be better to be _blind_ than have to wear sunglasses that looked like that."

Link pursed his lips and nodded thoughtfully. "True." He was silent for a moment before speaking again. "Sooo…are we there yet?"

"I think you'd probably be able to tell if we were." Navi responded shortly.

"Oh, right. Well, are we _almost_ there?"

"Couldn't tell ya, I haven't been able to spot the palace yet."

"…but we're in the _sky_. What else is up here to block your view?"

"Clouds. Lots and lots of clouds. I'm guessing that I won't be able to see it until we get—OW!" Navi almost dropped Link when the top of her head suddenly collided painfully with what appeared to be a cloud, but felt more like a rock.

"What happened_?_!" Link exclaimed when he felt Navi's grip on him slip after a sudden jolt.

She took a moment to steady herself and readjust her hold on Link before answering. "I think I may've just found the Palace of Winds." she said through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the throbbing in her head.

"You found it? Then what's the holdup, let's go inside!"

"Just give me a minute; my head feels like it's gonna split in half." The fairy sucked in a sharp breath. "Nayru's _kneecaps_ that hurt!" She sorely wished that her hands were free so she could rub her head in an attempt to soothe the pain.

"Eh, you'll be fine. Just shake it off."

"Easy for _you_ to say. Your skull is probably thick enough that _stone_ would sustain more damage than your head would." Navi griped.

"What, you mean that _isn__'__t_ normal?" Link asked in surprise.

Navi rolled her eyes before changing the topic to a more pertinent one. "I'm gonna see if what I ran into really is Vaati's palace. From here it just looks like a bunch of clouds, but I'm betting that the palace is right above them, seeing as how the last time I checked clouds didn't leave dents in people's heads."

"Sounds reasonable to me." Link said as Navi flew out from under the cloudbank. Once she had risen above the clump of clouds, she saw that her theory had been correct, and an enormous floating palace was now towering over them.

"Found it!" she announced as she flew closer to the airborne building.

"Great! Now let's get inside before that mushroom wears off!"

No sooner had the words left Link's mouth than Navi suddenly felt a prickling sensation run through her body. Her eyes widened. "Ack! I think it's wearing off!" She looked down at Link accusingly. "You _jinxed_ it!"

"I did _not_!"

"Then _why_ am I shrinking?"

"Well, that does tend to happen as you get on in age."

Navi bristled. "I am _not_ old! And this is no time to be cracking jokes about—!" The fairy's words were cut off when her body abruptly shrank all the way back to normal. "Oh crap."

Link's eyes flew open when he felt Navi's hold disappear entirely. "What—" He suddenly realized his incredibly precarious situation and felt his stomach drop. "No! I can't fail _now_! Zelda's waiting for me!" He whipped out his hookshot and fired it at the palace, praying that it would catch onto something.

To his immense relief, it caught onto some ivy vines growing on the walls, and he sailed through the air towards the palace. Once he reached the wall he grabbed onto the ivy and began climbing towards a window that he'd spotted while being reeled in.

Navi flew after him and gave a low whistle. "Man, I thought you were a goner for sure!"

Link shook his head. "There's no way I'd let a trivial thing like falling to my death keep me away from my beloved!" he declared.

When he finally reached the window, he unsheathed his sword and smashed the glass with the pommel. Then he very carefully maneuvered his way in, trying to avoid being cut by the shards of glass. He emerged into what appeared to be a musty old storage room filled with boxes, crates, barrels, and a whole bunch of other miscellaneous junk.

Navi squawked when she flew into one of the cobwebs hanging around the room, but Link paid her no mind. He had spotted something vastly more interesting.

"_P-pots_." Link breathed, his eyes glittering as he took in the vast array of dust covered pottery spread before him. "So many pots for me to smash and shatter and…" Then he shook his head, trying to clear his mind. This was no time to be thinking of destroying pots; Zelda was being held against her will by a giant eyeball monster!

…but the pots…they were _calling_ to him. Speaking of untold treasures hidden within their clay shells, just waiting to be claimed…

Navi finally managed to free herself from the sticky cobweb by twirling it up like spaghetti with her spork. She was about to give Link what for for not helping her when she noticed that he seemed to be struggling with some sort of internal dilemma. She followed his line of vision and immediately knew what the problem was.

Every time Link came across a large number of pots, he would get an intense urge to smash each and every one of them to pieces. She never really understood why, but he'd been doing it long before she'd met him, and any attempt she'd ever made of breaking him of the habit had failed quite spectacularly. In hindsight, taking him for self-restraint training in a pottery shop probably hadn't been one of her brightest ideas. If anything it had made his condition _worse_.

By now Link's face was contorting into some pretty horrific looking expressions, so Navi decided to spare both of them some agony by distracting him with his _other_ obsession.

"I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for Zelda, trapped in this big spooky palace." She saw Link's ears twitch and continued, "Heck, she's probably sobbing her heart out in some cloistered corner even as we speak."

Link instantly forgot all about the pots and turned to Navi, his eyes wide. "You think she is?" he asked anxiously.

The fairy gestured at their surroundings. "Just look around! Wouldn't _you_ cry if you were stuck in a place like this?"

Link glanced around the room and shrugged. "Eh, probably not." Navi noticed his eyes drifting back toward the pots, and quickly attempted to divert his attention again.

"While under the same circumstances as Zelda?" she prompted.

A look of understanding dawned on the hero's face. Locked in a small room filled with spider webs and dust by a horny bat-ball monster while separated from his one true love and not knowing if he'd ever see them again? Tears sprang to his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away. He was a hero dammit, and he wasn't about to cry. Besides, Zelda was probably crying enough for the both of them!

"You're right! That's enough to make _anyone_ cry! And it must be even worse for Zelda, since she's such a delicate flower…"

Navi nearly bit off her tongue in an attempt to keep her snide commentary to herself.

"We have to find her before it's too late!" Link took off his hat and held it out to the fairy. When she didn't move, he pointed at it and said, "Get in."

"…excuse me?"

"Don't you remember the plan? You're going to hide in my hat and yell at Vaati, and while he's paralyzed with fear or whatever, I'll poke his eye out and finish him."

"Link, that's a stupid plan." Navi said bluntly.

Link scowled. "I need to have a talking hat, Navi. Now hop to it!"

"Y'know, Zelda might not think that you're very dependable if you have to rely on little 'ol me to defeat Vaati." Navi pointed out.

Link paused for a second, mulling over the fairy's words. "You do have a point. Okay, new plan; you only start talking if Vaati starts winning. It'll be our emergency trump card. Now get in, I want to be prepared from the get-go."

Navi could see that Link wasn't letting her off the hook, so she grudgingly resigned herself to her fate. "Fine. But you'd better not have lice." She settled herself on top of Link's head and grumbled as he covered her with his hat.

"Now remember, you'll need to yell nice and loud so he can hear you." he instructed. "And try to be intimidating, otherwise you might not set off his weakness. You got all that?"

"Yeah yeah." Navi muttered.

"Good! Now let's get going, I have a hideous monster to slay and beautiful maiden to save!"

"Hoo-ray." Navi deadpanned as Link strode toward the door determinedly.

* * *

When Vaati dragged Zelda into the throne room, she was surprised to see that the room was almost completely devoid of human life save for an old man dressed in priest robes. He was standing beside a pulpit set in front of the throne, and Vaati promptly made his way up onto the dais, pulling her along with him.

"_This_ is the wedding?" Zelda asked scornfully. "There's nobody here!"

"As I said before, the official wedding will take place _after_ I become king. But for now, all we need to be married are a priest, rings, and these legally binding documents." Vaati gestured to the papers laid out on the podium. (2)

But Zelda was barely paying attention to his words as she studied the priest, a strange sense of familiarity niggling at the back of her mind. Then she came to a jolting realization. "Those robes…they're the robes of a priest of the Church of Hyrule!" She looked up at the old man, confusion written all over her face. "What are you doing helping Vaati? The Priests of Hyrule are supposed to promote peace and harmony in Hyrule, and he's an _enemy_ of Hyrule who's very likely bent on chaos and destruction! He's also perverted, uncouth, short-tempered, vain, arrogant, malicious, selfish, cruel, obstinate, despicable, manipulative, conceited, deranged, immoral, chauvinistic, psychotic—"

Vaati's self-satisfied smile slowly melted into a frown as the princess continued to list what she perceived to be all of his faults and shortcomings. The priest just looked confused. This went on for a few more minutes before Zelda finally began to wind down.

"—he most likely tortures small animals, I'm almost positive he's got a lazy eye hidden under his hair, and he has a horrible sense of fashion."

"Are you quite finished?" Vaati enquired, his eyebrow twitching in clear annoyance.

The princess folded her arms and gave him a contemptuous look. "For now." Then she turned back to the priest. "But going back to my original point, how can you even _think_ of presiding over a marriage like this?"

"Simple." the priest answered. "He offered my a _very_ large amount of rupees, and I would have been a fool to refuse such a sum."

Zelda whirled on Vaati and gave him a furious look. "How _dare_ you bribe the clergy of Hyrule_?_! I'm adding suborner to the list!"

Vaati scoffed. "I'm _hardly_ the one to blame for the priest's corruption. This man has been taking bribes for _years_, and I've only been free of the sword for less than a week. I'm just another one of his…shall we say, clients."

Zelda was appalled by how corrupt this so-called 'priest' was. However, that didn't mean she wouldn't snatch up the opportunity to use his greed to get out of this sham of a marriage. "If this is about money, then I'll pay you _double_ the amount Vaati's willing to pay to _not_ do it!" she offered.

The priest's eyes lit up with greed as he considered her proposition, but then faltered when he noticed the dark glare Vaati had leveled at him.

"Or," Vaati began, letting a spark of dark magic flash warningly in his palm for a brief second. "You can take the amount I offered and not die a horribly gruesome death."

The priest broke out into a cold sweat and turned back to the princess. "Sorry, but I have a strict first-come first-served policy." he said, mopping his brow with a handkerchief.

Zelda gave him a disgusted look. "You are an absolute _disgrace_ to the priests of Hyrule."

"Just get _on_ with it!" Vaati snapped, tiring of these interruptions.

"R-right." The priest gave a nervous laugh before beginning. "Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today—"

"Just skip to the vows!" Vaati cut in.

"What_?_! He can't do that!" Zelda protested.

"Actually, I can…"

Zelda turned and snarled at the priest, who shrank back fearfully but continued nonetheless. "Erm, do you, Vaati, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Of course I do, you blathering idiot! I'm the one who ordered this marriage, aren't I?" It was obvious that Vaati had lost his last scrap of patience.

The priest lost a few shades of color. "O-of course, how silly of me." He cleared his throat nervously before turning to Zelda. "And do you, Princess Zelda, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Zelda was suddenly struck with an overwhelming feeling of panic. There was no way she could go through with this! She wasn't ready to be married, especially to an evil psychopath who wanted to dominate her kingdom!

She briefly wondered if she could avoid saying 'I do' by fainting. Before she could try, Vaati grabbed her arm and leaned down to her ear. "Remember what will happen if you say no." he whispered harshly.

Zelda felt blind fear take hold of her, and before she could stop she found herself saying 'I do'. She slapped a hand over her mouth in horror as Vaati grinned triumphantly.

"There now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" he asked mockingly as he grabbed her limp left hand and slid the ring onto her finger. Zelda suddenly snapped out of her shocked daze and tried to yank the ring off, but it wouldn't budge.

"I put a charm on the ring that won't allow it to come off your finger unless I remove it." Vaati explained smugly as he slid on his own ring. Then he plucked a quill pen from an inkwell on the podium and held it out to her. "Now if you'll just sign your name on these papers, it'll be official."

"Never!" Zelda was about to turn and make a break for it when Vaati grabbed hold of her wrist and forced the pen into her hand.

"Do it now, or I'll fill a pit full with cockroaches and throw you in with them." he threatened.

Zelda tried her hardest to stop herself from signing her name on those papers, she really did, but the funny thing about irrational fear is that it makes you, well, irrational. Once it was done, she dropped the pen to the floor and glared down at her hand. Traitor…

"Yes! I've finally done it!" Vaati broke out into peals of maniacal laughter. Then he noticed that the princess had gotten hold of the marriage documents and was about to rip them to shreds. He quickly snatched the papers from her grasp and tucked them into his cape. "Now now," he chided. "We wouldn't want out joyous union to be destroyed by something as trivial as a few ripped pieces of paper, now would we?"

Zelda opened her mouth to retort, but Vaati cut her off. "Oh! I'd almost forgotten! While it might not legally be a necessary part of the marriage ceremony, it is the most fun part." He grinned deviously. "Time to kiss the bride!"

The 'bride' shrieked and sped away from the wind mage as fast as her legs would carry her.

"Oh come now, there's no need to make such a fuss." he called to her teasingly as he sauntered after her. "After all, now that I'm your husband we'll be doing a lot more than just kissing."

"Don't _say_ that!" Zelda wailed as she raced toward the doors. She tried to yank them open, but they didn't budge. Then she threw herself against them, trying to force the doors open, but they still wouldn't yield. She spun around and saw that Vaati was still stalking toward her, a smarmy grin on his face. She let out a small yelp and fled in the opposite direction, but skidded to a sudden halt when Vaati simply materialized in front of her. He reached for her, but she intercepted his hands with her own, locking their fingers together and pushing with all her might in hopes of keeping him at bay.

A sudden ear-shattering explosion shook the room as the doors were blown to splinters from the outside. Smoke billowed into the room along with the sound of someone coughing. Once the coughing had died down, a voice pierced through the smoke. "Zelda! Are you in there?"

"Link!" Zelda cried joyfully. Never had she thought she'd be so happy to hear his voice! Especially after the unpleasant events of the past few days, but as of the moment those incidents actually seemed downright appealing since she'd at least had _some_ control over the situations.

Link charged through the smoke-filled doorway as soon as he heard Zelda's voice, but stopped short when he saw Vaati. Silence permeated the air as they stared at each other through the clearing smoke, each sizing the other up.

The silence was broken when Link suddenly exclaimed, "I _knew_ Vaati was a womanizer! He's kidnapped two women already!"

Vaati dropped Zelda's hands as his face turned a dark shade of red, and, too livid to even form a coherent sentence, he let out a strangled sound of pure rage. But Link wasn't paying the fuming sorcerer any attention as he had already glanced around the room and spotted the priest.

"So, I see you've taken a human form, Vaati!" he growled, pointing his sword at the old man. "You lecherous old fart! I'll make you pay for kidnapping my precious Zelda!" And with that he leapt at the old man and delivered a solid flying kick to the side of his head. The priest went sailing across the room and smashed into the wall, where he slumped down and lay unconscious in a pile of rubble.

"Well, that was easy." Link commented as he sheathed his unused sword. He turned back to where the 'women' were standing. "Don't worry ladies, I've taken care of that monster. You're safe now." He gave a thumbs up and shot a dazzling smile at Zelda, who slapped a hand over her face and groaned.

Hearing that Vaati had been defeated, Navi poked her head out from under Link's cap. "Wow, you really beat him with just one hit?" Then she looked around and let out a stifled squeak when she realized what must have happened. "Link, that wasn't Vaati!"

"What? Of course it—"

"I'M NOT A WOMAN!" Vaati roared, and a violent blast of wind knocked both Link and Zelda to the floor.

Navi popped back out from where she'd retreated inside of Link's hat and pointed at the seething wind mage. "_That__'__s_ Vaati!"

Link gawked. "What_?_! But she…I mean he…looks like a _girl_!"

"Well, I'm not!" Vaati snapped.

Link held up his hands defensively as he got to his feet. "Okay okay, so you're a guy. Then that leaves only one explanation for the way you look." He pointed a finger at Vaati. "You," he began, pausing for a dramatic buildup. "Are obviously a _cross__dresser_."

"_What?_!"

"Don't even try to deny it! You're wearing a skirt!"

"Uh, I hate to break it to you Link, but you're wearing the same kind of 'skirt' he is." Navi pointed out. "And at least _he__'__s_ wearing pants under it."

Link shot her an annoyed look. "How many times do I have to tell you that they're _leggings_, not _tights_! And there's one huge difference that makes mine a tunic and his a dress, and that's because mine's green and his is purple!" (3)

"What does _color_ have to do with it_?_!" Vaati demanded.

Navi looked back and forth between the hero and the villain. "Actually, I have to agree with Link on this one. Purple _is_ a pretty feminine color…and you do have this girlish air about you…"

"Shut up! Both of you!" Vaati snarled, his cape billowing around him menacingly as gusts of wind began picking up around him. He directed a fierce glare at Link. "At first I was feeling a bit apprehensive about your arrival, but now I see that you are little more than an idiot."

"Amen to that." Navi concurred.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on _my_ side." Link protested, feeling slightly betrayed.

"A point is a point, no matter who says it." Navi said matter-of-factly.

"_Furthermore_!" Vaati thundered, bringing the squabbling pair's eyes back to him. "You don't even have the proper equipment to kill _or_ seal me!"

"Proper equipment?" Link slowly turned and fixed Navi with an accusing look. "I _told_ you we needed a talking hat! But _nooo_, you just _had_ to come out before you were supposed to and ruin everything!"

Navi rolled her eyes. "I don't think he's talking about the hat. He must be talking about that sword the book mentioned."

"Oh great, _now_ you tell me." Link grumbled.

"What_?_! I told you _way_ before this!" Navi screeched shrilly.

"Ugh…what is that Din-awful noise?" Everybody's eyes turned toward Zelda, who was slowly sitting up from where she'd been lying on the ground a few seconds before. Apparently she'd hit her head pretty hard when Vaati's gust of wind had thrown her to the floor and had been temporarily knocked out.

"Muffincake! Are you all right?" Link rushed toward the princess, but Vaati beat him to the punch as he scooped her up and yanked her into his side, stopping Link dead in his tracks.

The hero's eyes narrowed. "Get your filthy mitts off my woman, you purple fruitcake." he growled.

"_Your_ woman? I think not." Vaati ignored Zelda, who had taken to beating his chest with her fists, and pulled the marriage documents out of his cape, waving them at Link mockingly. "According to these documents, she's _my_ woman. Or to be more precise, my wife."

"WHAT_?_!" Link exploded. Navi just stared, slightly shocked by this revelation.

"Dang," she murmured. "I did _not_ see that one coming."

"Is this true, Zelda_?_!" Link demanded angrily, a little bit of hurt creeping into his voice.

Zelda paused in her struggle to dislodge Vaati's hold. "He made me do it!" she exclaimed. "Do you honestly think that I'd marry an evil snake like him _willingly_?"

Vaati laughed maliciously. "It doesn't matter whether you were willing or not! What matters is that you _did_ marry me, and now both you and Hyrule are mine!"

Link unsheathed his sword and growled. "So you _made_ her do it? What kind of sick bastard are you_?_!"

Vaati smirked. "She really didn't put up that much of a fight."

Zelda let out an indignant gasp. "That is _not_ true!"

Navi had raised a dubious eyebrow at the wind mage's words. "I can't imagine that it was as easy as you say; she's a tough nut to crack. What exactly _did_ you do to make her agree?"

"Oh, I simply threatened to lock her up with a few dozen cockroaches." Vaati replied casually. Navi let out a horrified gasp as Zelda shuddered.

"Oh, you poor thing!" the fairy exclaimed, and flew over to where Vaati was holding the princess. She wedged herself between them and patted Zelda's cheek comfortingly. "It's okay now, Link and I will save you from this horrid beast." She continued to pat the princess's cheek and coo reassuring words to her as both Link and Vaati watched this exchange in mild bewilderment.

"So…" Link began uncertainly. "Mutual fear of cockroaches causes female bonding…?"

"Erm, I suppose so…" Vaati replied, not entirely understanding why he felt so perturbed by how…_out __of __character_ the fairy seemed to be acting. And he didn't even know how the fairy _usually_ conducted herself, so that was really saying something.

But regardless of what the fairy's usual temperament might be, the considerably saccharine 'bonding' happening right under his nose disgusted him; he even thought that he could see _sparkles_ emanating from the pair.

He decided that it had to stop right then and there.

"That's _enough_." he growled as he plucked Navi away from Zelda and flung her back toward Link.

"Of all the rude…!" Navi huffed as she righted herself in the air. She landed on Link's shoulder and shot Vaati a murderous glare. "Link, this guy is lower than the worms that live in the dirt! I think it's time you opened a can of whoop-ass on him!"

The hero twirled his sword in his hand. "I was already planning on it. On top of kidnapping _my_ fiancée, he also blackmailed her into marrying him with something horrible enough to make even _you_ feel sympathy for her! That's reason enough for me to end his miserable life!" He bared his teeth at the wind mage and crouched into an offensive stance.

"Prepare yourself, fruitcake!" he yelled before uttering his trademark 'Hyaaa!' and launching himself at Vaati. He slashed at the wind mage, but his sword only whistled through air as Vaati abruptly vanished. Link whirled around and saw that Vaati had teleported behind him with Zelda and was floating high out of his reach, supported by his wind magic.

"Hey! Put me _down_!" Zelda demanded as she tried to pry Vaati's arm from around her waist.

"Coward!" Link barked.

"Coward?" Vaati repeated as he held out his unoccupied hand, a dark magic orb beginning to form at his fingertips. "You should be thanking me. If I hadn't moved, you might have struck Zelda. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?" He laughed as he fired the dark sphere at Link. The hero readied himself to swing the Master Sword at the spell and send it straight back to its source.

"Link, don't! It might hit Zelda!" Navi yelled.

Link cursed and quickly jumped to the side as the orb whirred past him and exploded against the wall. Vaati laughed wickedly as he readied another attack, this time a fireball.

"He's using her as a meat shield!" Navi said incredulously.

Zelda stiffened. "A _meat_ _shield_? I will _not_ be used in such a demeaning manner!" She rounded on wind mage and promptly delivered a vicious right hook to the side of his jaw.

Vaati's head snapped to the side from the sheer force of the blow. While the punch hadn't been strong enough to actually injure him, he, like any other sentient being, didn't much appreciate being punched in the face. He turned his head back toward her and shot her an angry look. "Oh, you are going to _regret_ that." he growled as he shifted his hold on her so that her arms were pinned to her sides.

Zelda squirmed about for a moment before realizing that it was a futile effort. So she resorted to kicking him, but found that attacking his shins yielded no results. And the way he was holding her prevented her from reaching his 'tender spot', so what _could_ she do to get away?

The princess was momentarily distracted from her train of thought when one of Vaati's dark spheres managed to hit Link. The hero grunted and stumbled back, wheezing as the effects of the orb crackled through his body painfully.

Zelda bit her lip anxiously. If she didn't get away from Vaati soon, Link would be done for, which in turn meant that both she and Hyrule would be done for as well. And since she didn't want _anyone_ to be done for, she had to come up with something quick. She already knew that using force to get away from Vaati was useless, so she would have to try a different approach. Perhaps something psychological? Telling him something completely outrageous yet still believable might shock him into relinquishing his hold on her, or at least briefly make him cease his attacks on Link so he could figure out a way to save her.

Zelda looked down at Link, who was scrambling away from Vaati's barrage of dark magic and fireballs while the wind mage cackled and continued to rain the magical attacks upon the hero's head.

Wanting to put a stop to the one-sided fight immediately, the princess blurted out the first thing that came into her head.

"I'm pregnant!" she announced. The fireball that Vaati had been about to launch fizzled out as both men turned to stare at her with wide eyes.

Outwardly, Zelda managed to keep a serious expression, but inwardly she was thumping her head against a wall. 'I'm pregnant?' Couldn't she've come up with something a _bit_ less awkward? But then again, it _did_ seem to be the one phrase that could stop any male in his tracks. And it most certainly did. Though shocking Link into inactivity right along with Vaati hadn't been part of her plan. Ah well, at least Vaati's hold had slackened enough for her to pry her arms out of his grasp.

Both men continued staring at her for a moment before simultaneously asking, "_Who__'__s __the __father_?" Then they shot each other confused looks as if to say, 'Wait, it wasn't _you_?' before turning back to her.

Zelda was caught completely by surprise. She hadn't thought that far ahead! "I-I'm not sure…?" she responded, her answer sounding weak even to her own ears.

"Oooh, now she's in _trouble_." Navi giggled in a sing-song voice.

Link was aghast. "Z-Zelda…just how many men have you _been_ with?"

Zelda's eyes widened and she waved a hand at Link frantically. "Wait! That's not what I—"

"No…" Link clenched his fists at his sides and shook his head determinedly. "That doesn't matter! Zelda, I don't care how many men you've slept around with," At this he received an indignant 'hey' from Zelda, but kept talking anyway. "I still love you! And I'll love the baby like it was my own!" Then he perked up. "In fact, I already have a few names picked out for our firstborn! Okay, so I was thinking that if it's a girl—"

"Oh, enough already!" Vaati snapped. "She's obviously bluffing!"

"She is?"

"Of course she is, you fool!"

Link sighed in relief. "Well, that's a load off my mind." Then his features hardened again and he pointed his sword at Vaati. "Now, let's get back to business!"

"If you insist." Vaati grinned evilly and shot a fireball at the hero.

Zelda sighed tiredly as she watched Link run around the room screaming after the attack struck him and lit his behind on fire. It looked like she was going to have to come up with a different way to draw Vaati's attention away from Link (she had given up on the idea of escaping herself). But what else…

The princess had to smother a horrified gasp when the answer suddenly came to her. No! Not _that_! She'd only read about people doing that in books, and while it did always seem to work, she didn't know if she could bring herself to do it. Plus, this was real life! But if she didn't…

She glanced back down at Link and saw that he was having trouble dodging Vaati's attacks while simultaneously trying to put out his flaming rear end.

The sight of Link's hopeless situation suddenly filled her with a newfound sense of determination, and Zelda's hands shot up and clapped onto either side of Vaati's head, twisting it so he was facing her. She didn't take the time to look at his surprised expression as she surged upward. Her mouth was a barely an inch away from his when she abruptly froze. She couldn't do it!

She snapped Vaati's head back in the opposite direction with an audible crack before quickly retracting her hands to her chest. What had she been _thinking_? She couldn't just _kiss_ a demon like him! For all she knew, he could have the ability to cast spells through kissing! She definitely wouldn't put it past a perverted sorcerer like him to have magic like that…

Zelda was so busy with her own thoughts that she didn't notice the smirk that had found its way onto the wind mage's face.

The princess let out a surprised squeak when she felt Vaati's other arm snake around her waist and press her more tightly against him. "I see you've finally come to your senses and realized that you want me." he purred.

"_No_!" she exclaimed, horrified by the very notion. "I was just…um…" The princess was having a hard time coming up with a reasonable sounding excuse for her actions.

Vaati's grin widened. "Oho, so you're _shy_ about these sorts of things. And here I thought that you were so bold. How very interesting."

"Sh-shouldn't you be trying to obliterate Link or something?" Zelda asked, trying to divert the wind mage's attention so she'd have some time to calm herself and figure out her next course of action. Then she mentally slapped herself. The whole point of kissing him (well, attempting to anyway) was to _distract_ him from Link, and here she was trying to do the exact opposite!

Vaati chuckled. "That buffoon? He's still hasn't recovered from my _last_ attack. And it doesn't look like he will for some time."

The princess looked down and saw that Link indeed had yet to put out the flames that were flickering on his tush, and was rather preoccupied with finding a way to do so. Navi, however, had no such priorities and was instead watching everything play out from the sidelines while munching on a piece of popcorn. She made no move to help either party.

Zelda scowled. Useless fairy.

"Now then," Vaati said, bringing her attention back to him. "How shall we go about making you less shy?" He grinned devilishly as he leaned his face down toward hers.

"Don't even _think_ of coming near me with that pasty face of yours." Zelda growled as she pushed herself as far back as she could and turned her face to the side. But Vaati was having none of that, and moved a hand behind her head to pull her back toward him. The princess's arms flailed wildly for a moment before her mental facilities kicked back in and she quickly slapped her hands over Vaati's approaching mouth.

"Link!" Zelda cried out desperately as she struggled to keep Vaati's face away from her.

Link, who had finally managing to put out the fire on his posterior by remembering to 'stop, drop and roll', heard Zelda's cry and immediately shot up from where he'd been lying on the floor. He saw Vaati trying to get some sugar from _his_ one true love and was instantly on his feet with the Master Sword drawn.

"Quite the spectacle, isn't it?" Navi asked as she nibbled on her popcorn.

The hero swiveled his head toward the fairy and gave her an astounded look. "Have you just been _watching_ this entire time? Why haven't you done anything to try and stop him_?_!"

"Normally I would've, but contrary to what you might think after my embarrassing display a couple of minutes ago, I'm still not on very good terms with Princess Fussy Britches up there. Therefore, I fully intend to enjoy the show. I mean c'mon, it's not like a _kiss_ is going to hurt her."

"How do you know he's not some kind of incubus that sucks out a person's soul by kissing_?_!" Link demanded. "Just look at him! He's not natural!"

"He's just a violet-tinted albino with a fetish for purple clothes." The fairy wagged a small finger at Link and tsked disapprovingly. "You really shouldn't judge people based on their looks, that's superficial you know."

"Don't you patronize me!" Link snapped.

"LINK!" Zelda shrieked. Link's head snapped up to see that Vaati had finally managed to pry Zelda's hands away from his mouth and was going in for the kill.

"Oh no you don't!" Link whipped out his slingshot and loaded it with a protesting Navi. "Go, _Navi __Rocket_!" he yelled as he shot the screeching fairy straight at Vaati.

The shot was true, and Navi slammed right into Vaati's puckered lips. The wind mage's visible eye bugged out, and he let out a muffled yell as he tried to claw Navi off with both hands. Zelda let out a small 'eep' when she suddenly found that she had nothing supporting her, and promptly fell straight down into Link's waiting arms.

Link crushed her to his chest and twirled around giddily before setting her on her feet. "Hello, my honey!" he greeted her cheerfully, happy to finally have her back in his arms where she belonged.

Zelda was just a tad disoriented from her sudden fall and then being whirled around in what could very well be a variation of Link's spin attack. "Oh, um…hello." she responded blearily.

Vaati finally managed to rip Navi off his face and hurled her away from him. Then he spat and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, disgusted that his lips had been sullied by such a lowly creature.

Navi was of much the same opinion as she pulled out a giant bottle of extra-strong minty mouthwash and began guzzling it. Once she'd polished off the bottle, she turned an infuriated look toward Link, who was busy cuddling a grouchy looking Zelda.

"How _dare_ you use me as ammunition for your stupid slingshot_?_!" she demanded shrilly. "Do you know where I landed? Right on Vaati's kisser! I have never felt so violated in my entire _life_!"

Link looked up from where he'd buried his face in Zelda's hair and blinked. "But didn't you say that kissing isn't a big deal?"

"His lips are bigger than my _head_!"

"So?"

"So? _So__?_! What you did is absolutely unforgivable, and I for one—!" Navi's rant was cut short when Vaati chose that moment to materialize before them.

"Loathe that I am to say it, I have to agree with the repugnant fairy. What you did _is_ unforgivable, and I will make sure that you suffer a lifetime's worth of pain for it." Vaati held up a clawed hand, and tendrils of darkness began emanating from his palm. Link quickly pushed Zelda behind him and reached for his sword.

The tendrils suddenly burst from Vaati's hand and wrapped around Link, enveloping him in dark cocoon. Zelda let out a horrified gasp and instinctively tried to expel the dark magic with a counteractive light spell, only to be sharply reminded that her magic had been sealed when she couldn't tap into her power.

She and Navi could only watch in helpless apprehension as the cocoon pulsed a few times before melting off of Link's body and creating a puddle on the floor beside him. Link instantly leapt back and unsheathed his sword, leveling it at the pulsating mass of…_something_. He looked over at Vaati, all the while keeping his sword pointed at the dark blob. "What did you _do_?" he demanded.

Vaati folded his arms and gave a haughty smirk. "You'll see."

Everyone's eyes were glued to the mysterious puddle as it rose and slowly began to take form, gradually morphing into a humanoid shape. It gave one last pulse before dissolving to reveal the figure underneath.

There was a collective gasp from everyone except Vaati when they beheld what the dark ooze had created. Before them stood an exact replica of Link - the only differences being its light grey skin, silver hair, and black tunic and cap.

Vaati motioned toward his creation. "Allow me to introduce Dark Link. He will be your opponent now." The dark doppelganger's eyes snapped open, its glowing red gaze fixed onto Link.

* * *

**Ha HA! I actually married them! _Just_ to avert the age-old cliché of the hero arriving just in time to crash the bad guy's wedding! …okay, that's not _entirely_ true. My love of the Vaati x Zelda pairing _may_ have had something to do with it. But fear not, Vaati x Zelda haters! The main focus of the story is still going to be on Link and Zelda's…erm, romance. Or _whatever_ you'd call it.**

**I'm actually still trying to decide whether or not Link and Zelda should end up together, since I seem to have as many reviewers who want them to as there are who don't. So I've decided to solve this dilemma by letting _you_, the readers, vote on it.**

**Now, I know that a lot of you are too shy/lazy to leave reviews stating your opinion, so I've put up a poll on my profile. My thoughts are that having a poll will probably net me a lot more feedback since it's both anonymous and quick. But know this…starting now, if you leave a review that tells me your preference, I'll also count that as a vote. Reviewers get the special benefit of being able to cast _two_ votes, one on the poll, and one in a review! =D**

**I have to warn you though, if Link and Zelda _do_ end up together, it'll most likely be a very hasty and underdeveloped romance, since having a genuine romance wasn't exactly the focus of this story from the get-go. But who knows, maybe I could end up surprising myself and actually doing a half-decent job of writing it if that's the way the voting pans out. XD**

**So head on over to my profile and vote now if you want to have a say in how the story will turn out!**

**(1) Okay, so the price of Tingle's maps in Majora's Mask weren't _that_ bad (depending on when/where you bought them), but the price he charged to decipher all of those Triforce Charts in Wind Waker…GAH! Even if it's virtual, I'm an extremely frugal person who likes to hoard money like a dragon. And that greedy little imp took over 3,000 of my hard-earned rupees! Oooh, how I _loathe_ him…and don't even get me started on how he was always trying to steal my force gems in Four Swords Adventures!**

**(2) Eh, I know there's probably a lot more to being legally married than that, but I did a little bit of research and found that the rituals and requirements vary depending on where you live and what kind of wedding you want. And since Hyrule is in a fictional world, I decided to just go with a few of the basics. The only thing I can think of that I left out knowingly is having a witness, but like I said, different world, different rules.**

**(3) Sorry Vio… :P**


	20. Chapter 19

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 19 of The Love Potion! I apologize for the incredible lateness of this chapter, and would like to thank all of you for being so patient. I'd also like to thank all of my amazing reviewers for their feedback. Thank you:**

**Demonologist666  
****Tanoshiix3  
****Scyfy girl  
****AlteaAuroraRia  
****Fuzzylogic11  
****Samantha  
****Fangora the Dragon  
****XxSheik13xX  
****OuranFruitsluvr  
****Link-the-lightbringer  
****MissCrazyBlond  
****xxx  
****tadgh  
****Aressia  
****Kittypryde**

**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of the characters.**

* * *

Link and his dark doppelganger stared each other down, their gazes so intense that the onlookers swore that they could see visible lines of blue and red energy crackling between them.

The heated staring contest went on for the span of five seconds before Link abruptly let out a loud snort, effectively breaking the tense atmosphere. "What? Is that all? All of that buildup for _him_?" The hero turned and placed a hand on Zelda's back, steering her toward the remains of the door. "Come on Zelda, let's get you out of here. You've been stuck in this drafty old castle long enough."

"But we can't leave now!" Zelda protested, digging in her heels. "Who knows what kind of havoc those two will wreak on Hyrule if we just leave them be!"

Navi turned toward the princess in disbelief. "Are you actually saying that you want to _stay_?" Then she gave Zelda a scrutinizing look. "Waaait…you haven't developed Stockholm syndrome, have you?"

The princess blanched. "Oh _goddesses_, no! Believe me, I would love _nothing_ more than to leave right now. However, _I_ have the future of an entire kingdom to think about." Zelda folded her arms and turned up her nose at the fairy. "But I guess someone like you wouldn't understand anything about responsibility."

"I happen to know _plenty_ about responsibility, thank you very much!" Navi snapped. She jerked a small thumb toward Link. "It's one of the main reasons I haven't left this guy's sorry butt yet."

Link shot Navi a scowl, but otherwise disregarded her comment as he continued to gently but firmly usher Zelda toward the door. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I'll come back and beat the crap out of both of them after I get you somewhere where the purple freak can't get a hold of you." he told her reassuringly.

The princess didn't even get a chance to respond as a blast of magic abruptly exploded in front of their feet. Zelda gave a start while Link merely glanced over is shoulder irritably. "What do _you_ want?" he asked, giving Vaati the stink eye.

The wind mage lowered his hand. "I don't recall giving you permission to leave." he said coolly. Then his eyes narrowed. "And what did you mean by _drafty_? I'll have you know that this palace is very well insulated!"

"Feh, like we need _your_ permission to do anything." Link scoffed before snatching up Zelda's hand and continuing his march toward the door.

Vaati made a sweeping motion with his hand, and Link smacked face-first into the translucent purple barrier that was now covering the doorway. "I think you'll find that none of you will be able to go anywhere without my say-so," the wind mage informed him smugly. "so I suggest you put up a good fight against your dark side if you hope to even have a chance of escaping."

"Oh, _come on_!" Link groaned as he peeled his face off the barrier, his voice slightly nasally from having his nose briefly flattened. "You don't honestly expect me to fight that guy, do you? I already beat him when I went through the Water Temple a while back. He's old hat."

Vaati was taken aback. "Are you saying that you've already fought your dark side?" he asked incredulously. "And _won_?"

"Well…yeah."

"But that's impossible! He's your _dark side_! An evil being with all of your fighting prowess and skills; an even match for you in every way!"

"Who I killed off in the Water Temple a while back. Navi was there, she can back me up."

Navi tapped her chin in thought. "Mm, I don't know if I'd say that you _killed_ him, but you certainly did beat him. Which is why it was kinda surprising to see him pop out of that black gunk. But I guess it must have something to do with all that philosophical 'never being able to truly beat your dark side' mumbo-jumbo."

"Well, that's annoying." Link grumbled, before turning his attention back to Vaati. "But yeah, when you had all of that weird black magic stuff going on, I honestly thought that you were summoning some sort of evil abomination from the pits of hell or something."

Zelda gave Link's arm a sharp pinch. "Don't give him any ideas!" she hissed, not liking the contemplative look that had appeared on Vaati's face. Link merely rubbed where she'd pinched and continued talking.

"But when I saw that you were just conjuring up something I'd already beaten…well, that was actually kind of a let down. I mean, it'd be _boring_ to have to fight him again. Haven't you got anything more interesting?"

Zelda gave a dismayed groan while Navi smacked the back of Link's head, knocking his cap askew. "Don't _ask_ him to make our job harder, you nimrod!" the fairy scolded fiercely.

Vaati gave the hero a sour look. "Well, we'll just see how long you can keep up that cocky attitude of yours." he sneered, and pointed a pale finger at Link. "Dark Link! Attack!"

There was no response.

Vaati jabbed his finger at Link again. "I said attack!"

Still, Dark Link did not assail his lighter counterpart. The wind mage glanced over to where Dark Link was standing, only to find that he had vanished. "Where did he go_?_!"

A quick survey of the room found Dark Link sitting in a corner with his hands wrapped around his knees, his back to everyone as squiggly lines of depression hovered over him. "He called me old hat." he mumbled dejectedly.

Zelda blinked. "When did he get over there?"

Navi shrugged. "Eh, most likely right after Link insulted him. We probably just didn't notice because we were too busy talking about him to actually pay attention to him."

"…that's kind of sad."

"Isn't it?"

Unlike the two girls, Vaati couldn't care less about how or when Dark Link had ended up in his corner of woe. "What do you think you're doing_?_!" he demanded of the dark entity angrily. "I told you to attack!"

Dark Link didn't answer as he continued to sulk.

"Are you even listening to me? Kill him!"

For a moment, it looked like Dark Link wasn't going to acknowledge Vaati's command. Then he slowly began to get up from the floor, unsheathing his sword as he rose.

A malevolent grin spread across Vaati's face. "Yes, arise my minion, and dispose of that meddlesome hero!" he cackled gleefully.

"Yeesh, what a ham…" Navi muttered, rolling her eyes at the wind mage's theatrics.

Dark Link turned and stood still for a moment, his sword hanging loosely from his hand. Then he raised it and made a long cut on his own arm.

There was a brief moment of shocked silence. Then Vaati shouted, "Are you mentally challenged_?_! Cut _him_, not yourself!"

Dark Link didn't even look up as he made another cut on his arm. "Leave me alone. This is an outlet for my pain." he said monotonously.

"_What_ pain?" Vaati demanded, having little to no patience for Dark Link's shenanigans.

"The pain of being an outcast from society, just a shadow of another being, never to live my own life or have dreams of my own."

As Dark Link spoke, a feeling of dreariness settled over the room. Zelda shuddered and rubbed her arms. "What's with this guy? His gloominess is practically tangible!" She glanced over at Link. "Was it like this when you fought him in the Water Temple?"

The hero looked thoughtful. "Well, he never really talked when we fought…but I do recall the room I found him in having a really dark and depressing feel to it."

"Yeah, and as I remember it, the room lost the doom and gloom feel as soon as he disappeared." Navi added.

Dark Link let out a despondent sigh. "Life is meaningless." He went to cut his arm again.

Vaati quickly teleported over to Dark Link and snatched the sword from his hand before whacking the dark being over the head with it. Dark Link winced and clapped his hands over his head. "Stop moping and fight! That's what you were created for!" Vaati snarled.

Dark Link continued to hold his head as he glared at Vaati. "You're not the boss of me! I don't have to listen to you."

Vaati's face turned a brilliant shade of red. "You impertinent little—!"

"Oh, stop it already!" Zelda cut in crossly. "If he doesn't want to fight us, then don't make him. It'll save everyone the trouble of Link beating him."

The wind mage shot the princess a glare. "You stay out of this." he hissed.

Dark Link's shoulders slumped. "She's right though; it's no use. He's just going to crush me again, and then I'll disappear back into the void as a failure in every sense of the word. There's no way I can defeat him." Impossible as it seemed, Dark Link's demeanor became even more doleful with every word.

Vaati grimaced and took a step away from the squiggly lines of depression that had begun to emanate from Dark Link again. "Well not with that attitude you won't." He paused, a thoughtful expression appearing on his face. "Hold on, I think I may know how to resolve this issue. Nobody move until I get back." He snapped his fingers and phased out of the room.

Everyone exchanged awkward looks.

"…so, what do we do now?" Navi asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Well, it's not like we can go anywhere with that barrier covering the door." Link dug into his belt pouch and pulled out a deck of cards. "Anyone up for Old Maid?"

* * *

When Vaati teleported back from his mysterious errand, he was greeted with the sight of everyone sitting in a circle on the floor holding playing cards.

"Got any eights?"

"Go fish."

"What is this?" Vaati growled as he stomped over to the group.

Link looked up. "We're playing Go Fish. We were originally gonna play Old Maid, but Dark Link decided to be a party pooper and refused to play anything but this. You wanna play?"

"No!"

"Too bad." Link turned his attention back to his cards. "Got any threes?" Dark Link silently handed over one of his cards.

Vaati ground his teeth in aggravation. Was no one taking this seriously? He flicked his wrist and a mini tornado appeared smack dab in the middle of the circle, the violent winds ripping the cards from their hands and sending them whirling into the air like leaves.

"Hey! What'd you do that for_?_!" Navi exclaimed. "I was winning!"

"People who are in your position shouldn't be playing children's card games." Vaati informed the lot of them icily.

Zelda shot him an annoyed look as she got up and dusted off her dress. "It was just a way to pass the time."

"Yeah, what did you expect us to do, just stand around and twiddle our thumbs?" Navi chimed in.

"It would have been a more fitting pastime than what you were doing!" the wind mage snapped testily before directing his angry gaze at Dark Link. "And you! What do you think you're doing, fraternizing with the enemy?"

Dark Link's perpetual frown deepened. "Go Fish is one of the few things in life that makes me feel something besides the deep misery that my soul is constantly immersed in." he said morosely.

Vaati slapped a hand over his face in exasperation. "I should've known it was too much to hope that you might have a half-decent explanation." He lowered his hand. "But no matter, I have devised a way to remedy that annoyingly sullen personality of yours."

Before anyone could blink the wind mage had teleported in front of Dark Link and slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. The darker Link staggered back, a glowing red symbol on his brow. His eyes widened and his body became rigid as it dissolved into his grey skin.

"Oh great, more magic." Link grumbled. "What'd you do this time, give him a power boost?"

"No, I just altered his personality a bit."

"You _altered_ his personality?" Zelda gasped, appalled at the very notion. "In what way?"

"I placed a spell on him that will cause him to develop an overwhelming sense of confidence."

"Oh, so _that's_ why you left." Link realized. "You were looking up a spell to make him less of a whiny sourpuss!"

"…yes, I suppose that's one way of putting it. And now that he has no doubt that he can win, he'll have little trouble killing you and your contemptible fairy!" Vaati grinned sinisterly.

"What_?_!" Navi exclaimed. "Why me too?"

"Because you annoy me." Vaati replied, as if the answer were obvious.

"That's not a valid reason!"

"To you, maybe."

"No, that—"

"HEY!"

Everyone's heads swiveled to look at Dark Link. He had crossed his arms and was giving them all a pointed look. "You people are in the presence of the most awesome person to ever walk the face of the earth! So what're you doing standing there yammering like the awesome me isn't even here, huh?"

"Holy crap, he's a completely different person!" Link exclaimed.

"That spell must be some potent stuff to make his personality do a one-eighty like that!" Navi said in an awed voice.

Vaati smiled wickedly. "Yes, very potent indeed. Now you will all know the true wrath of the powers of darkness! Dark Link! Kill Link and the fairy!"

Dark Link scoffed. "I am _way_ too awesome to be bossed around by someone as un-awesome as you."

Link burst out laughing as Vaati's jaw dropped. "Ahahaha! Looks like he still isn't gonna listen to you!" the hero exclaimed gleefully. "I guess this means that I won't have to fight him after all."

"Oh no, we're gonna fight." Dark Link assured his light side. "Just on my own terms. After all, I want to prove that I'm the superior Link. But first…" he turned and gazed in Zelda's direction.

Zelda's eyes widened when the dark doppelganger began walking toward her. Oh dear Nayru, why was he coming toward her? He wasn't the kind of dark side that manifested the light side's darkest desires, was he? That would be _very_ bad news for her. But he hadn't shown any interest before! Then again, that could probably be attributed to the fact that he had been a brooding sourpuss with no self-confidence up until a few minutes ago. And now that he was brimming over with confidence…

"N-no, stay away!" she exclaimed, throwing up her hands defensively and taking a step back from the approaching dark being.

Then she blinked in confusion when Dark Link walked right past her. Wait, what? She turned around and saw him picking up his sword from where Vaati had dropped it on the ground earlier. He glanced at her and saw the look of confusion on her face.

"What's with that look?" he asked.

"Oh, um…it's nothing…"

"She thought you were gonna jump her bones!" Navi informed him gleefully, unable to hide her delight at her latest endeavor to make Zelda's life as miserable as possible.

Zelda let out a horrified gasp. "Navi!"

"'Jump her bones'?" Dark Link gave Zelda an appraising look, to which Link growled and wrapped his hand around the hilt of his sword. After a moment of examining the princess, the dark being looked away and shrugged. "…nah, she's not my type."

This statement was met with looks of complete shock. "…eh?"

"What, you didn't hear me? I said—"

"No, no, we heard you." Navi assured him. "It's just…kind of odd."

Dark Link raised an eyebrow. "How do you figure that?"

"Well, lately Zelda's been attracting a lot of unwanted suitors. It's gotten to the point where it's almost like a running gag of sorts. So for you to not be showing any kind of interest is a bit of a shocker."

Dark Link stared at the fairy blankly for a few seconds before suddenly pounding the bottom of his fist into his palm, a look of understanding dawning on his face. "Ohhh, so she's one of those girls who thinks she's _everyone's_ type!" He turned to the princess with a sneer. "Well, I hate to break it to ya, princess, but just because you're royalty and are under the impression that you're the most beautiful woman in the land doesn't automatically make you everyone's cup of tea. But of course, how could you know that? Daddy probably threatened to chop off the heads of anyone who said otherwise."

Link sprang forward and seized the collar of Dark Link's tunic. "Don't you _dare_ talk about her like that!" he shouted angrily, his grip tightening to the point of his knuckles turning white. "Zelda _is_ the most beautiful woman in the land!"

Dark Link gave his light side a bored look, clearly not the least bit intimidated by Link's death grip on his tunic nor his flaring nostrils. "Pfff, says you. Don't get all up in my grill just because I don't share your same horrible taste in woman."

At this Vaati stepped forward and roughly shoved Link to the side. "Are you implying that my taste in women is flawed?" he demanded of the dark double, a hint of a growl in his voice.

"Oh, so you think she's hot stuff too?" Dark Link shot the wind mage a cheeky grin. "Then maybe I am."

Vaati's face contorted into an enraged snarl as he stepped back. "You've just crossed me for the last time." he growled as surges of dark energy began dancing at his fingertips. "It's smiting time."

Link darted behind Dark Link and put him in a headlock. "Aim for his heart, okay?"

"You don't have to tell me that." Vaati leveled his hand at Dark Link's chest and prepared to release his magic, fully intent on erasing the dark being from this world.

"_Hold it_."

All three men turned to look at Zelda, who was wearing an unreadable expression on her face. "Let him go." she commanded, her voice exuding absolute authority. The hero instantly complied and backed away as Zelda advanced on them. She stopped right in front of Dark Link and looked him directly in the eye, and to Dark Link's credit, he only flinched a little before re-adopting his previous cocky expression.

"So you're saying that you have no interest in me whatsoever?" Zelda asked.

"Nope."

"Not even a little?"

"Not even the tiniest smidge."

"That…" Zelda paused, her face wavering between different emotions. "…is the most _refreshing_ thing I've heard in a long time!" she exclaimed, a beaming smile blooming on her face.

Everyone in the room stared at her like she'd grown a second head.

In answer to their dumbfounded looks, Zelda explained, "As Navi mentioned, I've had no end of troublesome men coming after me and attempting to…_woo_ me as of late. Or in some cases, kidnap me and threaten me into marrying them." She shot Vaati a nasty glare, to which he scoffed and looked away haughtily. The princess switched her gaze back to Dark Link. "As you can imagine, that kind of constant harassment can wear on a person's nerves after a while. But you, you haven't even the slightest intention of forcing me into any sort of relationship with you. You're like a breath of fresh air!" Zelda clasped her hands and tiny hearts sprang into her eyes. "I think I'm in love!"

A chorus of shocked exclamations rang throughout the room as Zelda continued to gaze at Dark Link adoringly, who was looking a bit shocked himself.

Link was the first to recover. "No!" he cried as he rushed forward and threw his arms around the infatuated princess. "Zelda, you can't fall in love with him! _I'm_ your soul mate. Plus, he's _evil_!"

It was Link's last statement that snapped Zelda out of her enamored state, and her hand flew up to her mouth in shock. "You're right! What was I _thinking_?" Then she noticed that Link was hugging her and promptly socked him in the jaw. "Hands off." she growled as he stumbled back a few steps.

Dark Link, having gotten over his initial shock just seconds prior, grinned and smoothed back his bangs. "Well, I can't say that I'm surprised that she fell for my ultra-manly charms. After all, I'm pretty much the embodiment of what women want; tall, dark, and sexy."

"I think it's supposed to be tall, dark, and handsome." Navi corrected him.

"Sexy describes me better."

Navi rolled her eyes. "Suuure it does." she said, her tone clearly indicating that she thought otherwise.

Vaati folded his arms across his chest. "Well, all I can say is that it's a good thing you returned to your senses as soon as you did." he told Zelda. "I wouldn't have tolerated having an adulterous wife."

Navi let out a snort of laughter, and Vaati shot her a venomous look. "And just what is so funny?" he asked irritably.

"It's just so funny to hear something like that coming from _you_." the fairy giggled.

Vaati raised an eyebrow. "I fail to see the humor."

"Well, I guess that under normal circumstances it wouldn't be all that funny." she admitted. "But you see, _I_ happen to know a thing or two about your past."

The wind mage stiffened, his sharp fingernails digging into his arms as he let out a low hiss. How much did the fairy know?

Navi saw the apprehensive look on the wind mage's face and knew that she'd struck a nerve. "Oh yes, I read _all_ about you and your little habit of abducting any girl that caught your fancy. You were quite the philanderer back in your day, weren't you?"

Vaati's tense expression eased up, and he held back a sigh of relief. The fairy didn't seem to know anything about his less than impressive origins. Good. The less people who knew about _that_, the better.

"I'll bet he had to resort to kidnapping them because none of them would agree to come willingly!" Dark Link laughed.

"Those poor girls…" Zelda said, her voice full of pity.

"'Those poor girls'? Aren't you one of them?" Navi asked. Her question was ignored.

Vaati sniffed haughtily. "What I do in my free time is my business and mine alone."

"Not when my Zelda is involved, it isn't!" Link exclaimed angrily, whipping out his bow and nocking an arrow in one fluid movement before aiming it at Vaati's face. "It really is beyond me how anyone could ever even _think_ of looking at another woman when someone as perfect as Zelda is right in front of them!"

"Ah ah, none of that now." Vaati chided, placing his finger on the tip of the arrow and pushing the bow to the side. "You have to defeat Dark Link before you can challenge me."

"Screw that, I'll just take you out now and fight him later! Hell, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll disappear when you do, seeing how it was your magic that summoned him!"

"Oh, so you don't want to abide by the rules? Then I suppose I'll just have to take measures to make sure that you have no choice but to follow them." Vaati made a sweeping motion, and another transparent purple barrier formed, only this time it cut the room into two sections, with Link, Navi, and Dark Link on one side, and Vaati and Zelda on the other.

Zelda gasped and pressed her hands against the barrier. "Link!"

"Zelda!" Link ran over to where Zelda was standing and pounded on his side of the barrier. He saw the distraught look on the princess's face and automatically assumed it was due to the fact that she'd been separated from him. In reality, she was more bothered by the fact that she was trapped alone on the side of the barrier that contained Vaati. "Don't worry, I'll get rid of this wall that's keeping us apart!" he declared passionately.

"If you want the barrier to be expelled, you'll have to defeat Dark Link." Vaati walked over to his throne and seated himself upon it, leaning his elbow on the armrest and resting his cheek on his knuckles. Then he casually waved his other hand toward the combatants. "You may begin at any time."

* * *

**Alrighty then, here's a quick update on where we stand with the voting for whether or not Link and Zelda should end up together.**

**Votes for Yes:  
****11**

**Votes for No:  
****8**

**So, is the voting going the way you were hoping it would? If not, you still have a chance to cast your vote or use that second vote option I mentioned at the end of the last chapter. I'll be closing the poll and not officially counting any suggestions for pairings after I post the next chapter, so vote while you still can!**

**Oh, and there's just one more thing that I'd like to address. A few people seemed to have concerns about Vaati and Zelda ending up together (or something along those lines), and that's probably due to the fact that I admitted having a weakness for the pairing in Chapter 18. However, there is no need to worry. Zelda _hates_ him in this story, and not in the gradually-warming-up-to-him kind of way either. He's the only one expressing an interest, and it's a pretty shallow one at that. I never had any intention of them being a couple, so I'm sorry if anything I wrote made it come off that way. However, that doesn't mean that I can't indulge in a little one-sided ship teasing for myself and the few others who share my guilty little pleasure. XD**


	21. Chapter 20

**Konnichiwa! Welcome to Chapter 20 of The Love Potion! Wow, has it really been almost eight months since I last updated? Sorry about that, I didn't mean to make you guys wait so long, I swear it!**

**Now, I'd like to thank all of the incredible people who have reviewed since I posted Chapter 19 oh so very long ago. Thank you:**

**Hazelnholly  
Tanoshiix3  
Some Moron  
GuideLucario  
Herky61  
Aressia  
xxxDreamingflowerxxx  
SectumsempraSammy  
Guest 1  
Maraya Prower  
Guest 2  
****AlteaAuroraRia  
Seyrin  
DwellonErised  
Lady Meli-Bee  
KawaiiOtakuChick  
Intelligent Zelink Fan  
tadgh  
link  
thisplaceilove  
Tsuna 4 Cn4s**  


**Obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or any of the characters.**

* * *

"Now just hold everything!" Navi exclaimed. "Pitting these two muscle heads against each other is all well and good, but why am _I_ stuck over here too? Isn't this a mano-a-mano fight?"

"I have no intention of letting any of you pathetic do-gooders leave this place alive." Vaati replied with a sneer.

"Then why isn't Zelda over here too?"

The wind mage waved a hand dismissively. "She's an exception. After all, I wouldn't want my little wife to get caught in the crossfire, now would I?"

Zelda bristled. "Don't call me that!" she snapped. "And I'd rather not be an 'exception' if it means being anywhere near _you_, you disgusting piece of slime."

Vaati pursed his lips but said nothing.

Navi scowled and turned her attention to the two Links she was trapped with. Link was still staring through the barrier at Zelda with the biggest doe-eyes the fairy had ever seen, while Dark Link was eyeing his lighter half the same way a butcher might a chunk of meat that he was about to hack and chop into little bitty pieces.

The fairy grimaced. Well, it had been nice knowing Link. His power of love crap wouldn't be able to save him now. Plus, in her experience, power of love related things usually had to have both parties reciprocating the love, which didn't really seem to be the case here.

Dark Link twirled his sword in his hand and grinned. "Hey, blondie! You gonna keep makin' goo-goo eyes at your girlfriend over there or are you gonna face me like a man?"

Link didn't even bother turning around as he offhandedly made a shooing motion in Dark Link's general direction. "I'll get to you in a minute. Right now Zelda needs my emotional support!"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Link, I'll be _fine_."

"B-but what if the fruitcake tries something while I'm not looking?"

"Then I'll handle it! Besides, it's not like you'd actually be able to do anything about it with this barrier in the way. Just focus on defeating Dark Link for now."

"But I…"

"Hey! Stop talking to the stupid broad and fight me already!" Dark Link demanded, irritated at being ignored.

Link stiffened. Then he slowly tilted his head back until he was giving his dark side a wide-eyed glare out of the corner of his eye. "What did you just say?"

"What, now you're deaf as well as dumb? I _said_, stop talking to the stupid broad and—"

Link whipped the whole way around to face Dark Link. "Stupid broad?" he growled out. "_Stupid broad?_ How _dare_ you call my wonderful Zelda something so disrespectful_?_!" The hero marched toward his dark clone, pulling off his left gauntlet as he went. "For insulting my future wife, I challenge you to a fight to the death!" Then he promptly smacked Dark Link across the face with the gauntlet.

"Ow!" The dark doppelganger staggered back a few steps and rubbed at his swelling cheek as he shot glare at his lighter counterpart. "Oh, I see what you're doing; you're trying to show me up with that fancy chivalry stuff!"

Link scoffed as he slid his gauntlet back into place. "Show you up? Please, I do that just by existing. No, I'm doing this for Zelda! Girls love it when men fight for their honor!"

Zelda pursed her lips. She wanted to object and say that offhandedly being insulted seemed a bit too trivial a reason to initiate a full-fledged duel (the gauntlet slap itself had more than satisfied her as punishment for the slander), but it seemed to do the job of getting Link to take the fight seriously, so she'd keep quiet for now. There would be plenty of time to point out his many blunders later.

"No, I show you up by being the most awesome!" Dark Link retorted heatedly. "I accept your challenge, even though I was planning on fighting you anyway! Now show me what you got, blondie! Haaaa!" He charged forward as he let out a resounding battle cry.

"Hyaaaa!" Link answered with a battle cry of his own as he dashed forward to meet his opponent, their swords clashing in a shower of sparks. As they parted, Dark Link's leg swept out in an attempt to trip Link, but Link jumped over it and retaliated by stabbing at his dark side's ribs, which Dark Link avoided with a quick sidestep.

Navi looked on in surprise. Link was actually holding his own against his more bloodthirsty counterpart! That was certainly unexpected. If she didn't know better, she might actually mistake him for the competent swordsman he'd been before the love potion had screwed him up. At this rate he might actually have a chance, especially since he seemed angry, which was usually pretty helpful in fights like this. All that was really left to do now was sit back and see who would come out of this as the winner.

* * *

"…I can't believe they're still going at it." Navi said in disbelief. "How long have they been fighting for, anyway?"

"I'm guessing probably about an hour." Zelda answered from where she'd taken a seat on a large piece of rubble. "What amazes me is that neither of them have slowed down even a little. Where do they get all of that energy from?"

"Hmph. And here I was expecting that this would be quick. I'm going to be late for my nail appointment at this rate." Vaati groused.

Zelda and Navi both shot the wind mage a strange look.

"What? You think these nails file themselves?" Vaati asked, holding up a hand to show off his perfectly buffed and polished fingernails, which had been carefully filed into fierce-looking points. They almost seemed to twinkle in their perfection. Then the wind mage frowned when he saw that, upon closer inspection, one of his nails had a near-microscopic chip in it. That nail instantly lost its sparkly quality. "…well, I see no reason why I can't still make my appointment. It's not like I _have_ to stay here and monitor things, since nobody will be able to go anywhere as long as the barriers are in place." He glanced up at Zelda. "Care to join me?"

"_No_ thank you." the princess responded curtly.

The wind mage shrugged. "Suit yourself then. I'll be back in about an hour or so." And with that, Vaati teleported away.

"…that guy seriously cares way too much about his image." Navi said.

Zelda sighed and rested her chin on her palm. "You have _no_ idea."

* * *

"Ugh, now they've been going at it for almost _two _hours!" Navi groaned. "At this point I honestly don't care who wins anymore."

"Navi!" Zelda scolded. "How can you say such a thing? If Link loses then all of Hyrule will be doomed!"

The fairy pouted. "I know, but I'm _bored_. It was fun to watch for the first fifteen minutes or so, but then it just started getting predictable. For instance, as soon as Link dodges this next blow, Dark Link will do a spin attack which Link will block with his shield." Her statement was followed by the resonating sound of metal clanging as Dark Link's sword bounced off of Link's raised shield. "See?"

"Well if you're so bored, then why don't you go help Link out?"

"Mmn…I'm not so keen on getting close to a guy who has explicit orders to kill me."

The princess scoffed. "That's a load of bull and you know it. Do you really think that Dark Link is actually going to do anything that _Vaati_ tells him to?"

"…he still might do it anyway…"

Zelda sighed tiredly and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, right now he's completely focused on defeating Link, so killing you probably isn't at the top of his list of priorities, if it was even on there to begin with. So why don't you fly over there and make yourself useful by pulling Dark Link's hat down over his eyes or something?"

Much to her chagrin, Navi found that she really couldn't argue with logic like that. "Oh, all right." she grouched, flying over to the dueling Links. She hovered over them for a brief moment before diving down and yanking Dark Link's cap down over his eyes.

"What the—what's going on here_?_! I can't see!" the dark copy yelled, slashing his sword around wildly. Navi yelped and beat a hasty retreat before the deadly piece of metal could slice a wing off. Link, however, wasn't so fortunate.

"Gah!"

"Link!" Zelda cried out in horror.

Unprepared for Dark Link's sudden barrage of haphazard swings and unable to read his wild movements, Link's sword had been knocked out of his hand and clear across the room. The following flurry of slashes forced him to go on the defensive as he ducked behind his shield, unable to go retrieve his sword for fear of exposing his back to Dark Link's berserker swordplay.

Dark Link finally stopped swinging long enough to wrench his hat from over his eyes. His face broke out in a savage grin when he saw his light side's predicament, and he began to attack him with a renewed vigor, specifically aiming for Link's unguarded legs.

"Huh…maybe I should've pulled the hat over _Link's_ eyes instead." Navi mused, watching as Link was forced to jump over all of Dark Link's swings and stabs while simultaneously trying to crouch behind his shield. It looked like they were playing a strange variation of jump rope, except the rope was a sharp piece of metal that could slice off Link's legs if his concentration slipped even a little.

"Ah well, I suppose I should do something to fix this." The fairy reached behind her back and pulled out a giant horseshoe-shaped magnet, which she promptly aimed at the darker Link.

Dark Link was just about to take another swipe at his light side's feet when his sword was abruptly wrenched from his hand by some unseen force. "Hey! My sword!" He spun around and saw that Link's mouthy fairy had used a giant magnet to steal his weapon.

…how in Din's name was a small sprite like her even able to _carry_ that thing?

He charged at the conniving little ball of light, intent on taking back his blade until Link tackled him to the ground. "Let go of me! I've gotta get my sword back!" the dark doppelganger snarled as he tried to claw his way out from under Link.

"There's no way I'm gonna let you get the upper hand again!" Link growled, tightening his hold.

Dark Link twisted his torso around and shoved at the hero's head. "I said let go!"

"Never!"

Dark Link threw his weight to the side, breaking Link's hold. He scrabbled to his feet and darted toward Navi, who by this point had detached his sword from the magnet and was idly swinging it by its handle, but Link grabbed onto his ankle, sending him toppling face first to the floor with a loud smack. He rolled onto his back and kicked at Link, trying to loosen the hero's hold. Link retaliated by chomping down on Dark Link's boot-clad ankle.

"Ow! Holy crap, he bit me!" Dark Link cried out in shock. Link growled as he shook his head from side to side, digging his teeth deeper into the leather.

"Agh! He's a lunatic! Oh goddesses, I think he's drawing blood! Get him off, get him off!" Dark Link flailed wildly, but couldn't detach the death grip of his lighter side's teeth on his ankle.

"Uh…" Both Navi and Zelda were at a bit of a loss. Seeing Link act like a rabid dog was definitely not something one saw everyday, and it was somewhat unsettling.

It was then that Vaati finally decided to teleport back into the room. "I have returned! It took a bit longer than I anticipated since they were having a two for one on manis and pedis, but I just couldn't pass up a deal like…that…" he trailed off when he caught sight of Link growling like some sort of animal as he gnawed on his dark side's ankle through his boot while Dark Link yowled and attempted to kick him off. His brow furrowed. "…what the _hell_ did I miss?"

"Eh, not much." Navi said, shrugging. "This is a fairly recent development."

The wind mage wasn't entirely sure of how he should react to this bizarre situation. "…is it now?"

Dark Link finally managed to escape Link's mandibles of death by yanking his foot out of his boot. His ankle was covered with bite marks that were alternatively bruised and bleeding. He wasted no time in scurrying a safe distance from his light side. It took Link a moment to realize that he was chewing on nothing but a boot. He spat out the mangled leather and sprang to his feet. "Come back here, you coward!"

"Not without my sword I won't! You're crazy!" the darker Link yelled, pointing his finger at Link accusingly as he continued to back away.

"Oh, did you want this sword?" Navi asked, holding it up tauntingly.

"Of course I do!" Dark Link snapped.

"Well, too bad!" Navi laughed as she began to spin around with the sword. Once she'd gathered enough momentum, she let go of the handle and watched it fly through one of the darkly colored stained glass windows decorating the room. Bright light poured into the room from between the jagged pieces of glass as the sword sailed out of sight.

"My window!" Vaati screeched.

"My sword!" Dark Link exclaimed in horror. He dashed to the shattered window and dove out after his weapon.

The first thing Dark Link noticed once his dazzled eyes had adjusted to the sunlight's glare was that he was surrounded by fluffy white clouds. His initial thought was that Vaati's Palace must be located on top of a very high mountain, but upon looking down to gauge what kind of fall he might expect, he saw instead that there was no mountain or any sort of solid terrain in sight, only clouds and endless blue sky. He paled. "…eep." As if that utterance were a trigger, his sense of time sped up to normal again and his body abruptly plummeted. "You haven't seen the last of me, I'll be baaaack!" he yelled as he disappeared into the sea of clouds.

There was a moment of dumbstruck silence, no one quite believing what had just occurred. Navi was the first to speak.

"Um…wow. I was just trying to get rid of his sword. I didn't think he'd actually go after it." she said, still somewhat shocked.

Vaati snapped his open mouth shut and folded his arms, tsking irritably. "What a fool. But then I suppose I shouldn't have put so much faith in his intelligence, what with him being the dark side of an idiot like Link."

"Hey!" the hero exclaimed indignantly. "I resemble that remark!"

"It's _resent_, not _resemble_." Zelda said dryly. "You're not doing a very good job of proving him wrong, you know."

The tips of Link's pointed ears turned red, and he looked down at the floor in embarrassment. "I-it's a common mistake." he mumbled, trying to salvage at least a scrap of his dignity.

"Yeah, for ten-year-olds." Navi snickered.

"Not helping, Navi." Link hissed.

The fairy grinned. "I try."

"At any rate, I suppose that now that Dark Link is gone, I'll have to kill you myself." Vaati let out a long-suffering sigh. "Why must it always come down to this? Just _once_ I'd like to see one of my minions take down the hero so I wouldn't have to bother. Oh well, I suppose it's as they say; if you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself." The wind mage teleported himself to Link's side of the barrier.

"Wait, I thought you said that you would take down the barrier if Dark Link was defeated!" Zelda protested.

Vaati shrugged. "I said that I would remove the barrier if _Link_ defeated Dark Link. Dark Link was defeated by his own stupidity. Thus, I am under no obligation whatsoever to eradicate the barrier."

Link threw up his hands incredulously. "Oh come on, you're really gonna try to worm your way out of your end of the deal using a stupid technicality?"

"It's not a technicality if it was a blatantly stated term." Vaati rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck before raising his hands with an evil grin. "Now prepare to be eliminated."

"Oh sh—" Link jumped out of the way of the blast of dark energy that the wind mage shot at him. The final showdown had finally begun.

* * *

**Welp, Dark Link has now been very literally dropped from the story. I know that a lot of you are probably disappointed, but Dark Link was never meant to be in the story for more than a few chapters (much like I had planned for Vaati, but look how that turned out…). If I had known how popular he was going to be I would have made plans to keep him in the story longer, but that would've derailed every single last potential plan I have for the story big time.**

**I apologize again for how late this chapter is; there were a number of things that contributed to the long wait time.  
****- Firstly, writer's block. This chapter was originally supposed to be longer, but the second half has been giving me more than a few headaches, which eventually made me decide to just split it in half and post what I was satisfied with so you guys would have **_**something**_** to read while I work out the kinks in the second half.  
****- Secondly, tumblr. That site sucks you in and just won't let go! I've been spending most of my time on the computer on that addictive site, and consequently I've been spending less time writing than I should.  
****- Thirdly, I…kinda started writing another fanfic. But no worries, this story is still first and foremost on my list of writing priorities! I was just struck by a bout of inspiration one day and started obsessively writing an outline for an idea I had for a Slayers fic, which eventually turned into the beginning of an actual story. But I swore an oath to myself that I wouldn't post any other fics until this one is finished, and I shall stick to it!**

**Now, onto the final piece of business; the final result of the poll. It seems that Link and Zelda will be ending up together by the end of the story. How this will be accomplished is still a bit of a mystery to me, but since it isn't required to be some epic romance that will blow everyone's minds and make you keel over from an overwhelming case of feels, I think I'll manage. Just remember what I said about the possibility of it feeling a bit rushed and maybe even being somewhat underdeveloped. After all, this is something of a shift in my original plans (vague as they were).**

**One thing that really surprised me was how many people said that they would've liked to see Dark Link and Zelda end up together. I get the feeling that it's only because Dark Link **_**didn't**_** have an interest in Zelda that people suddenly became intrigued by the notion. Go figure.**


End file.
